I just wanted to let you know of something that has liberated me recently. I decorated my office with hearts for Valentine's Day this year. Its embarrassing to think of telling someone who doesnt understand, but I think many of you will. It was such a tiny expression, but it has opened a new world for me. I cant tell you how fast my heart was pounding the day I chose to hang that first heart, knowing that the Kingdom Hall is so close to my office, knowing that every single jw has to pass my office to get to their meeting, knowing that it could mean becoming disfellowshipped or announced as "no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses". I was so scared, but I still did it.
My family has known for over ten years that I do not want to practice the jw faith, although I am not df'd or da'd. The last time we really spoke religion, I had so much anger for the wrong that I experienced growing up. Now, I am doing this with love. I explained that I will be celebrating holidays in the open from here on out.... not because I want to be rebellious, and not because I don't love God. I will be living the way I feel is right according to God. My view is different from theirs though, because I feel that God's range of judgement is so much broader and more generous. I dont believe everything is black and white anymore.
I've joked to some friends that I decided to start with a simple holiday to decorate for such as Valentine's Day, so that when I work my way up to the 'evil' Thanksgiving and Christmas, the jw's wont be as shocked. I was only 1/2 joking. I dont actually feel that Thanksgiving or Christmas is wrong anymore. I really am done trying to shock people. That is what my teenage years were for. I was such a tyrant in my teens. I cursed at my parents daily. I felt so misunderstood and depressed. For ten years after deciding not to be a jw, I struggled with my self. Everytime I had the opportunity to do something great with my life, I sabotaged myself in order to fail. Only recently have I understood WTF I was doing.
2 days before Valentines Day, my younger sibling informed me that I will be shunned starting that moment on. My precious little sibling, whom I've always protected and cared for, will no longer associate with me because my views are different. The day I was told this, I said "but I have so many friends who's views are SO different from my own! I dont share their views, but I love them and associate with them!" Of course, it fell on deaf ears.
I cried for about 3 days after that. I was heartbroken. "Is all this worth putting up silly Valentine's Day hearts? ...or clapping in a resturant when someone is surrounded by waiters who sing birthday lyrics?... or making people angry at me?"
YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT ITS WORTH IT. Because whatever negatives pop up into my mind as to why I should just keep my mouth shut and quit creating conflict, one hundred positives now pop up as to why I should continue with my journey (I would share with you what those are, but my hope is that you find your own positives). I am no longer ashamed or worried about offending people. Am I going to try and offend people? Absolutely not. However, the day I hung those hearts on my office windows was the day I realized that I am whatever I believe I am. Life is going to go on whether I take action or not. The day I hung up some rinky dinky silly hearts on my windows, my soul opened up & the old, spunky me started to emerge. I missed that girl, and I'm not going to lose her ever again.
So that's what's been going on with me. I am waiting to hear word from the elders. I know there has been talk about whether or not they will consider my baptism null and void (I know because I brought it up 3 months ago), and I do not plan on DA'ing unless given no other alternative. I have decided not to wait for their answer in order to live my life.
THE END...
until next time