Parenting: The Sad Misuse of Self-Esteem

by leavingwt 15 Replies latest social family

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  leavingwt

  From Psychology Today. . . I've quoted a portion, and the full article is available at the link.

  Parenting: The Sad Misuse of Self-Esteem

  Self-esteem is the most misunderstood and misused developmental factor of the past thirty years. Child-rearing experts in the early 1970s decided that all of the efforts of our society should be devoted to helping children build self-esteem. I couldn't agree more. Children with high self-esteem have been found to perform better in school and sports , have better relationships, and have lower rates of problem behavior.

  The Wrong Message About Self-Esteem

  Unfortunately, these same experts told parents that the best way to develop self-esteem was to ensure that children always felt good about themselves. Parents were told to love and praise and reinforce and reward and encourage their children no matter what they did. Unfortunately, this approach created children who were selfish, spoiled, and entitled.

  Parents were also led to believe that they had to be sure that their children never felt bad about themselves because it would hurt their self-esteem. So parents did everything they could to protect their children from anything that might create bad feelings. Parents didn't scold their children when they misbehaved. Parents didn't discipline their children when they didn't give their best effort in school. In sum, parents didn't hold their children accountable for their actions, particularly if they made mistakes or failed-"Gosh, that would just hurt my little one's self-esteem!"

  Schools and communities bought into this misguided attempt at building self-esteem by "protecting" children from feeling bad about themselves. For example, school grading systems were changed. I remember between sixth and seventh grade my middle school replaced F for failure with NI (Needs Improvement). God forbid I'd feel bad about myself for failing at something! Sports eliminated scoring, winners, and losers in the belief that losing would hurt children's self-esteem. My four-year-old niece came home one day from a soccer tournament with a ribbon that said "#1-Winner" on it. When I asked her what she did to deserve such a wonderful prize, she said that everyone got one! Though Woody Allen once said that 90 percent of success is just showing up, it's the last 10 percent-the part that requires hard work, discipline, patience, and perseverance-that true success is all about. Children are being led to believe that, like Woody Allen's view, they can become successful and feel good about themselves just for showing up. But showing up is just not enough in today's demanding society. By rewarding children just for showing up, they aren't learning what it really takes to become successful and showing up definitely won't build self-esteem.

  The supposed benefit of this mentality is that children's self-esteem is protected. If children aren't responsible for all of the bad things that happen to them, then they can't feel bad about themselves and their self-esteem won't be hurt. This belief has been bolstered by the culture of victimization in which we live-"It's not my fault, it's not my kid's fault. But someone has to be held responsible and we're going to sue them." In its poorly conceived attempt to protect children's self-esteem, our society caused the very thing that it took such pains to prevent-children with low self-esteem, no sense of responsibility, and the emotional and behavioral problems that go with it.

  Of course children need to feel loved and protected. This sense of security allows them to feel comfortable venturing out to explore their world. But we have gone way too far in protecting our children from life's harsh realities. In fact, with this preoccupation with protecting our children, those so-called parenting experts neglected to tell parents about the other, equally important contributor to mature and healthy self-esteem.

  . . .

  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/201002/parenting-the-sad-misuse-self-esteem
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  nugget

  This is a valid issue within some schools and families. Children are taught to believe that they can be anything they wish rather than teaching them to identify their strengths. You sometimes see teenagers on talent shows whose parents have told them how wonderful they are, finally facing someone who pulls no punches and tears them appart. Had the parents been honest in the beginning they could have prevented a lot of pain later.

  Children do need to be taught a sense of responsibility. When my daughter failed to hand her homework in the first time (she had completed it in time but forgotten to submit it) I told her it was unacceptable. I said I appreciated that people forget but she had been given reminders and should have remembered. The second time I got a letter from school saying she had failed again, I made her write a letter of apology to her teacher accepting late submissions caused extra work. She has not forgotten again.

  Children respond well to positive criticism you don't have to crush them to teach them to try a bit harder. Children are often aware of false praise too and know if you are insincere. They need to have self confidence and good self esteem but not dellusion.
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  leavingwt

  Nugget:

  Children respond well to positive criticism you don't have to crush them to teach them to try a bit harder. Children are often aware of false praise too and know if you are insincere. They need to have self confidence and good self esteem but not dellusion.

  I think you're right.

  I'm a relatively new parent, so this topic interests me. It would seem that teaching kids accountability will definitely help prepare them for some the harsh realities of life on their own.

  From the article:

  In its poorly conceived attempt to protect children's self-esteem, our society caused the very thing that it took such pains to prevent-children with low self-esteem, no sense of responsibility, and the emotional and behavioral problems that go with it.

  Some balance is needed, it seems.
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  Elsewhere

  This reminds me of an episode of King of the Hill. Bobby Hill starts working as a model for "Husky Kids", but Hank puts an end to it saying: "Bobby, I know you're probably pretty upset with me right now, but one day you'll understand how much love it takes to crush a little boy's dream."
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  shamus100

  And on the other side of the coin, witnesses rarely reason properly with their children. They just beat them, take them to meetings where they are made to feel like they can never do anything right, and get a full education in how to have a persecution complex.

  Spare the rod and spoil the child. True. That doesn't mean you have to beat them like some kind of imbosile! Making someone feel like shit doesn't teach them anything.
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  SixofNine

  Sometimes you just have to realize that people get paid to write by the word.

  All you have to remember is that for every slap to the back of the head, you also give at least one tousle to the top of his/her head. It sends the right message for success in life to the little tykes: don't be a screw up/I love you anyway ;)
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  flipper

  Shamus, good points, I totally agree.

  Like Leaving WT and Six of Nine said, balance is the key. Children need direction, but given direction while leaving their self esteem in tact. Commendation and character building can all be done in a balanced manner while not pampering a child. You make them responsible for their actions, but all the while being there for them when they fall
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  Robdar

  The article, while interesting, came about 30 years too late. I've had to deal with some of the little snots who think all they have to do is show up at work, at whatever time they feel like it. And they never can be trusted to do the job correctly. They all think they are brilliant and it always shocks them when you have to fire them.
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  chickpea

  i had some sad eyed "professional" telling me
  one of my middle son's "issues" was that he
  had "low self-esteem" and i looked at this guy
  and said: that is because he has done nothing
  that can be respected and without self-respect
  there is no reason for "self-esteem" ... and it
  was not MY job to acquire it for him.... my job
  was to point out the opportunities to earn respect
  and the rest was his job.....
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  mrsjones5

  That article in no way reflects how my parents raised thier children. Everyday we were called names, told we weren't good enough, and told our opinoins don't count. I decided long ago that I wouldn't raise my kids that way which doen't mean I'm a pushover (much) but I actively treat my children as though they are human instead of little playthings that I created.