Thanks Mad Sweeney for this thread...my wife and I are going through the same thing and we are wondering what to do as well. Thanks everyone for the advice.
Fading advice: a non-DAing "leave us alone" letter
by Mad Sweeney 20 Replies latest members private
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The Oracle
Something that has worked for others -
"I think its best if I keep a low profile right now. I'm not interested in saying anything that will weaken your faith. I'm sure you can apprecaite that." If pressed you could add something like - "it's best if you find out these kinds of things on your own, I'd rather not be the one to tell you".
This does a couple of things - it takes the rug out from under them if they were considering accusing you of being an Apostate.
It also lets them know, without you directly saying so, that there are some very good and compelling reasons why you are not attending. It may spark their curiosity to do some investigating on their own. This approach has led to one awakening that I know of - and has also led to .... no more visits from the JWs. Since that is the end goal (no more visits), you may want to give it a try. Just and idea...
The Oracle
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crapola
The last time one of the elders asked me if there was anything they could do for me I just said,"no, not anything I can think of. But I'll call you if I change my mind or think of something" That's been at least 3 years ago.
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iknowall558
Dont let them give you a shepherding visit. We (my hubby and I) did this...and it resulted in them using any 'confidential' concerns from my hubby against him. Before he knew it, he was faced with 3 elders in a JC and then 8 elders in an appeal committee.
Nothing you say will be kept confidential, even if it is within the setting of a shepherding call. They can sniff 'apostate' views a mile off. Better to heed the advice of others on the forum. Decide your own path out.
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Coffee House Girl
Mad Sweeney,
I did say one thing to the elders who came to visit which did resonate with them & I will share it with you:
They wanted to prove the truth to me,
I said, "No Thank You, I was raised by JW's all my life and & am familiar with it all."
Can we stop by in a month and talk to you again?
"No Thank You"
Can we put you on a magazine route so you can still get spiritual food?
"No Thank You"
Can we send a pioneer over to talk to you, she is a real go getter & she will tell you like it is?
"Brothers, Please listen to me..No I do not want that, at this time I am not bitter, I just want to be left alone...don't make me bitter, that will serve no purpose."
Ok, we have to go now.
They have not stopped by or called since
Stick to your guns, do not write a letter if you have family you still want to have some communication with!!!
CHG
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dozy
Good advice from all. I'd be very careful not to put anything in writing - even the most innocuous statement can be turned around and used against you and anything in writing is prime facie indisputable evidence. Now that the announcement is simply "xxxxx is no longer a JW" it can be used quite easily to medium or long term faders who haven't been to meetings for quite some time and the danger is that by sending a letter telling them not to keep calling you that you initiate such action.
Some elders will hound constantly but most elders are basically are too lazy , too busy with more pressing congregation problems or too nervous about opening a potential can of worms. When I was an elder I tended to give any faded ex-JWs who were thought to have "apostate" ideas a very wide berth and so did my colleagues.
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SnakesInTheTower
A fader friend of mine, who refuses to frequent the apostate boards such as this, sent a 20 page letter to the Society. He is supposed to let me read it. Did this a couple of years ago. They kept hounding him and his wife (she recently got sucked into going out in service "just to get comfortable" during the CO visit)....
One particular elder in the congo is a racist. Belonged to an club that was known, until recent years, to exclude blacks (and almost any non-white poor people). Would not let up on this friend of mine. Did it while I was an elder in that hall. Finally, my friend had enough. Told them that if he ever came down with a terminal illness...he was going to go to the KH and shoot the SOB and anyone in the way.
Needless to say..... the Society told the BOE to leave this guy alone... no DA, no DF.... he went to meetings occasionally for awhile... now I think he only goes to the Memorial. Went back to college...has a good job...will have a better job when he is done...guaranteed.
Not recommending his approach, just saying it is one that was used. lol
Snakes (Rich )
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SnakesInTheTower
In my own case, two elders from the congo that covers the territory I live in stopped by one Sunday morning a few months back......they knew me since I was 5. I havent attended their congo since 1991... or their building since 2002. They were nosing.
They obviously know I am engaged and that she and her son are living here with me.....hell, we answered the door in our robes and pajamas.
Through the local gossip line (congo grapevine), I put the word out that any action (DA/DF/announcement of any sort) against me would be met, not with legal action, but a local publicity campaign that would all but shut down the so-called preaching work.
I havent heard a thing from them since.
Snakes (Rich )
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besty
"We have made an informed decision not to attend for the time being. If that changes you will see us at the Kingdom Hall"
Rinse. Repeat. Change the subject to neutral. Rinse. Repeat. Change the subject to neutral. Rinse. Repeat. Change the subject to neutral.
Shouldn't take more than 3 cycles for them to get the message.
Be friendly and casual, not confrontational - be prepared for them to ask you 'what was the basis for your informed decision, have you been looking at apostate websites, do you still believe it is the truth, have you been talking to others about this, have you been to another church, do you still read the NWT and other WTS publications, do you have a personal problem you haven't told us about etc etc etc.
Just keep repeating the EXACT same answer to every question until they accept that you are in control of the conversation - this is not something they are trained to deal with.
Also you need a ready supply of your own question - subject changers. Low value questions - Did you see the game last night? Hasn't the weather been nice recently? Did you see that news item about the cat stuck in the tree? This will force them to answer and make it difficult for them to keep changing the subject back again. You are in control and they are on the back foot. And then at a time of your choosing - 'Well thanks for stopping by - take care now. Bye.'
Hope that helps - you have had a lot of great advice on this thread. Faders everywhere take note.
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mutinyinheaven
here goes:
elders don't know wtf to do with mental issues. you're under care from a mental hospital, let them know you medication is causing you major social anxiety and agoraphobia and you're working on it with your doctor.
then just don't return calls or answer the door.....and if they're insistant on coming over, call out through the door that you mentally can't open the door and you're on the phone with your psychiatrist.
good luck.
Tony DuShane
Confessions of a Teenage Jesus Jerk
A dark comedy of growing up a Jehovah's Witness.