Hello everyone. My name is Alex. I am a new “member” here, having just set up my login/password. I wanted to say hello. There are some members I have been reading off and on for a couple of years now and reading their stories has been quite therapeutic for me. I thought now that I have a login and password that I should introduce myself and tell a little of my story, for anyone who may be interested or anyone who might benefit. For some of us, it seems that telling our stories and reading about others’ experiences can be helpful as we come to terms with the impact the WTBTS has had on our lives.
Born in 1970, I am a third generation (ex)JW. I was raised in “The Truth.” Some of my earliest memories are of being in the Field Service (including being bitten by a dog at four years of age while out in field service!). I gave my first five minute talk at the age of 5. Yes indeed, I was born into a hard-core JW family.
As a young person, all I knew came from the Society. Looking back, I was a very naïve young man. I knew nothing beyond what the society taught. I was, in most ways, a “model” JW. I was reasonably bright, and could learn and recite scriptures in a way that seemed to impress everyone. I studied the “literature” with great zeal. I could explain WT Bible chronology and doctrine rather easily even as a relatively young teenager (which seemed to embarrass and tick off some MSs and elders). I knew the literature like the back of my hand. Even to this day, I can refer to specific WT articles and publications as well as the supporting scriptures used in key pieces from most of the 1980s. I’m still able to recite nearly verbatim almost all of the key scriptures used by the organization -- New World Translation, of course.
I was baptized by 16. I was a very active and enthusiastic publisher. During my mid to late teen years, I regularly put in over 100 hours a month in field service during summer vacation months (vacation pioneer!!! That was me!!!), and got in a surprising amount of hours during the school year, too. My hours weren’t padded – they were real. I did everything I could to be a part of anything going on, from Kingdom Hall construction projects to trips to Brooklyn Bethel and the Farm (from the West Coast). I lived, ate, drank and breathed the organization.
Perhaps because I was so enthusiastic about the organization, I didn’t have any friends my age at the KH. Nobody my age wanted anything to do with me, and probably because of that, I was never privy to any “wrongdoing” of any kind. Like I said, I was naïve. I had no idea of what was really going on behind the scenes. What I did know, however, was what was going on internally – a battle that I was having with myself.
While I had no doubts about the Organization, I had many doubts about myself and my own worthiness as a JW. I knew I was gay. No one else knew this – only me. I told no one and nobody suspected (that I know of). I was tormented by the Society’s literature (and JW comments) on homosexuality. I threw myself into field service, meetings, study, memorizing scriptures, and all things WTBS that I possibly could in order to escape these feelings, if only temporarily. Looking back, all of this zealous activity was a way to have a temporary escape from my internal struggles. Nights were the hardest, because I knew my true feelings. I prayed countless hours to Jehovah throughout my teen years to help, to make me “not gay.” By about 15/16 years of age, I was praying to Jehovah to just let me die and then resurrect me. I didn’t act on anything during these years. But I knew my orientation. There was no doubt about my orientation whatsoever. It was crystal clear. I was 100% gay – all the way. Not an easy situation for a young person growing up as a third generation JW in a zealous family.
I had yet another secret: I loved to learn. I spent countless hours in the library downtown reading. I secretly felt envious of the students in high school in the higher grades who finished high school and were off to universities around the state (and beyond). By 17, I found myself really wanting more. I wanted to study and learn about everything I could. I desperately wanted to go to college. At this time, I would read college and university catalogs in the library hours on end. I also started reading books on homosexuality (in the library, hidden away from sight, in great fear). During my senior year of high school, I secretly applied to a number of universities, including my #1 choice – a top research university that was on the other side of the country -- away from JW family and friends.
Looking back now, I think it must have taken some guts to apply to these universities. Or maybe it was desperation to get out. Or both. There had been a lot of pressure put on me to get my GED at 16 and pioneer. I had several family members who cleaned houses and one who had a janitorial business. I had helped out cleaning with them over the years. I was told that I excelled at cleaning. I was encouraged to do this and pioneer. “Brother, why would you want to stay in school another year when you could legally get out, get your GED and serve Jehovah?” My decision to stay in high school was seen as selfish, although I did put in pioneer hours every summer and my activity in the field service every Saturday and Sunday was exemplary.
But I persisted in high school, and early April (or was it the end of March?) of my senior year (I was already 18), a large packet came in the mail from my #1 choice – a highly prestigious, world-renowned university that everyone knows. My father gave it to me, not knowing what it was. “Why would YOU be getting a letter from XYZ University?” I knew immediately. It was the large, thick envelope; I had been accepted. I opened it. “Congratulations!” was the first word I read. Well, the *@%^ really hit the fan. All of a sudden, “friends” were calling me on the phone. “Don’t go. You’ll never come back. You are going to die at Armageddon.”
Within a few days, I was kicked out of the house -- during my senior year in high school, with nowhere to go. I stayed with a family that learned of my situation for a few months, until I got on a bus to head across country. By the time I paid for my bus fare and some food during the trip, I had $16.00 to my name to live on for two weeks until financial aid kicked in.
Going through the gates of the university – my new home – for the first time (and next 1,000 times) was very emotional for me. I couldn’t believe where I was. I knew how incredibly lucky I really was. I pinched myself every time I stepped through the gates. I went hungry at times. It was a huge financial hardship. I didn’t have a car. I took the bus. I sacrificed whatever I could, and whatever I had to. But I was home.
My first term, I was immersed in history, the study of society and religions, among my courses. I had my light bulb moment – my “AHA!!” moment: What the JWs teach isn’t true. Their Bible chronology is bunk. It’s not “The Truth” at all: It’s a lie.
During my undergraduate years, I eventually felt strongly, out of principle, that I should send a letter of disassociation. I did not want my name associated with that religion. I wrote the letter, and sent it off to the WT headquarters in Brooklyn. It was before the internet, so I could easily find that address, but wasn’t sure of the street addresses of my two prior congreations. In the letter, I wrote about why I wanted nothing to do with the JW religion any more. I included mention of the last two congregations I was affiliated with. No one ever contacted me from the society, to verify the letter was correct. No one from the congregations ever contacted me. I assumed the letter would be forwarded to the congregations and an announcement would be made. No one, including family, has ever said anything to me about the DA letter. Does anyone know if this is normal to not hear anything? Or is there usually a verification system in place?
I came to my new home, the university, with an ability to be easily socialized into an institutional life. I had determination as well as a great deal of discipline. This all served me very well. I was consistently on the dean’s list. I had my bachelor’s degree by 21, my master’s degree by 22, and my PhD by 25. For the past 15 years, I have been a university professor.
I love my life as a professor. I wouldn’t change being gay for anything. I have three children through adoption. I am thankful for my life. I honestly don’t know what would have happened had I stayed in the JW religion. The only thing that keeps coming to mind is suicide.
Predictably, I have almost no contact with JW family (which is practically everyone in my family). In the outside world, I still sometimes feel like an alien, an outsider looking in. I feel like a visitor in another culture. I have never smoked a cigarette (and never will). I don’t get drunk. I don’t curse. Don’t party. But my mind is free from control. I love life.
So that’s it. From third generation JW vacation pioneering to university professor. That’s my story.