In response to my article entitled, "Should I Divorce My Jehovah's Witness Mate?" a reader left a comment that I thought I would share, with my response. Her comment is written by B.A.AM , May 26, 2010:
The only comfort I can find in these stories is the fact that I no longer feel alone in this very confusing time.
I have been in a relationship for the last 15 years with a disfellowshipped JW. He was born and raised JW, and his entire family (including ex-wife and kids from a previous marriage) is heavily involved in the JW community. I am a practicing Catholic, and went into this relationship knowing that I could never get married in a Catholic church, and I was OK with it. Love conquers all, doesn’t it?
Being disfellowshipped, he was unable to maintain a relationship with his family. His family never accepted me nor the children born out of this relationship. I always looked at it as “their loss, not mine.”
He immerged himself with my family. He celebrated all holidays, participated in religious traditions and celebrations, and even attended mass with me and my family on occasion. He even started looking forward to celebrating his own birthday. We spent years living with Religion as the white elephant in the room. We agreed to disagree, and it worked. He maintained his beliefs, but did not attend JW meetings or bible study. He expressed that he was not comfortable with religious pictures or statues in the house, I respected his wishes.
Cut to 15 years later, 2 children (baptized Catholic), adultery (on his part), alcoholism (on his part), verbal abuse (on his part)...I decided enough was enough. I decided to end the relationship because it had become an unhealthy situation for me and my children, religious differences aside. Within 24 hours of my walking out the door, he decides he needs to pursue being reinstated as a JW. He claims that he had been living a lie and “walking with the devil” for the last 15 years, and that he needed to now live in “truth”. Hitting rock bottom (a.k.a finding himself alone) served as his wakeup call. He attended his first meeting within 48 hours of my leaving him.
He claims being reinstated will allow him to curb his temper and alcohol problem, and be a better man, husband, and father. He now wants to try to work things out with me and save our relationship, but under numerous conditions. First, we must get legally married. In 15 years, I never pushed the topic because I always wanted a catholic wedding. I was ok with not having a wedding at all. But now, in fear of being accused of fornication, we must sign on the dotted line. Second, he is forewarning me that he will no longer participate in any worldly celebrations. Third, he wants our children to have a relationship with his family - the same family who has ignored their existence their entire lives. I can compromise my beliefs by entering into a legal (marriage) contract with him. I can come to terms with the fact that he will be absent at any future celebrations. I CAN NOT deal with my children (ages 12 and 6) being thrown into a situation that will cause great confusion for them.
He went from being a passed-out drunk to a self righteous person, consistently reminding me that the world is coming to an end. In the last six weeks, he has become drunk twice, lost his temper too many times to count, and has been Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on a daily basis. I find it all so hypocritical. Nothing has changed in his behavior with the exception a little less drinking and afternoon disappearances in his Sunday’s best.
I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t think I have the faith in his promises that this for the better of our family. Once he achieves full reinstatement, is it going to get better? Will the good man be consistently present? I keep thinking to myself that I had made the decision to leave once already, why did I go backwards? I keep reading that interfaith relationships, especially between Catholics and JWs, are doomed from the start. Is it worth continuing the fight? He promises that he will respect my beliefs, and wishes to have my children raised catholic. Just last week, while I was on a business trip, he took my little one to a JW meeting and told him “NOT TO TELL MOM.” When I asked him about it, he very clearly stated that he will take our son wherever and whenever he chooses.
Do I want to be in a relationship with someone who considers me his "spiritual enemy"? I have to admit I do love him, and would give anything to have him kick the alcohol problem, and learn how to control his temper, but at what expense?
My response:
Dear friend,
A lot of people who have serious health or family issues, mental difficulties and/or drug or other abuse issues turn to the cults for answers. Why? Because the change in lifestyle actually WORKS for them! Cults work!
Being a "true believer" in something new, like an ideology, or changing one's personality, can suddenly morph a person overnight, because the new routine/way of thinking actually works well for them! It can be like a powerful stimulant or anti-depressant. Once they get a taste of freedom from their past cravings for harmful things and see themselves as part of a greater plan, they will do anything from going door-to-door to dying as a martyr to please this new god, just to treasure the peace of mind it gives them. Yet God isn't even the main issue... They must have that drug to survive! But all too often the peace and euphoria is short-lived with such groups.
I say short-lived, because once they find out that it is not REALLY the "truth" or they did not know the negative side effects of joining, the "drug" no longer seems to work. In fact, it can result in downright anger or possibly suicide. Often it just brings on a greater sense of guilt, as they think the drug isn't working well anymore because they aren't doing enough to please their new god. They then lose their joy and their motivation to continue. If they are then shunned by their new peers, they will often go back to alcohol, sex or another form of corruption in despair. That is why so many Witnesses who leave the organization seem lost and unhappy.
This, in turn, is noticed by the other cult members and scares them away from not only the "weak" person, but virtually assures they will never even for a moment entertain the thought of leaving the group themselves, for fear the same thing will happen to them. All cults use this form of fear inducement to keep their members from leaving. That is one reason they are a cult, and not just another church - it's the mind control that keeps them in line.
For others who didn't have big issues needing a "drug" to survive, the process of discovery and exiting the group may not be painful at all, though they might lose fellowship with friends and family. Everyone is a little different. Some people live their entire life in a high-control group and are perfectly happy.
In your case, your husband could not get the Watchtower religion to work for him anymore, so he turned to his family and possibly the Catholic Church. Yet his deeply-grained indoctrination against Catholicism, and the realization that it wasn't working for him either, drove him back to the only thing he knew that ever did work. But it's too late. The DRUG only works as long as you really 100% believe in it. Chances are, he is more likely to leave it again after he sees how he will never be treated the same by the Witnesses, even if reinstated. He has a "black mark" on him, as the other Witnesses see it. And a relapse is not pretty.
Sometimes conversion to another more healthy faith, as in the Christian churches, can completely relieve him of the fear and guilt. The message of "grace" as found in the Bible letters of Paul to the Romans and to the Galatians can turn his life around. I have some messages HERE that might help.
If he cannot bear reading the Bible anymore or even setting foot in a church, then only counseling and therapy, sometimes coupled with the aid of medical treatment, can set him back on course. Ask Lee Marsh (our "Dear Lee" column) what she would recommend. There is a great set of links and resources HERE as well.
It is not just a matter of proper Bible re-education, either. The Witnesses have implanted many fears and taboos in his mind that will NEVER LEAVE unless they are addressed, preferably by a professional. But ex-members of the JWs and other groups can help in the recovery just by sharing stories and fellowship.
Also, a disfellowshipped Witness may never talk to another ex-Witness, but they might talk to an ex-Scientologist or an ex-Moonie or whatever, because no matter how the DOCTRINES differ, the type of abuse and mind-control tactics used are the same. Once the light comes on in his head that all of these various high-control groups use the same recruitment tricks and produce the same damaging results, their fear and guilt can disappear almost overnight! Go attend an ICSA seminar and see for yourself - former members of all kinds of groups are happy as can be and are there to learn to help others.
I would recommend one or more of the following:
1. Read Steven Hassan's book Releasing the Bonds (or better yet get his workshop DVDs) so that YOU understand what is going on. Then leave it around the house or even ask him if he would read it. It doesn't even discuss Jehovah's Witnesses, and is not written by an ex-Witness (Steve is a former high-level Moonie), so he has no reason NOT to read it.
2. If he seems hung up on some Witness doctrine or what the Bible says, ask him to talk to at least one person by phone or email at http://www.watchtowerworld.org/gallery.htm and discuss what subject bothers him. They are more than happy to help, and have had years of helping other cult victims.
3. Make sure he is not suffering from some physical malady that drives him to compulsive behavior. MANY Witnesses would leave the organization if they had a thorough medical exam or a trained psychiatrist to notice problems like acute anxiety, bipolar, depression, etc. that drive him so hard to find a way out of his pain.
I have never met a Witness who has been reinstated that is happy in any sense of the word. I cannot offer you much hope if he takes that route, so it is good to make your mind up what you will do in case he pursues this course. It is just my opinion, but I say it will not result in a happier life for you, even if you do love him very much. So be prepared.
Above all, show him love. He is a victim, and he can be turned around. But don't ruin your life or that of your family thinking that some kind of "interfaith" will work in the end, it never does in situations like this. Pray for wisdom and a calmness that will help you make the right decisions.
yours,
Randall Watters