Should I Remain Married to a Disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witness?

by Dogpatch 22 Replies latest jw friends

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  jwfacts

  Randy, thanks for your comments on AA. I don't know anyone that has ever used AA, so did not realise it is unsuccessful. If people usually need to replace one addiction maybe being an alcoholic is not the worst option. Do you have any suggestions for what an alcoholic should do, or where they should turn for help?

  I have known a number of Alcoholic JW's that eventually get disfellowshipped and "left out to dry" without any support at all. The head of Bethel Australia from the 1980's was disfellowshipped after being caught drink driving and literally died in a gutter. Sadly he never got over the guilt of believing the Watchtower was the truth.
• 

  Dogpatch

  Thanks Steve!

  A woman should not have to turn her husband into a man. That sucks.

  JWFacts, I wish I knew that answer. I have drank alcohol for a significant portion of my life, but I don't really have a craving for it; if I had something better and easier to relax and have fun, it wouldn't be alcohol. Sometimes I drink for social reasons, but other times it is less harmful than pain killers (which my stomach won't allow) or other drugs. Alcohol also bothers my stomach; recently I didn't even touch an ounce of alcohol for well over a year, by choice and no coercion, and I didn't crave it at all after 24 hours. (Now if I spent more than 20 minutes in a nightclub, I'm sure I would, for social reasons, so I don't do that much anymore).

  I also have candida mixed with colitis, so drinking beer and wine can be very painful with the yeast issues. Tequila works better. :-))

  I can quit drinking for a month or a year, and after a day or so I no longer think about it. This is very unlike most people who might consider themselves alcoholics, who crave it like the devil. That was not a problem in my family as far back as I knew. Thank God, because a couple of my roommates seemed to have inherited it by habit or by genes or both.

  It must be a chemical issue, a tweak in their genes, or a combination of that and some very painful psychological issues. Most just seem to be very uncomfortable with who they are in life. That should be the target for a good friend or therapist, I would think. Don't aim at the drinking, aim for the feeling of zest for life - joy and giving to others. The older I get, I treasure every feel-good moment of energy and a strong mind I have... they don't come often with older bones.

  What DOES work is just too hard for most people, and impossible for others: a lot of exercise, a good job, a family who gets along, and the quest to keep what health you have as long as you can and enjoy it. I encourage people to be healthaholics! LOL

  My mother watched Jack LaLane on TV when I was a little boy, and look what good living did for him. My God, he was born in 1914 and still alive!

  All the health care in the world is no substitute for getting off your ass and doing positive things, but that takes work. People get lazy.

  Maybe others have some good suggestions for helping those who consider themselves alcoholics. I am no expert, for sure.

  Randy
• 

  Dogpatch

  This sums up a lot of what I've seen personallly:

  http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-not_good.html

  Randy
• 

  Scott77

  Let that woman call Lady Lee for a talk. You never know the power of peer influence in this respect. Thank you Paul for sharing about Bethel Head for Australia. By the way, how did he died? The poor guy certainly might have been depressed and resorted to alcohol for comfort. And Terry, I liked your piece. Sometimes, women wants to return to their abuser. That reminds me of Stockholm Syndrome. Ironically, as I type this thread post, Iam drinking black label whisky. Its all about self control. I do not get drunk, just a little of it. Mr. Randy, I like your ways of talk. Its based on personal experiences. Please, consider encouraging that woman to read this thread and if possible, to join JWN to get a big picture of Ex-JW world.
• 

  garyneal

  Amazing.

  I sometimes wonder if I am not seeing a little bit of my wife in all of this.
• 

  jamiebowers

  This woman will be making a BIG mistake if she stays with this man. Even if he stops drinking, his fits of anger and sneaking the kids to meetings and field service will be justified by the jw headship rule. Also, being that jws cover up for the pedophiles in their midst, her kids may be exposed to such vile creatures in the congregation and possibly his family.

  Even in the event of a separation, she can't keep the kids completely away from the jws, but at least the time would be limited. I hope she and her children get as far away from this guy and his cult as quickly as possible. Hopefully he will fail to man up on child support as he has in most other aspets of their relationship, and he'll have little to no visitation. As a matter of fact, I wonder if it could be stipulated in the visitation agreement that the kids not be taken to jw meetings and service since they've been raised Catholic from the very beginning.

  This all may sound harsh, but I speak from experience. The elders did absolutely nothing when my mother's jw husband abused my brother and me. And then later, they did absolutely nothing when my jw husband beat and tortured me. Since the organization treats jw women that way, how much worse will it be for this poor woman who is, GASP, an evil Catholic?

  Randy, while Lady Lee is an excellent source of advice for this woman, please also refer her here. She needs to hear about all of the suffering of the women and children is this sick cult. She needs to be warned.
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  Lady Lee

  Randy I think she needs to read the column 2 weeks from now on Emotional Blackmail - feel free to switch weeks 4 and 5 if you think it will help but week 5 needs to happen in all the same week
• 

  mindmelda

  Wow, this guy has some serious addictive personality traits! He needs AA and an addiction counselor, not JWs. They function like prison in keeping you straight, but as soon as you think you're out of prison (aka disfellowshipped) you run amuck because the jailer is gone.

  He's just replaced one addiction for another, in my humble, untrained and busybody opinion.

  I'm an expert on addiction by virtue of having lived with a family full of addicts, though, who made me think that because I was the only one who wanted to NOT have one that I was WEIRD.

  My brother is alcoholic/drug addict who in spite of years of JW BS about addiction was only able to get sober after going to AA and NA and getting professional counseling, which tells me that their ability to keep you on the straight and narrow isn't a good or healthy way, they just give you another addiction, being in a cult, and keep you too scared of being DF'd to indulge.

  My mother is a rage-aholic who is also agoraphobic and OCD and thinks she's just fine because Jehovah loves her because she preaches at people incessantly (by phone or letter, she doesn't leave the house hardly at all), even though she's like living with a powder keg in a room full of lit matches. Everything that isn't perfect sets her off. My dad spends all his time ignoring her by playing golf 4 times a week with his worldly buddies, and he's always stayed away from her by virtue of work and sports, which makes him sort of a work and play aholic.

  Well, I had one addiction, JWs, but I got better. *G* Probably food too, I've struggled with compulsive eating a time or two. I usually manage to realize I'm doing it before I get too far, though...I can gain 20 lbs in no time binge eating when I get depressed, then I knock it off.

  But, man, I'd run as far away from this guy as I could. It wasn't being disfellowshipped that made him a craptastic husband, and he's still a mess. Getting reinstated is just trading one problem for another.
• 

  Scott77

  	Getting reinstated is just trading one problem for another.
  	mindmelda

  Excellent point
• 

  GLTirebiter

  What I see here reminds me of an article titled The Emotional Terrorist. He is using promises "to curb his temper and alcohol problem, and be a better man, husband, and father...to try to work things out with me and save our relationship" to manipulate B.A.AM into staying when she's already decided she needs to leave. He is the adulter, the drunk, the verbal abuser. Yet he feels entitled to dictate "numerous conditions" for continuing the relationship? It seems to me that things are already getting worse. B.A.AM has already considerably compromised her beliefs for him, now he demands she do so even more (when he's the one who should be groveling: what nerve!).

  There is nothing to gain by negotiating with such people, there is no middle ground: whatever you give they take, offering little in return but empty promises and demands for further concessions.

  I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t think I have the faith in his promises that this for the better of our family

  That doubt is the voice of reason saying what the emotions refuse to hear!

  B.A.AM, if you're reading here: see a lawyer about getting child support and custody orders. You need to look out for the welfare of the children, even if there is no marriage to dissolve.