What now....

broops100

October 2009

This is the date when somebody, somewhere, somehow, switched the light on and I realised I'd been part of a Cult.

21 years of my life wasted...

Since then I have gone through what I can only compare to losing someone I loved in death. I have been upset, hurt, angry, confused & numb... My mate has been a crutch but has never understood JW's so thinks I should just get over it....

Leaving JWdom felt great because now I had found my inner voice, and I could now speak my mind and do what I wanted. Sadly right now this doesnt feel the case....

My friend that I found sanctuary in during my coming out days is now really getting on my nerves. I never realised how outspoken & controlling she was. We always do what she wants to do. I can never say what I think because If I do so in the manner she does to me, she openly gets upperty and states that she is offended by comments and thinks Im outspoken!?

She makes no secret about telling me I was weak minded and I just needed JWs as a crutch. She criticises everything I do to how Im my nails look, the colour ive dyed my hair, choice of clothes, she is such an authority on every subject its getting up my nose... I try to reject what she says or defend & then shes on her high horse telling me so, or I can tell she isnt amused. Most of the time she is funny which is what keeps us as mates, but I now feel frustrated and without a voice again...

Ive never argued my corner in my life and have always been a nodding dog doing what a good little JW should do, and a people pleaser so as to keep the peace... but this is no longer what I want... Im not a puppy who is to be guided and lead around on a leash & this is how it feels.

I thought I had found my voice but now I feel even more trapped. No other mates to catch up with & a part-time job that I hate .

I can jack in the job & I could ditch this friend, but then Im left with 4 square walls, billy no mates, and an empty shell of a life....

Whats my way forward? Do I shut myself up & be that good old nodding dog for the sake of a friend? or how can I keep this friend but nicely stop her from controlling me?

Normal people in a normal world know the answers to this but I cant how Im meant to sort this :)

I know to any of you out there reading this, you might think what a load of crap, but its how I feel & whats on my mind & its getting me down.....

Any advice would be appreciated xx

hubert

I had friends like that.

I found new friends.

(You don't need her).

Hubert

Lozhasleft

Welcome to the forum Broops...I hope it helps you as much as it has me....as for your dilemma well...either you do some straight talking to your 'friend' so that you can sort out the relationship, which would be difficult maybe but at least honest....or you set out to find new friends now you're out of the Org...but it does sound like she cares even if she's become a bit overbearing....

Loz x

NiceDream

It's not your fault that you were in a cult. When you're in a high control environment, you don't realize that other people are also controlling, that's what you're used to. But your friend doesn't sound loving, she sounds toxic, and toxic friends drain you.

I had to get rid of my toxic friends, and am just starting to make new ones. It's tough being alone sometimes, but I feel so free now that I'm not in toxic relationships. Real friends shouldn't put you down, that shows they are insecure, and you don't need people like that in your life. I hope you're able to find another job you like too, and maybe you'll find some new friends at work?

Now you have the freedom to do whatever you like! Apply for a new job, make new friends, be who you want to be. In time, you can create a new "you", maybe the "you" that you always wanted to be but were suppressed by the cult.

I agree with Lozhasleft, if you still like your friend, you can stand up for yourself and share your feelings with her to see if that improves things.

nelly136

this is going to sound a bit cliche but 'you need to get out more'

join a swimming club, line dancing, wine and wisdom ....insert your own choice of something you could or would remotely be interested in.

when we spend too much time with one person it can get overwhelming and frankly a bit gutty, and then can start turning sour.

it also limits us to the amount of time spare to actually try out new things and meet new people, cos youre too busy being monopolised.

Hecklerboy

Like others said, this person is no friend. She has low self-esteem and needs to belittle you to make herself feel better.

Ditch her and find some new friends. People that want to listen to what you have to say and build you up.

I found some of my closest friends and the most amazing group of people when I started studying karate. I knew when I went to my first belt test that these were the type of people that I wanted to surround myself with. Everyone was very encouraging and were alway trying to help me do better.

Don't waste your like on a parasite. This person just uses you to make herself feel better.

frigginconfused

Dont pay attention to none of that crap. If you want to be free and stop being slave to someone all the time you must WAKE UP! There is no set answer for your problem. Not a single one of us here can help you. You must have the presence of mind to see what is really happening around you. Only then will you be able to get your answer.

But as a reward you get to keep the presence of mind and use it on any problem you wish.

Aint God awesome!

I say this because I love you as a brother, and wish to see you enabled, not having to rely on something outside yourself.

If you have any questions how to do this I am here for you. But everything has to be said openly on the board so it can be challenged by the others. This keeps you from becoming my or the forums slave.

You are as special as the angels. Dont let this world fool you. We are of this earth but it is ours to command!

broops100

Thankyou guys for all your advice....

Ok I Think Im gonna throw myself into doing something different & lift my spirits.... Horse riding, kick boxing (now that could help me kick those JW butts) & that way maybe I can keep the fat off my butt & find some new mates.

I will find a way to be straight with my friend & have her in small doses on my (silent) terms, avoiding her totally would be difficult as our children are schooled together...

Thankyou all again for your help x

Quandry

I think it is a case of too much of a good thing. At the meetings, you were with so many different people all the time. Now, you are concentrating your efforts on one person. By all means, get out and meet new people. Perhaps you can join others in a dance class, hobby, etc. Or you could go back to school, and get a different path in the job area. Also, you said:

Since then I have gone through what I can only compare to losing someone I loved in death. I have been upset, hurt, angry, confused & numb...

Please know that this is what most of us here went through as well. It gets better with time. Please allow yourself this time. It can't be hurried.

exwhyzee

People are going to dissapoint you every time...they can't help it. If you go through life cutting people out who annoy you, you will be one lonely soul. Unless you think they are harmful, take people as they are...enjoy the good in them, be patient when they are small and petty. I like what others have said about branching out. I no longer have any old friends or family that want me unless I believe the same things as they do about religion. I am making plans to get involved in things I've always wanted to do or figure out how to get around the kind of people I admire. For me that would be people who know how to sail a boat, are involved in protecting the environment, like animals, enjoy outings in nature, play music or sing, are involved in art in someway, are into fitness and want to help their community. Unlike people I work with or have been affiliated with through religion, I want to have friends that I will be free to me myself with and I can be honest with. I dont think it's possible to be totally yourself around people when there could be conceqences that effect your livelihood.

What now....

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