Married to the mob... er to a JW, want to talk about it?

Libelle

The Mr is a JW-started back into studying 3 years ago, got baptized 2 years ago. I've never been one, nor have an interested (was raised Catholic, now am a Pagan - UU).

I'm just starting this thread to see how you all deal with it.

Thanks

Libelle

ziddina

Hi, Libelle....

The 'reply' box on this thread is acting up - sometimes the thread malfunctions and makes it difficult to type or post a reply...

Give the people who're married to [active, still "drinking the koolaide"...] JWs time to reply... Some of the people you might want to talk with would be Oompa, GaryNeal, maybe Life Is Too Short, uhmmm....

Anyone else able to help me out, here??? Who else could she talk to???

Zid

brotherdan

I'm married to an active JW and haven't OFFICIALLY left yet. I want to, but I'm trying to figure out a way to get out and keep my family intact. My wife has given me the ultimatum (?sp) of being a "good" Jehovah's Witness or getting a divorce. So I'm still going to all the meetings. I refuse to go out in service and spread the lies anymore.

I think the key is to take it slow and plant seeds of truth about what the organization really is. Has he ever researched the history of the organization outside of what the Watchtower has to say about it? That is VERY eye opening. They cover up ALOT about their past.

Anyway, I think it is absolutely necessary to keep your relationship strong in all other areas and not let the religion be the main thing you discuss and talk about. If you can ever get him to read Crises of Conscience, that would change everything. I think 80% of JWs that would read that would end up leaving. However, the tricky part is getting them to actually take an honest look at it.

garyneal

My wife married me knowing who I was. I did not change in regards to what I practice (celebrating holidays, etc.), she did. A part of me is torn between trying to be accomodating to her beliefs while still trying to be who I am openly. When in doubt, I ask myself this question, "If she weren't a witness, would you feel guilty for speaking of birthdays, holidays, church, etc.?" When I answer NO then I can't help but to wonder why I feel like I need to refrain in front of her and her family? Simply put, I don't need to. Being my true self openly around them is something I am slowly permitting myself to do and I still find myself refraining from saying certain things at times.

But really, why should I not be allowed to be me? Because it might 'stumble' some of them? I'm sorry, but the way I see it is if their conscious is soooo weak because they have allowed themselves to be led by group of men who fit the biblical definition of a false prophet better than anyone I've ever encountered before then that is on them. I'm not bound by their man made rules. If they want to bind themselves to those rules, that is on them.

How do I cope? Back when I was beginning to discover the truth about the 'truth' I prayed and asked what to do about the situation I am in. The answer that was revealed to me? Just love her, love her for who she is. Show her how much you love her no matter what.

It's been a bumpy ride since then, a lot of my earlier posts show the conflict we had. I made all the classic mistakes when dealing with someone who is in a cult. It drove her in further to the point of being baptized. I've back off and begin evaluating myself and my own beliefs. Thanks largely to the feedback here. In a way, I think I failed to fully follow the original answer that was given to me. Love her for who she is.

So far, we've only had one year of her 'progressing rapidly in the truth TM ' and becoming baptized. We dealt with the first Thanksgiving and Christmas as a divided couple. That was HARD and I hope it gets somewhat easier the next time. Her assistant threw her a surprise birthday party and she actually enjoyed it. She also enjoyed me thinking of her on Valentine's Day. I threw my daughter her fourth birthday party with no support (but a lot of critiquing) from her. However, she was at the party and she enjoyed it too. I've been to the KH with her every now and then but she has never set foot in the church I currently attend. However, my daughter prefers church to the KH so that helps but it makes me feel bad now knowing she attends a lot of meetings alone.

I guess for me, I cope by discovering who I am and not being ashamed to express my true self around her or other J-dubs. It is not my responsibility to police who I am around them because of their beliefs. With my wife, I assert myself when I think things are not being fair while trying to be as fair as possible to her. It does not always work as sometimes our emotions get in the way. To my wife's credit, she did go with me to a church that was showing children's movies a couple of times. She even agreed to come to a baby shower that is being thrown for her by a member of the church I attend.

If anything, I just hope that she at least wakes up and considers the possibility that much of what she believes are just traditions of the men in Brooklyn and discovers true Christian freedom for herself. In the meantime, I will plant little seeds here and there.

garyneal

My wife has given me the ultimatum (?sp) of being a "good" Jehovah's Witness or getting a divorce.

BrotherDan, your wife is not being a good Christian or even Jehovah's Witness (provided they truly follow their teachings) in my opinion. Does she not know about 1 Corinthians 7:12-13?

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. (emphasis mine)

What about that headship card? I mean, how would your wife feel if you pressured her to conform more to your new beliefs?

I don't know, I guess my wife is actually a bit more reasonable on these matters than what most witnesses depicted here appear to be.

Too Opinionated

I hope Carla sees this thread. I'm sure she can relate and will have something useful to say. I love her anti-witnessing techniques.

Libelle

Thanks, Zid, for the message boost! I appreciate it.

BrotherDan, sorry to hear your wife issued such an ultimatum. I"m surprised tho, since divorce is only allowed in JW eyes when there's been adultery. I wish I could plant seeds, but really he's so enamored at this time (he's been baptized only 2 years) that nothing will shake him. My sister did give him CoC to read once, and he went on and on about apostate literature. He's really not at a point where he's willing to look at it critically, he's too "happy" with it.

Things we have in common... um...well alot of that vanished when he started studying again. Social and political ideals, common interests. Well the WTS's literature made him decide he didn't hold to those ideas or enjoy such things anymore. Or that he shouldn't. Really the thing we have in common the most right now - is um, between the sheets, and I worry about that going too.

Garyneal - loving her/him for who s/he is... Good in concept, but hard in practice (which you did illustrate). I loved him for who he was, now I just don't really know who he is, in alot of ways. I mean, sometimes I feel like I love him out of habit, more than anything else.

I guess for me, I cope by discovering who I am and not being ashamed to express my true self around her or other J-dubs. It is not my responsibility to police who I am around them because of their beliefs.

That's a smart thing. I've usually kept mum around them, but really they don't do that around me, why should I with them? Well, I guess in part because I don't want them to start "witnessing" to me, but still I should not keep myself under wraps, should I?

I don't know, in lots of ways our getting married was due to JW (we were just committed to each other, prior to that, but you can't knock on doors and be "living in sin"), so in some ways I do resent it. IN our best days, I think we can get through this, in our worst (like after a DC or CA when he's all holier than thou and refreshed in his "spiritualness"), I wonder if I shouldn't just find some person to sleep with and so end it decisively.

garyneal

Well, I guess in part because I don't want them to start "witnessing" to me, but still I should not keep myself under wraps, should I?

If they start witnessing to you, you can in turn anti-witness to them. Are you well versed in their history?

littlebird

Im still married to a jw man, but Im separating from him. Because I was in it and left a few years ago , he's constantly badgering me about the end coming, thinking it will make me want back in. NO WAY!

That's a smart thing. I've usually kept mum around them, but really they don't do that around me, why should I with them? Well, I guess in part because I don't want them to start "witnessing" to me, but still I should not keep myself under wraps, should I?

Thats one of my biggest stressors. Im christian now and I just keep it to myself, but do you think he would do the same, no. When I have made attempts to bring up my point of view it generally bends him out of shape like a pretzel. You might be able to get somewhere with him, because he wont have the same expectations of you, that mine does of me. As Gary mentioned, get familiar with their history, if you can show that there's no reason to believe that Jesus chose them as his people in 1918, then the whole belief crashes down. They do everything believing that the wt is gods chosen group, destroy that and you'll get somewhere.

Welcome, btw!

brotherdan

Garyneal, my wife is a funny girl...

She believes in the WT with all her heart, but she picks and chooses what she wants to follow. Those are the most dangerous types of JWs IMO. She doesn't care that divorce is only justified in the Bible due to adultry. She has told me that she doesn't care if she gets df'd for it...she will leave me if I stop being a witness and then get reinstated herself.

You can begin to see my plight, right? I believe nothing that these people say anymore. But I'm seriously stuck, you know? I could handle losing a wife, but to lose my kids...that's the problem.

Married to the mob... er to a JW, want to talk about it?

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