Welcome, anonjw! (The ladies here may not receive you so warmly after that crack, though.)
Share something funny
by KW13 34 Replies latest jw friends
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Heaven
Thanks for the laughs gang!
"Signs Your Dog Hates You":
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AnonJW
Like I said, sorry ladies. A few non sexist ones to make up:
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
Rock-it!
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster
Police have found a local ice cream man dead in the back of his van. He was covered in nuts, sauce and sprinkle. Police think that he topped himself! -
Heaven
^ LOL!
Ok, for some reason, this cracks me up (it could be the fact that there appears to be a real bear in the background watching all this):
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ambersun
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1) Wrap it in bacon.
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bigmac
@ ambersun
simply brilliant & sooo true.
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TweetieBird
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUuEH7WcHGo
Sorry, I don't know how to place the actual video.
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Heaven
I hope I don't offend anyone but being raised on the farm, this sort of thing is common place. It's the cat in the foreground that makes me howl (uh, no pun intended... ):
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Heaven
For Tweetie Bird:
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TweetieBird
Thanks, Heaven. I'm a techno-tard plus I'm on a Mac so it doesn't work for me as well.
Here's another one that' pretty funny.
