Me and my story... Issues, issues, issues

by bottleofwater 24 Replies latest jw experiences

  • bottleofwater
    bottleofwater

    My parents learned the truth when I was about 2 years old or so and they got baptized when I was 4.

    They came from Ukraine from the former Soviet Union and I was born months after they came to Brooklyn.

    They started studying with a sister who was American and joined the first Russian group in Brooklyn.

    My brother was born when I was 5. We moved to Staten Island when I was 8 or 9.

    Ever since I was 14 or 15, I realized an attraction to guys.

    Of course, I kept on putting it off as a phase or an "everyone feels this way" excuse.

    And yes, I had lots of crushes on guys, but I didn't tell others because it was hard to face the facts.

    Around 18 years of age, we were having our family study and my Dad said that if a person even has gay thoughts then they can't be a pioneer, etc.

    And he was an elder and a Coordinator of the Body of Elders.

    I got depressed and cried for days and eventually this got me to feel the need to tell someone about it.

    I told my 14 year old brother (the other younger one is 7) about it because he keeps his mouth shut all the time.

    He didn't react at all really. Eventually I felt like I had to tell my pioneer mom about it (by the way, I've been pioneering since 18 years of age due to knowing that that would be the only reason why my Dad would pay for my college education).

    She reacted with mixed feelings of denial, also attacking me and making it look like I'm disgusting, immoral, this and that...

    Eventually I told someone my age about this in my congregation, as he was also a neighbor of ours. He was a bit more feminine acting, though I wasn't sure if he was gay or not (though the sisters had their rumors) (I'm more of the masc type it seems). So I came out to him because a) I had made fun of him acting that way before in a more defensive move to make myself look good and to dispel any possible doubts on the behalf of others and b) because I was thinking that maybe he would open up to me about his own sexuality.

    Well, my plan failed. He was into girls (supposedly) and told me to tell my Dad and the elders. I told him that it was my business.

    Then he kept on continually calling me even after he moved out to Florida telling me to call the elders. Ugghh... what a fucking jerk...

    Eventually my mouth slipped while talking to my Dad and he found out that I got into a disagreement with Tim because I blocked him on AIM and Facebook.

    He kept on pressuring me as to why I did so and it came to the point that he was going to ask my former friend himself. So I told him.

    He didn't react too badly (though occasional emotional outbursts, especially from my Mom at times) until he found my posts of Ask MetaFilter.

    Some of these posts online showed some pro-LGBT views that I have, my views of the WTBTS, and the idea that I would like to move out someday so that way they wouldn't constrict me as much.

    My Dad since he is the Coordinator of the BOE, talked to me about this stuff, including a personal lecture at home to me about masturbation, and gave this material to two other elders in the congregation.

    They talked to me in our house and just pushed their propaganda up my ass, so to speak. They didn't really demean me.

    They wanted to talk to me again on Friday and we mostly had a conversation advising me not to move out to my uncle's house (because it wasn't a spiritual environment) which was a plan that I was hoping would materialize. I talked to my uncle the day he came to pick me up (by the way he lives in Brooklyn and I live in Staten Island) and he said that since he wants to be able to bring girls over, that I can only stay for a week.

    Now the elders found out about this through my Dad and that I'm only staying for a week and they called me here at my uncle's house because they want to talk to me on Thursday here in Brooklyn at the Kingdom Hall here.

    Anyone questions to clarify anything in my situation?

  • bottleofwater
    bottleofwater

    So this is my second year of college. I have college the full day Monday and Wednesday and supposedly pioneer the rest of the days.

    Of course I'm going to drop my pioneering to get a job so to speak.

  • bottleofwater
    bottleofwater

    Oh yeah and after my Dad found out, I was depressed for months.

  • brotherdan
    brotherdan

    JWs really don't understand what it means to be gay. I'm not gay, but I've really tried to understand in my very meager small way to try and understand what you must be going through.

    I truely believe that it is something you are born with. How can we judge a person because of the way that they were born? A white guy can't help that he was born white and a black guy can't help that he was born black. A straight person can't help that they were born straight and a gay person can't help that they were born gay.

    This is just another piece of evidence that this cult is destructive. These JWs don't really know what they are saying. They link masturbation and homosexuality?!? It makes no sense. They refuse to acknowledge that some people may be born gay. They refuse ANY sort of tolerance that goes against what they've been trained to believe.

    My hearts with you, bottleofwater. You're among friends here. Stopping pioneering may be the best thing ever. Whatever you decide to do, PLEASE don't live with guilt and feel that you are wrong because of who you are!

  • Lozhasleft
    Lozhasleft

    Is there not any rooming facility at the college Bottle? I guess not cos you'd have thought of it right? You are going to need a home and possibly funding for college arent you? Are there conditions to your staying at home and at college? It seems to me you could play the 'I am depressed and want some time out...and a break from pioneering' ....while you finish your course? and stay at home while you do that and get onto your feet with a home and possibly a job or further education??? I'm sensing you're feeling pretty low with all this pressure on you....tell the elders you arent up to a meeting at the moment ....they cant force you to have one and without concrete proof that you've committed an act of homosexuality I dont think there's much they can do...perhaps others here would know more ....

    Loz x

  • bottleofwater
    bottleofwater

    Oh yeah and I have done something with a guy before... parents and elders don't know...

  • Nickolas
    Nickolas

    You've been quite active on this board, bottleofwater. I perceive that you are either enjoying the unfettered conversation or are maybe its getting you wound up tight as a clockspring. Not all the advice you are getting here is necessarily helpful, unless lonliness and self destruction are options. Maybe you need to take a long walk, get away from this stuff for awhile, clear your head a bit. Find someone to talk to, someone who will listen to you and allow you to bounce feelings off of him, or her, without overlaying their own baggage, someone you know and trust. Nobody in here. Everybody in here has an agenda, you and me included. That's why we are here. Your first priority as I see it is to figure out a way to buy some time to get your shit together, to figure out what you're going to do with yourself. It's looking pretty clear that the WTBTS is not one of your options, for reasons that are patently obvious from your various posts. Strike out on your own, but do it in stages and don't lose your family in the process. Whatever you think of them, regardless of the mindless pap they have shovelled into your brain over the years, they are more important to you, and you to them, than you can possibly know. Someone in one of the earlier threads you started gave you very good advice and that is to fade. So fade.

    I'd wish you luck, but I don't believe in it. Whatever happens going forward will be a consequence of what you decide to do. Take your time.

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    You should be upset at the cult that helps people to act the way they do. Actually, many religions outside of the cult would impose their views in this situation. As you already know, there are no easy answers. Pretend to "see the light" and cooperate until you get on your own, or go on your own to figure these things out your own way now. That is about it.

    Strength to you. Watch your back.

  • bottleofwater
    bottleofwater

    I also have job offers coming up from two different places, one of them is a computer support company that pays in the $42,000-$45,000 a year.

    I meet the skill requirements and have some connections which are helping me get the job.

    So hopefully I can slowly wiggle out. For now, while I'm at my uncle's house, I have a bit of time to think about all this.

  • cantleave
    cantleave

    Welcome bottleofwater. Great to have you here. You know what is right for you - live your life and enjoy.

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