The Merry Widows/Widowers of Dubdum

by Room 215 20 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Cath

  My father remarried only nine months after my poor mother passed away.
  I was so pissed at him for wiping her out so quickly. No proper grieving was done as far as I know.
  I remember going to visit mum in hospital just before she went and I heard my dad say "I know she (mum) will be resurrected so why do I feel so sad?" Duuur!
  I had to remind him of how many years they had spent together and how close (I think) they were. How could a person spend almost 40 years with a partner and not be sad to lose them?
  I also remember that my mum went to her death petrified that she hadn't done enough for Jehovah. Poor woman!
  Naturally, still being shunned, I did not go to his second wedding.
  Nor his first come to think of it! LOL
  Seriously I wouldn't have gone even if asked. To his second one that is. LMAO
  BTW the only time I get any phone calls from my family is when my brother calls to tell me a family member has passed away, thank you very much. Can anyone relate to that?

  Cath
• 

  rekless

  I speak from experience... now listen!
  My wife which I loved and was married too for 35 years and had five kids with and never had a fight passed away very suddenly in 2000.

  She went into the hospital one day and passed away 4 days later.
  I gave her all the blood fractions that were allowed and did everything possible to keep her alive...I had elders fighting me and ignoring me at the hospital, I found them sneaking in the nursing station trying to find my wife's medical file to see if she was given bloood, had a bro. worked in the maitenance dept. at the hospital follow her down to the arera they were reclycleing her blood...She died 2:35 Am on july 27, 2000. All her family was at the motel some of my children were at the motel,I had her oldest brother with me that displayed no emontion at her death(he is not a JW)My youngest son and the daughter that was not a JW stayed with me for the four days. We were crying and heart broken. We left the hospital and all went our separate ways leaving me to have to make all the arrangements for the transporting of her to the funeral home etc,etc,

  After the memoral, her family got in their cars said goodbye, the witnesses had nothing to do with me after the memorial, my sons who lived with me went into a deep depression and all I could do was cry, all day long every time I fixed meals which was one of the times during the day that my wife and I had shared duties because we loved to be together and do things together.

  I was at a lost my oldest daughter who is married to an elder wrote me a letter and told me she hated me and never wanted to see me again(my wife had been loning them money practically every month to help them make it through the month...I found outI was thirty K in the hole not to mention her union insurance refused to pay the medical bills blah blah,blah anyway I had to file bankruptcy over a 100,000.00) lets get back to the story...
  I am crying can't get myself together, thhe boys kept saying, Dad you got to get a life, we can't stand you, you are killing us.my Non jw daughter told me the same thing matter of the fact she introduced me to a lady she met on the internet who had just lost her husband a month earlier, we were persuaided to talk to each other and after three months she visted me. We fell in love and are together now. We plan to be married when she turns 62 in one year, I am 57 now.

  So the there are more to why one does what one does and not one of you should stand in judgement of any who have lost their mates.

  I lost my wife, a daughter, an entire in law family that does not speak to me to this day...,my mother-in-law told me just before she died she did not wantanything to do with me anymore(now I had lived by her and helped her for thirty years, fixing her home remodeling it and generally being around for her when her own sons never did a damn thing for her.)because you killed my daughter...the elders told her that because I had given her blood she got hepititis and died...she died of a rare blood infection that was caused by an invading virus that only 1 out of 300,000 ever contact. THe doctor that diagnosed it said he had only seen one other case and it was twenty years ago.

  Anyway to make a long story short I think of my wife every day I can now talk about her with a wonderful woman as I can listen to the stories of her husband...

  I once stood as all you did, If my wife died I would never ever get married again...situation and circumstances chang our out look on everything.

  I am no longer a witness,I have lost everything in my past; therefore I have nothing left but the future. Death only ends life...nobody carews , the bills keep coming in the, the friends start backing off, you no longer fit in with the old crowd, .... so there are two options,since your mate is dead, everything you have fought for is gone why not just give up or get to living again...I choose to live again to hell with all of you who stand in judgement of us who have lost our loves of our lives. We gave all we could to them when they were alive... and you can't give them anything but respect in their death. I am doing this. So laugh if you must and make jokes, but I hope you never have to go through what I did when my bride of my youth died.
• 

  Englishman

  Reckless,

  I remember when you lost your wife, I can't even imagine what it was that you had to go through. I am so sorry.

  I think that this thread was leading up towards the fact that because many JW's are suppressing grief, they tend to marry again very quickly, often with a few months. It must be almost 2 years since you posted on H20 about your loss, I remember it very well. I really do wish you all the happiness in the world.

  Englishman.

  ..From the scepter'd Isle kept free by 2 fins and 4 Merlins.
• 

  nelly136

  ((((((rek)))))))
  there was no slight intended, like eman says
  the jw way of getting back to business is what most
  of us coped when we were jws, we were taught to suppress
  so many feelings, and sometimes when we discuss things like
  this it sounds very cold and clinical but most of us realise
  theres always another side to the coin, and life isnt black and
  white we're only covering one small aspect of it or one perspective.
  I followed your story on h20 and I was totally blown away
  by what you went through and if youve found someone to share
  your life with I'm chuffed for you.
  I went to my grandads funeral a whiles back, I read some of the
  cards and they were all telling my gran to look forward to the
  ressurection and not to waste time grieving (words to that effect),
  she would have been married about 60 years,A week or two later and its like my grandad never existed, to me it was like going to a strangers funeral because I had hardly seen him in the last 17 years or so, good ol borg had put pay to any contact as visiting him compromised my nan and opened old wounds for her.
  When I talk about stuff like this its not that I'm ridiculing anyone
  I'm just trying to get my head round stuff that once made perfect sense the way I was brought up to think and no longer does now I've been out so long.
  luv deb x
• 

  GoldDustWoman

  Just a little non-JW related comment.

  Not sure of the study, but I read about this a few years ago. In GENERAL, men that have had long HAPPY marriages and then find themselves widowed, either through long illnesses or sudden death, tend to remarry quickly (within a year). Why is this? Because they desire THAT happiness again. So, if a guy, after years of marriage, gets married again, after what some people deem an inappropiate length of mourning time, it is NOT unusual. Anyway, WHAT length of time is APPROPIATE?

  Women on the other hand, who have had long happy marriages,especially if they have financial independence, usually DO NOT remarry again. I personally know of two older women that had long happy marriages. Both lost their husbands after long illnesses. Both have no financial worries, and they both have remained unattached for over 10 years.

  Andee
• 

  jukief

  I think JW men tend to remarry a lot more quickly than JW women. There are probably several reasons for this. For one thing, the widowed, single, or divorced women far outnumber the available men, and in my experience, as soon as *any* man is available (for whatever reason), he has a line of women a mile long after him. I also think that men have a more difficult time being alone than women. Women are a lot more independent, but JW men, especially, rarely do anything around the house; they don't know how to cook or take care of themselves. I think they often want a new wife just for that reason.

  My parents have been married for 51 years and have a very close, happy marriage. But I know that if my mom dies first, my dad will probably remarry pretty quickly. Not because he doesn't dearly love my mom, but because he is one of those men who wouldn't know how to deal with cooking and housework, and because he suffers from serious depression; I don't think he could handle the lonliness. If this happens, I know I'll have trouble accepting another woman in his life, but I hope I can do so with grace. On the other hand, if my dad dies first, I doubt my mother would ever remarry. My grandmother was a widow for 40-some years; she never remarried, even though she was only in her 40s when her husband died. And she had her chances. :-)
• 

  BluesBrother

  Rekless,

  Thank you for putting things back into perspective. I was going to make a light hearted comment, but I won't now.
  Of course your right that no one should judge others in this personal matter. May I join the others in wishing you and future Mrs Rekles every future happiness.

  As an observation, perhaps the family oriented way of life within the org makes it more likely that a witness would want a new partner . Each to there own!
• 

  Tinkerbell4125

  rekless, I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. I'm happy that you've found happiness again. =:o)

  I've learned in life that no one really knows what a person is going through, unless they've gone through the same kind of loss. I've endured some diffucult losses myself.

  I don't judge you one bit! After your wife's death, she would have wanted you to be happy. You be happy! =:o)
• 

  petespal2002

  Personally I believe in the resurrection as I can't find anything better. I rest a strong hope in it as my husband is 42 years my senior and I hope so much that if anything happened to him we'd be able to be together again. Problem is he was a widower, so what happens to wife no.1? Hope she isn't resurected with a knife in her hand.
• 

  LDH

  Personally I believe in the resurrection as I can't find anything better.

  Try reality.

  Lisa