most of you have probably seen these but they still make me chuckle. i love the differences between men and women, imagine how boring relationships would be if we all thought alike :)
~WOMEN'S ENGLISH~
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.
"We need to talk" = I need to bitch.
"Sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're not going to really like me for!
"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.
"Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]
~MEN'S ENGLISH~
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you?
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you?
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you?
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys.
he said/she said
-10-
He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
to put in it. She said ...You wear briefs, don't you?
-09-
She said ...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said ... It's not my fault ... I ran out of money.
-8-
He said ... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you in the worst way. She said ...Well, you succeeded.
-07-
He said ... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said ...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
-06-
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
written just below it: "I do not."
-05-
He said ... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said ..."That's a good idea ... you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
-04-
Priest ... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.' She said ...'Who's gonna look?'
-03-
He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you? She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
-02-
He said ... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said ...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.
-01-
He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said ...I would, but you're never there.