Suicide - My column on Freeminds

Lady Lee

Yesterday I spoke of my disfellow-shipping from the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I had been depressed for many years due to a lifetime of abuse. As long as I could remember I thought of suicide as “the ace up my sleeve”; something to do when I thought I could not take it anymore.

After 15 years of marriage to a Witness who was emotionally and sexually abusive the thoughts of suicide were on my mind almost constantly. I felt trapped. This was a marriage arranged by my mother. I barely knew him when she arranged it. Two weeks after the marriage I knew it was a huge mistake but I was stuck.

Lady Lee

I spent a lot of time yesterday wondering at how the last couple of days have resulted in things falling into place for me. It is so odd that while I was writing about the end of my marriage and my suicidal thoughts and the disfellowshipping he was thinking about it too and picked up the phone to apologize.

I don't know what to call this. But over the last few weeks I have had 3 similar connections with people. Makes me really wonder about that psychic thread that I posted on.

Hadit

Excellent article Lady Lee! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Suicide is about stopping the pain rather than wanting to die. If people are able to see the difference then as you said they begin to see choices of how to go about stopping the pain and then are able to seek help. I'm so glad you found that one person who understood you and helped. It only takes one person to make a difference - I'm glad you found her! I remember reading in the book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts the author stated that sometimes the difference in a person's life when it comes to addiction and/or suicide is one act of kindness either from a friend or a stranger. That made such an impression on me because we just never know how our actions or words can effect the entire life of another human being. Kindness is a powerful force!

I'm glad you got some closure with your ex. I'm sure when you were writing your article your thoughts were putting out a lot of energy - energy travels and apparently your ex was receptive to it - on the same channel as you. It took him a long time to be on the same wavelength but it goes to show we just never know what a person goes through to at least get to the point of understanding their part in someone's pain. Life has a way of coming full circle!

Take care and keep up the good work with your articles!

Hadit

life is to short

Lady Lee that was a very powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing it, I totally understand when you said that-

("They one day I realized if I committed suicide I would be dead. I didn't want to be dead. I wanted the pain to stop. Somehow and I still can't explain it committing suicide and being dead were two different things for me.")

I have felt that way so much of my life, I love life but hate the pain of life when I think of suicide I do not think of being dead but of not having pain anymore. I have felt so trapped having to watch what I say and do and think because of offending someone or causing the elders to come down on me. Even as an elders wife or maybe because of it and my being more out spoken I was always in trouble over stupid things. I could go on and on with my stories of pain and hurt by one in the hall and my husband trying to be the good elder and not standing up for me. Being in the "truth" traps a person and makes you feel like you have no out but death at least it did that to me, I am slowly learning that I can get out of that trap.

The way you put into words is I know is how so many of us feel. I am sure what you wrote will help many to choose life when we finally wake up and realize that we do not need to stay in the trap of the "truth" or what ever trap is that we feel we are in. We can get out and choose to live.

Thank you.

LITS

GrandmaJones

Another powerful column and story from you, Lady Lee. I always appreciate the clarity of emotion that you are able to convey. Very expressive, and able to touch others. Thank you for being you.

Lady Lee

HadIt

for me it was that 1 person. He believed in me when no one else did. He supported me when everyone else abandoned me. I will love him forever. In fact he was my first real love - true soulmates for a time when we both needed someone desperately.

Today's piece on Closure" over on Freeminds talks about my ex's phone call and the piece of closure it has brought me

LITS

That senteence had such a profound impact on me. That sudden realization that they weren't the same helped me move forward to pick up some of my dreams from my past - before the JWs and the WTS

Oh gawd we had to be so careful as elder's wives to always be a good example. As if being a JW didn't turn you into enough of a zombie being an elder's wife just turned all the screws up to the max. And yes I understand - leaving the WTS was spiritual death - one without a future. At least suicide mihgt present the opportunity for a second chance. What a warped way to think but when you are so depressed and so put upon it seems like your chances are so few zero.

GrandmaJones

In writing my bio I discovered that I do have an ability to put emotion in the words. People say it connects with them; they can feel the emotion as they read. I am glad if it does this because I think that is where the healing happens - the connections; the finding words for things inside you could never quite explain yourself but then there those words are and you see it, you feel it and it means something.

I really do think I can write the next chapters in the bio now. That is what this piece of closure has done for me. The next part of the story is ready to be told. - The WT/JW years

Hadit

I'm glad you guys found each other when you needed it the most! The article on closure was great - thank you! It gives hope to others in similar situations - you made it and so can they. I'm hoping that women in those situations will see that they have choices and do not have to put up with any type of abuse.

You took something terrible and turned it into something that is helping many others. I know that there a many women in the organization who are suffering greatly - I'm hoping they will find their way to your articles!

Hadit

Lady Lee

Hope.

I must be an optimistic realist. The suicide ace-up-my-sleeve was to be used only when hope was gone. Sometimes it was nothing more than a faint glimmer.

Sometimes the hope reaaly is the only thing we have to hold on to. I lived dealing with the day to day reality of surviving while also hoping that things would change. It's a combination that kept me alive

lisavegas420

Thank you for sharing. I remember a time when I just wanted the pain to end. I didn't kill myself because I didn't want anyone to have my children. I thought I was being selfish.

Later I realized if I had truly been selfish, I wouldn't have even considered my children.

lisa

Lady Lee

Very true Lisa Glad you found another wqay out

I think that was another piece of why I didn't do it. Not that I didn't want someone else tohave them but I didn't want them to think of their mother that way - to have that burden of pain

Suicide - My column on Freeminds

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