When 1914's come and gone
When pyramids are proven wrong
When nineteen hundred twenty-five
Means millions living e'er will die
When no one said to stay alive
Until year 1975
All of those things we said are lies--
But we never false prophesied
'This generation' means something
Related to 1914
Ten years old living then won't die
So Jesus Christ did prophesy
No wait, it's really babies born
When Jesus' kingship had its morn
Our previous teaching was a lie--
But we never false prophesied
'This generation' means wicked
Who'll see the signs and soon are dead
We are wise not to speculate--
And worse still is to set a date!
This generation's anointed
Will overlap with those now dead
We neatly covered our behinds--
But we never false prophesied
[District overseer comes up to platform, speaks in solemn tone]
We thank you, Being Whose Name We Mispronounce, for...giving us the chance to come together and malign your name, with our...false teachings and constant changes, not to mention all the people whose bodies are now organ donors who...needed organs themselves but were told it was cannibalism, you remember that, back in the day? It was only for 13 years; surely many people were not affected, and your name was not in any way reproached. ... It is a joy and a privilege to meet together freely, and to continue to teach things about you that are, at best, partially true, and at worst, glorify a few individuals to be equal to Christ.
We appreciate the fine distorted words coming from...your "faithful and discreet slave" and...we appreciate the fine program of loaded language, fear, guilt, and shame that they have prepared to shovel upon us for the next...eight hours or so. We can think of no finer way to use our time, in an attempt to worship you, which, while good-intentioned, goes horribly astray and ends up hurting far, far more than it helps.
We ask that you give us temperate, good weather for those who will...sit in parking garages for at least an hour after the program is over, and we ask that you grant extra strength to the preservatives within the lunch food, that resides in the various coolers that fit safely under the seats here. For those who, by your wisdom have organic foods, we pray for a special amount of your spirit to keep the bacteria away, so that our friends can enjoy their hoagies free from concern. We pray also for those who have...already opened their sodas, that you will...keep the fizz in them, so that they will not be flat sodas come lunchtime.
We also pray for those who will no doubt fall asleep during the program, because they worked all day, then drove half the night to get here, then woke up early this morning and perhaps did not have time for their coffee. We pray that you will keep them from snoring to disrupt the program, or from having violent or immoral dreams where they talk in their sleep, which might offend some of the friends here and detract from this fine program of worship.
We pray also that the elders will quickly and unilaterally agree to send large amounts of money to the "slave" class without consulting their local congregations. This is a...fine arrangement which can only have come from you. If our convention does end up with a deficit, may some of the wealthier brothers pay out of their noses so taht we at least break even, and if we do have a surplus, may you move us to send it the Society immediately, so that your work, and the Governing Body's all-expenses-paid vacations or...travelling visits as they are properly called, may go smoothly and without the need to stay in the rat-infested, cat-hair-filled homes of the, of our humble friends in the local congregations. May you grant them first-class transportation and the finest, five-star hotels. May they have lobster every night, or steak, or a variation of lobster, steak, caviar, and fillet mignon, as you see fit for them. Or for those with dietary restrictions, may you at least grant them some low fat Ben & Jerry's yogurt, perhaps...Chocolate Brownie flavor.
Most of all, may you help us to believe every word they say. If they tell us that the Earth, which you have created, is the center of the universe, may we believe it, far above the words of worldly scientists. If they tell us...that we should drink a beverage they have given us, let us drink it, without asking if it contains any narcotics or poisons that might distort our judgment or even cost us our lives. Whether it be Kool-Aid, water, wine, or whatever other beverage they provide us here, let us taste it at least, and see that you are good, Being Whose Name We Mispronounce.
And, as we turn our attention to this day's program, let us take notes that we will never read again, and most surely forget at the service meeting where they will be reviewed. Except for those who are retired and...have all day to remember things like that. Or perhaps the unemployed, our dear sisters who are housewives, mothers, uh, and some of our sisters here are...truly exceptional, aren't they?
It does make us wonder, O Being, whether or not you yourself might not wish to...come down and...take down a few phone numbers for a future date or late-night, unchaperoned rendezvous--as after all, are you not the Creator? Do not all our extremely hot sisters who may, at least some of them, still be virgins, belong to you? Please, if taking them for yourself, for your...pleasure, might spare our pitiful lives at Armageddon, would not that be a suitable substitute for slaughtering 6.8 billion people? Perhaps you are...a bit backed up in some way and...in need of appropriate marital due. Perhaps your heavenly woman, your organizational arrangement as a whole, is withholding until you sweep the floor or wash the dishes or clean the bathrooms. Perhaps it is time, O Father, for a little action on the side.
If it is not, forgive me, Father, for mentioning that, and we praise you for your being a one-woman God, unlike the false gods of the nations. So Father, please forgive us, but always, always file away all our sins in your Great Filing Cabinet in the heavens, so that our sins might be read off to us, perhaps during the thousand years yet to come. We ask all these things in the name of our Lord, the co-King with the faithful slave, Jesus Christ, Amen.
[AMEN]
Please be seated. Quickly, old woman--you're distracting the audience! In fact, just get out. Listen to the program on 98.7 FM, and get out. Welcome, friends, to our 2010 "This Generation Will Never Die" District Convention! Are we not glad to be here? Really. Are we...NOT GLAD, AT ALL, to be here? Are we not exhausted beyond belief? Are we not completely vulnerable to mind control techniques that will be, unknown to us, used today? Well, are we, friends?
[Applause]
--sd-7