I was disfellowshipped when i was 21 (raised as a witness). My mother who is now 80 and a diehard witness always hoped that i would return. She is concerned that she will soon pass away and the arrangements. She wants to make sure that the service be conducted in the kingdom hall. I said to her that i was not sure if I could emotionally deal with having it there and being shunned while i was grieving. She then told me one of the elders (he was the youngest at my committee meeting) said that i should have never been disfellowshipped in the first place. He told her to have me contact him because he felt bad about going along with a hard line elder that also employed the other elder in the meeting. He told her that he could make my reinstatement a quick and painless process. (hardline elder later removed and disfelowshipped for income tax evasion) I told my mom "What after 30 something years? No thanks I don't believe it anymore and find the whole thing an insult to my intelligence." My mom was shocked to say the least. I guess she thought i believed but just did not want to live the JW lifestyle. She broke down and cried. She then whimpered "I guess we should not discuss this subject anymore." Please remember that although my mom was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child, I still love her. I feel like such a heal. It is just that I know that I could not cope with her death in such an emotionally charged and cold atmosphere as a kingdom hall. I hate this religion and the choices it has made me make !!!!!
I feel bad about what i just did to my aged mom
by recovering 18 Replies latest jw experiences
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looloo
my heart goes out to you , i have been so fortunate with my mother (a non jw ) she is wonderfull. hope you and your mum work things out x
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Broken Promises
Maybe you could write her a letter, saying how much you love her, despite growing up in the religion, the abuse, etc?
But you also have the right to express how you feel about the religion. It may not have come out the way you intended, but I agree, reinstatement after 30 years due to a "mistake" is an insult.
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Black Sheep
She chose to raise you in that type of religion. You didn't ask her to do that. You are not guilty of anything.
Her wanting to not talk about the subject any more is just trying to weasel her way out of facing up to her poor choices.
My parents try to do the same. I've had to apologise to my family for my part in introducing them to this cult and I don't see why my parents shouldn't do likewise. You don't spend several decades banging on doors without at least one person pointing out some shonky aspect of your cult that you choose to ignor.
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Mattieu
Mate, at least you are being honest. I had to have my first meaningful and honest talk with my Mum since my fade, not something enjoyable, but honest.
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recovering
Thank you all for your kind words. Intellectually I am ok, emotionally not so much.
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OnTheWayOut
Really sorry to read this. Of course she is trying to help but doesn't "get it." I would promise 2 arrangements for her death. The one at the hall and another one. The other one can simply be a gathering in a private home or restaurant to remember her. It could be all your friends to comfort you. I wouldn't offer much details. Tell her you just will have a second arrangement so you can skip the Kingdom Hall.
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Scarred for life
I'm sorrry to read this, too. I know it's hard. I like OTWO's idea. Is there a JW that she is close to that can arrange her "JW" funeral and you can have a gathering somewhere else for your friends and others that are not JWs.
Do not feel guilty for being honest with your mother. You have to do what is right for you.
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cherrypye
Recovering, I'm so sorry to hear this. Can you please consider how you might feel if you specifically asked your mother not to have a witness-type funeral for you and she did anyway? It would be very disrespectful. A person deserves to have their final wishes honored, in spite of how uncomfortable it might be for you. Please assure your mother that you'll respect that.
In addition, I suggest a follow-up conversation apologizing for causing your mom pain, and calmly explaining your position. Do this so you don't have to live with the possibly unbearable guilt of having hurt your mother, even if it was necessary. I'm so sorry.
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Lozhasleft
This is very sad and difficult. I hope you can manage to make plans that both you and your mom are happy about. A compromise? As far as the elder is concerned...never mind reinstatement he shouldnt have gone along with something that was wrong in the first place and having done so should have it revoked and take the responsibility for it ...but then they dont do that in the Org do they? No. That would be just and fair. Here's hoping you feel better about it all soon.
Loz x