I just can't do anymore right now....

by GrandmaJones 27 Replies latest jw friends

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  GrandmaJones

  I don't know how some of you do it. I am constantly reading, studying, looking up more stuff on the internet, perusing old threads, keeping up with "new light" on JWN. I am in the middle of "In Search of Christian Freedom" (having just finished Steve's cultmind control book) and I am finding it so argumentive doctrinally that my head is spinning. I found myself this evening with my laptop next to my desktop (all the better to reference back and forth, m'dear) the WT library cd-rom open to "The Modern History of Jehovah's Witnesses" in twenty four parts, with a plethera of "Rainbow" books open for easy reference WHILE I WAS LISTENING TO AN OLD FRED FRANZ DISCOURSE AT DODGERS STADIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!

  What the Heck? Is that crazy? What is WRONG with me? Why am I compelled to continue to do this research? Do I require further proof of WT deceit? Am I just a sucker for punishment?

  I read Brotherdan's earlier post with dismay. When you think about the past several weeks while he was going through so much with his wife, and realize how incessant his postings became, it's easy for me to see how he just wandered off the deep end in his stress. He's practically starting a new religion. I am sure his wife would be just as unhappy over this new blog as she would have been had she seen his postings here. I think it is something that could happen to a lot of us. I know I am going crazy from the studying. Perhaps I need to feel that I have turned over every leaf to prove this to myself, so that I never have to think I made this decision lightly.

  This is a very tough thing for me. It's like staring at a corpse.....
• 

  tec

  Perhaps I need to feel that I have turned over every leaf to prove this to myself, so that I never have to think I made this decision lightly.

  I think this is 100% normal. I went through it too (to an extent, at least regarding doctrines and other denominations), and I was never even baptized. I think a good thing is that you're recognizing it in yourself - so you're much less likely to go over the deep end, as you put it.

  I drove myself crazy too, though - searching for THE truth once again. Then one day I just said to myself, ENOUGH. Then I prayed for God to guide me where he wanted me to be, and I just took a breather and started living, with that prayer and faith in that prayer, in my mind.

  It was such an immediate relief, and I have never regretted it. My faith has continued to grow, and so has the peace I now have within myself. Don't be so hard on yourself.

  Love Tammy
• 

  yourmomma

  I did the same thing, and I still read/research stuff every day. It gets better, nothing is wrong with you.
• 

  Satanus

  During/after my exit, i was like that, always had 4 or 5 books on the go. Eventually, i found satisfaction, and practically stopped reading books. Just this site, now.

  S
• 

  flipper

  GRANDMA JONES- You are doing all you can to prove things to yourself. That is normal. We were taught in the Jehovah's Witnesses that having access to ANY information outside of what the WT society wrote was wrong. That is was WRONG to research any non WT publications because it would allegedly " lead us astray " to fall into hands of demons - allegedly . That was all a mind control ploy by the WT society to keep us CONTROLLED and sedated mentally . None of that EVER happens to us when we aquire accurate information. It is a fear tactic the WT society uses to keep us under control. Very manipulative organization. The leadrs- that is.

  Actually by your having access to information that is necessary you are able to to get the TOTAL or FULL picture of mind control & what the WT society is really about - and THAT'S a good thing. You will gain a more honest picture of reality . After reading both of Steve Hassan's books - I stopped being hard on myself. The picture became crystal clear to me. That I had just been duped by a mind control cult intent on controlling people's lives from birth. I learned to forgive myself and realized it could have happened to anybody.

  In time Grandma , once you inform yourself more - you will feel more confidence about your position & thinking on matters. Be easy on yourself, pace yourself if you need to. The REAL information isn't going to run away from you ! LOL ! It's in writing, doesn't have legs ! It will still be there for you to read when you wake up each morning. I promise- the picture becomes clearer as time goes on. Be kind to yourself- give yourself time. Hang in there. Peace, love, & hugs to you sis
• 

  pirata

  Hi GrandmaJones,

  This is part of the learning process that a lot of us go through.

  When I started 'waking up', I was reading and researching every chance I got. Mainly I think it was because I wanted to get straight in my mind what the facts are regarding my religion and what I believed. After all, one should not risk everlasting life and their family on hearsay.

  I'm still in the discovery process, but a year in I've managed to find some kind of peace with myself. I'm still an active, albeit hypocritical JW, have acknowledged the situation I'm in, have had time to process what I'm learning, and will not make any rash decisions until I know for sure what I want to do. I guess I'm in this for the long haul.

  Being here has helped me to see a wide variety of perspectives beyond the narrow one I had before. Leolaia and PSacramento in particular have built an interest in history and development of the Bible that I never thought I had before..

  When things seem too overwhelming, take a break to process things. When you're ready for more, dive back in!
• 

  clarity

  GJ, ... exactly what I find myself doing.

  Constantly taking notes & printing out each new thought. Digging up buried secrets & lies as intensely as a Terrier unearthing prey in a rabbit hole!

  Trying to learn & relearn all this new stuff is difficult ... cognitive disonance makes it so hard to retain new explanations & truths. It is exhausting. I need to replace all false doctrine with what is true. It is exhausting!
• 

  clarity

  Flipper ... thank you for this:

  " The REAL information isn't going to run away from you ! LOL ! It's in writing, doesn't have legs ! It will still be there for you to read when you wake up each morning." .

  This is the feeling I have but couldn't find those words!! Thank you thank you.

  clarity
• 

  GrandmaJones

  Okay, okay....I'll go to bed!
• 

  3dogs1husband

  Grandma Jones

  My husband many years ago (and then recently) told me how the example of the coal (the Jw Person) that gets removed from the fire (the cong) it cools off, but when it is place back into the fire it starts to glow again. He always said how that he found this so fitting and didnt understand why they used this example.....he was like uh ya coal gets "CONSUMED" by the fire - burned up - nothing left. He said a little distance from the blaze was a good thing to keep your whole person saine was required, lest you get consumed. (gee he really is smart and a real keeper)

  And when I was/am doing just as you posted, he reminds me to not let it consume me, cool off - back away. Just enough to keep me on the edge of sainity...teheee and you are not alone I have 4 internet screens up, and i have 6 hours till I need to be at work. And my smart hubby, yup kissed me good night and went to bed 2 hours ago. It is a gift to turn It off...One I havent got quite as good as him....but I working on it....haha