First time poster. *squeek*
I guess this makes me the scary “A” word. And yet, I don’t feel like Satan’s tool. I don’t feel like anyone’s tool. I don’t feel jealous. Aren’t apostates jealous? I don’t want to drag anyone away from the hall. But isn’t that the sole goal of an apostate, to drag the sheep away? I don’t live with a fearful expectation of judgment. Am I not supposed to dread the OTHER A word, (Armegeddon) because now I will be destroyed?
I’m here by accident. I don’t even know when I made the change. One day, I realized I enjoyed the company of highly intelligent, funny, Atheists (another scary “A” word) more than that of spiritually minded people. I set my DVR to record Real Time with Bill Maher. I rolled with laughter when I listened to Tim Minchin. But that didn’t make me an Atheist! I was simply enjoying their unique point-of-view. Hmmm
One day I realized that I don’t really care about other people’s sexual preferences. I really don’t. I don’t think I ever did. I think it is cool that I’m close enough to the fossil “Lucy” to visit her anytime I want to. (In the Natural History Museum). Australopithecus. Earliest bi-pedal human ancestor found to date.
Twenty years. Twenty years I lived with purpose, and with a global family, and with love, and acceptance. But it was also 20 years of guilt and gossip and constantly second guessing myself. It is only now that I have peace. I don’t have to spend so much time looking inward and picking at my flaws and trying to always make myself better. Don’t get me wrong, this is a good thing to do in the proper dose. But it’s terrible to be in a state of constant inventory, vigilantly searching for the weeds to yank out of my heart.
I lived in terror that this day would come. The day I committed the unforgiveable sin. I often worried that I had already done so.
This is almost a secret, no one else knows. Well, that’s not true. Two people know, and both are atheists, so my secret is safe with them.
Hearts will break. They will pull together to console each other. I really wish they wouldn’t hurt. I love most of them, I really do. I’m glad they have prayer and association to turn to. Since I can’t take that fabricated spiritual need away from them, I’m glad they have manufactured remedies. I am also glad I no longer need those things for myself. Soon, I will be a footnote to their car group gossip.
I’m not bitter or angry. I’m surprisingly calm. It is not all regrets; I take some gifts too. I definitely come away with positives. I learned to be more social. I learned to let others into my world. I learned how to make friends. I learned how to express myself well. I am here today because of the last twenty years. My FADE is complete. Two years since the last meeting. Two years since the last prayer. Three and a half years since the last convention. Three years since the last day in the ministry. I don’t even own the new song book. I may vote for Obama in 2012.
Hello everyone. It’s time to start a New Chapter.
Okay, I'm gonna hit submit now---I really am. pray for me!