On being reasonable

by Lion Cask 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  ldrnomo

  Why should you always be the one that has to compromise for their benefit ? If it was the other way around would they allow or even ask you to say a blessing over a dinner ? Do they accomandate any of your personal beliefs ?

  This is such a good point troubled mind.

  I often noticed how my family and neighbors tried to do things to please us when we were in the cult. They were always careful not to say "merry christmas" or "happy birthday" they would ask me to say a prayer at dinners and they were always careful not to say things they thought might offend us. Yet those in the cult never go out of their way to do the same.
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  moshe

  LC- one of the personal lessons a counselor will give each spouse is a sentence completion list. It's a valuable tool to find out , if you really want to climb Mt Kilamajaro after all.
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  Curtains

  lion cask, my advice is to try and get busy with new interests and hobbies. Wear a mask when you are with her friends - she probably does the same when she is with yours. Try and neogtiate some sort of compromise with the turn your life has taken since you have retired.

  People choose to live in all sorts of extreme ways that may seem dangerous to loved ones. Up to this point you have both allowed each other the freedom to enjoy a certain amount of independence and risk taking. Can you not continue to do so even in retirement? I wonder if this may not enrich your life together in the long run?
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  Lozhasleft

  I think you're being completely reasonable and have been for a very long time. You can express your opinions about the WTBS without exposing your sources if necessary, so that the apostate idea doesnt get brought into things.

  This arrogance of taking over in other peoples' homes and forcing their beliefs on others is deplorable. JWs arent encouraged to show respect for others' views at all, and it comes across as inflexible superiority a lot of the time.

  Loz x
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  GrandmaJones

  Doesn't matter whether we think you are reasonable or not. What does your wife think?
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  Lion Cask

  I understand what you are saying, Curtains. I ask myself sometimes if this thing is so important to me that I will sacrifice my happiness and my wife's happyness to it. It becomes a kind of chicken and egg thing. I am unhappy because she is so very committed to this Society that I perceive to be destroying lives and I am unhappy because my perceptions are making her unhappy, and because I am unhappy, she's unhappy. And the let's-pretend-nothing-is-wrong strategy is basically the one we've been following for 30+ years, and it's wearing thin. Still, your advice about persuing other interests is sound. The happiest we've ever been together has been when we're doing things that have nothing to do with the WTS.

  My wife wishes my perspectives were different, GMJ. She knows I am sincere, that I'm not playing the hurt-me-hurt-you games some couples engage in, but that doesn't make it easier for her. I think reasonable means compromise. I am willing to compromise, but she is unable to. I have problems with the blood doctrine and the exposure, however remote, it manifests on her, our daughter and our grandson. I also have problems with the shunning of a family member. If there was compromise on these two things, I could turn a blind eye to a lot of other stuff, but there is no room for compromise on either front. Not because she doesn't want to but because she is forbidden to.
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  juci32

  WOW! I refused to keep doing what you are doing because we(non JW's) always get the short end of the stick.

  You are strong for finally thinking of yourself and stopping the compromising because they will not think twice about compromising with you. I havent even been married 3 yrs to my JW hubs and I couldnt take it anymore. I can admit i feel so much better, free and happy now that I dont have to deal with the judgmental ways of the JW's. They expect you to compromise cause it's the "troof" but they will not do the same.... You are not selfish or unreasonable... you are a human being who is getting fed up with BS.
• 

  trevor

  Lion Cask I ask myself sometimes if this thing is so important to me that I will sacrifice my happiness and my wife's happyness to it.

  This is a very deep and complicated subject. Pride is a treacherous enemy. If you love each other at a deep and fundamental level the rest is circumstantial. Instead of following, step aside and lead by your actions.

  I would say, continue to distance yourself from the JW connection and be your own man. Spend less time thinking about what your wife spends her time doing and make sure you have a life and friends of your own. That puts you in a position of strength and makes you attractive to your wife. Don't play their game - play your own.
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  Curtains

  lion cask

  I took early retirement a couple of years ago and now have a whole lot of time on my hands that I didn't have before

  I have problems with the blood doctrine and the exposure, however remote, it manifests on her, our daughter and our grandson. I also have problems with the shunning of a family member. If there was compromise on these two things, I could turn a blind eye to a lot of other stuff, but there is no room for compromise on either front. Not because she doesn't want to but because she is forbidden to.

  a while back a jwn member suggested making a documentary. I thought this was an excellent idea and have put it on my to do list for after I finish the lengthy project I'm working on. You seem to have lots of resources, time, business acumen etc at your disposal - would you consider doing something like this now? It would be constructive, you would be leaving something for future generations and most importantly you may be able to influence WTS policy makers, the very ones who are forbidding your wife to compromise.

  To an extent though it can be said that your wife and daughter have exercised a certain degree of choice as they chose to become JWs. But there is a small possibility that a documentary may present them with facts they were unaware of (if they watch it). However the greatest impact could be on your granddaughter's future and her choices .....hopefully she would be more receptive to something like this, and even if she chooses to become a JW it may be that by that time the leadership will have changed some of their more harmful policies because of outside media pressure.