I've finally gotten up the nerve to make a clean break. This saturday at 3:00, I'm having lunch with an elder. (those latins eat so late! Who has lunch at 3:00? Oh well) I'm going to tell him that I don't think it's the truth. I am so fed up with pretending. I've been racking my brain for 4 years, trying to make sense of things, and it just don't add up. I basically want to be disfellowshipped. That may sound strange to you folks, especially the fade-awayers. Since my wife is a JW, I can't move away. This will be the end of my marriage, there's no way I want to be married to someone who thinks the way they do. It would be no fun having a mate with an entirely separate set of friends. At this point I want to have a family, but without children who think their father is going to be killed by god.
I posted earlier about having met a girl from Ecuador, and how that really stirred up a lot of feelings. i appreciate the advice to back off and do one thing at a time. Very practical. I need to finish this, let a little time pass, and then I can explore other options. It's hard to think when your emotions are churned up like that. But the experience was useful. It made me realize that there are people I could actually be happy with. whether it's this woman or another isn't the point. I feel like I have a chance to be happy again, so I'm a little excited, and nervous, of course.
I've opened a bank account and gotten a new credit card in my own name. I've check out apartments, too. So, I think I'm really going to do it. Wish me luck!