This is a good thread and I almost posted a similar question at one point, and I'm glad you did this thread Sinis. As a born in I don't think I would have done it entirely different. If I could jump in the DeLorean with Michael J Fox, maybe I'd try convincing my younger self to resist the pressure of getting baptized, or at the very least, the pressure to reach out for privileges. Had I remained a Ministerial Servant, its possible I wouldn't have ended up posting on an apostate message board.
Something that's been eating at me the past couple weeks is the lack of happiness while playing this double agent role. I've noticed that I'm a happy guy at the hall. Even during field service, I can find some reasonable contentment even if it is all a tremendous waste of time. The times when I'm at my worst, are when I'm away from JW activities, and I'm left alone with my doubts and thoughts. It's left me wondering if maybe I could, or should do more in the way of theocratic activities. Don't get me wrong, I don't see myself pioneering anytime soon, but I wonder if increasing my field service time, taking field service more seriously, or setting theocratic goals of some sort would increase my happiness. Even participating in some of the social gatherings amongst JWs that I usually avoid, I wonder if I can find some contentment by letting loose with The Friends a little bit.
Granted, its accepting self defeat by ignoring all that I've learned since researching the religion I was born into. One might even call it assimilation. However, I believe that life is what you make it. You can choose to be miserable and find all thats negative in any circumstance, but is it possible to find happiness and positivity as an active, yet doubting Jehovah's Witness? At times on this message board I wonder if we're nitpicking, and that the fault in many of our issues with this organization, lies with us. I don't know, but its something I'm considering putting to the test. I'm strongly considering whether or not I'm going to auxilliary pioneer in April, and I know thats a 180 considering what I've posted on that subject in the past. But again, in harmony with the threadstarter's question, my life, and your life is one big question that we answer with our actions. There's much I can be mad about regarding this JW upbringing, but to be fair there has been much that benefited me as well. I don't know man.....