If Your Husband (wife) is Still In - -

by Had To Go 31 Replies latest jw friends

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  Had To Go

  Do you vacillate between caring that he/she is still entrapped in this cult and wanting to show them everything you have learned since your awakening and not wanting to rock the boat and therefore just keeping all this knowledge to yourself? I wonder if it is normal to go back and forth like I do. One day I want to tell my husband something I may have read here or on another forum and maybe, just maybe I will pique his interest. OR I may cause WWIII. The next week I keep everything to myself and don't want to ruffle any feathers so to speak.

  My husband is very much in. It is hard. We have 2 boys and that makes it harder. We had a fairy tale marriage (as close as it gets anyway) before all this and I am just not sure that it will ever be the same.

  Sigh...
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  BluesBrother

  I know the feeling, Had to go, My wife is very much In and we have had so many discussions, >arguments > rows about the religion.

  Now, I just try and "sow Seeds" gently, much as they advise J W's to do with UBM's ..The sad thing is that our partners seem veiled . Why can they not grasp that to deliberately misquote a source of reference is a LIE, and the WT cannot be trusted? Why are they not shocked that the WTS was an affilliate of the U N while all the while telling us that it was Satan's Organization?

  Then there are all the doctrinal issues that are plain as day to me, but to her are "just stupid" .....I think it is a mental block that they wish to maintain, and the payoff is keeping the future hope, even if that hope may be false..

  So, what do we do? just keep on keepin' on, as the song says. One day maybe we will find the one point, the Achilles Heel in their "Spiritual armour" that will open their minds to reality.........Here's Hoping.
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  Franklin Massey

  I started out dropping bombs (too much too soon; caused mental blocks and tension) and moved on to sowing seeds (actually working; mate more open minded now). For me it's all about patience. It's a two person tightrope walk and I want to make it to the other side together.
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  undercover

  Even though we may all share the same deal of having a believing mate (or semi-believing mate) each situation is different in that people react differently to criticisms, though valid.

  Pick and choose your battles. Don't nitpick the inconsequential things. For some the UN/NGO thing is a backbreaker, for others they just shrug their shoulders and don't see the hypocrisy. Maybe the shunning issue is a problem with some. We know our mates enough to know what pushes their buttons so you have to try to find something that appeals to their sense of fair play and expose that.

  Even then it's a slow process. Nothing happens overnight...and with some it may never happen.

  I encouraged my wife to pursue her career, and make friends/contacts in the outside world. That more than anything doctrinal related has pulled her further and further away. It hasn't completely freed her mind, but it's becoming less and less rigid in accepting WT-think. When the oppurtunity arises to criticize the WTS, I'll do it from a calm and factual, logical manner as possible. While raw, unbridled emotions will send them scurrying for cover, an impassioned, yet in control, manner can impress.
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  out4good3

  Wife still deep in as she's from a 3rd generation witness family firmly entrenched in the WT hellhole.

  She goes about her meetings and assemblies and only give me very brief synopsis if I give a hint of being interested in hearing. Usually I'm not. I respectfully listen but she's been able to sense when I've had enough. And when she doesnt sense it, I'll start point out the inconsistencies which usually shuts her down.

  Coming to a realization that the WT is just a farce, a big publishing and real estate holding company posing as a religion is a concept as foreign to her is living without breathing air. It is so frustrating when, even cornered and with nowhere to go, she'll defend and make excuses for the organization when their transgression is just as henious as any of the churchs they love to make fun of.
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  Had To Go

  For me it's all about patience. It's a two person tightrope walk and I want to make it to the other side together.

  I like this. This religion has taken over 12 years of my life from me and I don't want it to ruin my marriage either. Just as my original post, there are days when I am in it for the long haul, with hopes of making it to the other side together. Then there are days where I feel that I left this religion and I don't want it to play ANY part in my life and by being a quiet, submissive (puke) wife and not saying all that I want to say to our boys and/or my husband it is still controlling me in a sense.

  I just try and "sow Seeds" gently, much as they advise J W's to do with UBM's

  This is a good thing to keep in mind. Subtleness...I guess it is something that I need to work on. I tend to air on the side of all or nothing with things that I say.
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  Had To Go

  And not only do I need to work on subtleness, I also need to figure out how to format my posts.
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  undercover

  I also need to figure out how to format my posts.

  Yes, Sister HTG, you get a "W" on formatting... Maybe next post we can give you a "G"...
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  Black Sheep

  I have discovered that you don't need to tell them something new to rattle a Dub's cage.

  Just remind them of something they already know, so that they can't deny it.

  Instead of telling them stuff they don't want to know, ask a question they really don't want to answer honestly, then make them feel guilty for every tactic they use to not answer it. If they try a different subject, even several days, weeks, or months, later, refuse to discuss it until they have answered your question.

  They must know that you cannot possibly see them as having the moral high gound if they won't answer your question.

  It might not get them out in a hurry, but it makes them reluctant to have a go at you.

  Welcome to the forum HTG

  Chris
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  Gayle

  Wish I could be more encouraging,,I was submissive 10 yrs., arguments sure don't work, not my nature anyway. But the marriage eventually ended. He married a couple months later to a non-JW. She divorced him about a yr & half later, she didn't like JW stuff either. Funny.

  However, now, when it comes to your children, it's different. You have every right to speak with them, no less than their father does. Don't let JWs say 'you' can't pray with your children. You can say little stuff to your children, like okay to pray saying "Father." Jesus taught so in model prayer. Teaching them, keep it simple. And the children will get it. JWs go into so much meaningless explanations, loses the kids anyway to understand.

  Stepping stone, about birthdays, take them for 'their" special day. Let them pick a movie of their choice, and a restruant of their choice. Give a little special story of their birth. Give them a toy or two,,they won't be called "birthday" presents but gifts for their special day. JWs create their own little language, you will have to do so also. Opening their minds to additional thoughts and choices, little things. As the WTS, tries to close up their minds, you must discreetly teach them to open theirs, while yet teaching them to still respect their dad. JWs believe this way or that, BUT many others believe another way or two, and then try to encourage acceptance for other people to have okay choices.

  Well, it a one day at a time thing. You won't be able to change your husband. But you can be successful for your children to grow and not get entrapped into the JW non-thinking mind.