For those that are and have been married,did the JW lifestyle aggravate "typical" marital and family problems?

by miseryloveselders 43 Replies latest jw friends

  • nugget
    nugget

    Certain things helped the marriage for example don't go to bed in a provoked state especially when you can stay up all night arguing.

    It was useful to both be following the same set of principles. However it wasn't Bible principles that got in the way of marriage it was the demands placed by the religion that were detrimental.

    The stress of getting ready for meetings and attending when tired or ill just to keep up appearances. This gets worse for wives and children of appointed men since any absense requires a really good explanation. Other Elders seeking privileges held by others will not hold back from citing the family as bad examples in order to get what they want. This inevitably causes tension in the home. It also means that you don't actually listen to one another the husband doesn't want to hear that the wife is physically exhausted after having a hypo in the day and just needs to sleep. The wife feels the husband is an insensitive arse (I mean you Cantleave) but feels the pressure to conform.

    Add to this assemblies which involved ridiculously early starts and by the time you arrived to find all the end seats were taken by elders and their families from the local congregations who covered rows of chairs with blankets. You inevitably want to snipe but couldn't just in case interested people are there and you would create a bad impression. Oh and your husband yelled at you in the car because you hadn't had time to dry your hair because you had been so busy making lunch and getting children ready. Your husband is all dressed up because he had time to care for himself and feels you are showing him up. He is very sorry about that one.

    Preparation for meetings caused the most rows as he wanted to do it as a family and I wanted to be left on my own to do it. I could study a watchtower in under 10 minutes if I tried he took hours.

    Weekends where you spent time appart on service all the elders together and the wife had the children. (little does he know we often sneaked off on return visits to a local coffee shop and hid there for an hour). Spending time appart kidding yourself you were spending quality time together. Being in the same room quietly seething and trying to keep children under control. Endless evenings when my husband was out attending to congregation matters sometimes clearly upset by something but unable to talk about it. This led to visits to other elders to discuss and unload issues driving a wedge between husband and wife and introducing secrets into the marriage.

    The cult makes the cult the most important thing relationships are subservient to the cult.

    Thank you for the opportunity to vent I enjoyed that.

  • Magwitch
    Magwitch

    Not only did it aggravate the marriage - it totally destroyed it. One does not realize how disfunctional JW marriages are until you have been on the outside of the organization for a while. 20 years of serving a husband that lived by the scripture -"for those who have wives, act as if you do not". I was an absolute prisoner - I was to be seen and not heard. From the day of the wedding, I was cut off from all my old witness friends and witness family. I was not allowed to visit or call my family (even though they were witnesses that lived 20 miles away). When we were at assemblies and conventions with my family, he would not let us sit by them. I belonged to him and only him. Most of the 20 years, I spent suffering in silence. I did call in the elders twice through the years, begging for help in his unreasonableness. But, both times, it was very obvious it was just a Good Ole Boys Club. My husband was the perfect elder in their eyes. I involved my elder father the last couple of years (in absolute desperation). He talked to the body of elders in my hall three times about my husband's unbearable headship. They felt there was nothing they could do.

    It has been five years since I quit. I took my teenage girls and have never, ever regretted leaving the cult and miserable marriage. My daughters thankfully were saved from any of the brainwashing (since he did not have time for any of us). I am quite bitter toward marriage in general. I doubt I will ever tie the knot again - the thought scares the hell out of me. I love being able to come and go and be a free girl.

  • nugget
    nugget

    none of these were typical marriage problems they were cult created problems and I have none of them now.

  • itscrap&theyknowit!
    itscrap&theyknowit!

    Then they start fighting over stupid, little things that really shouldn't matter but they do because of the fear/guilt factor piled on them by the WT.

    Then if they do want some help, the elders give them worthless advice. Basically they tell the wife to sit down and shutup, and the husband to be a better head, which is code for dominate your family and tell them what to do. Oh, and btw get to more meetings, go in service more, and everything will work out. You know, stay on the WT hamster wheel and never get off. How in the world is that going to help a marriage?

    @ LOST GENERATION........u must have been the fly on the wall at my hall!!!! lol!!!!

    I was the UUUUBER-DUTIFUL Christian wife. I was already a naive and EXTREMELY humble child/adult. I never questioned ANYTHING. But, when the time came and I needed help with the kids from my husband....uh..the kid's dad.....I WAS HUMILIATED EVERYTIME!!!! Constantly told how my mother-in-law did things with 5 children and a husband as an elder and they NEVER skipped a beat in meetings, field service, etc, etc (let them tell it!). And, of course, ALL their kids have extreme marital problems that ended in divorce due to APPEARANCES.

    I tell young witness couples, RUN LIKE HELL TO HILLS!!!!!!!!!!!! You can destroy your marriage on your own!

  • itscrap&theyknowit!
    itscrap&theyknowit!

    The stress of getting ready for meetings and attending when tired or ill just to keep up appearances. This gets worse for wives and children of appointed men since any absense requires a really good explanation. Other Elders seeking privileges held by others will not hold back from citing the family as bad examples in order to get what they want. This inevitably causes tension in the home. It also means that you don't actually listen to one another the husband doesn't want to hear that the wife is physically exhausted after having a hypo in the day and just needs to sleep. The wife feels the husband is an insensitive arse (I mean you Cantleave) but feels the pressure to conform.

    Add to this assemblies which involved ridiculously early starts and by the time you arrived to find all the end seats were taken by elders and their families from the local congregations who covered rows of chairs with blankets. You inevitably want to snipe but couldn't just in case interested people are there and you would create a bad impression. Oh and your husband yelled at you in the car because you hadn't had time to dry your hair because you had been so busy making lunch and getting children ready. Your husband is all dressed up because he had time to care for himself and feels you are showing him up. He is very sorry about that one.

    @ NUGGET - ...oh yeah. My 'tiredness' prevented us from being used on the assembly, here and there, according to my husband. I got tired of all the stupid rehearsals anyway. So, if this was the 'cart and bull' that caused us not to be used...I picked up on it quickly. WE HAD THE APPEARANCE AS THE PERFECT YOUNG FAMILY IN JEHOVAH'S ORGANIZATION. ....Excuse me???!!! No one could tell how we argued and I'd been crying ALL THE WAY TO THE DAMN ASSEMBLY HALL (40 miles.... one way of getting blasted!!!)!!!!

  • itscrap&theyknowit!
    itscrap&theyknowit!

    I remember the kids were approx. 2 y.o. and 4 y.o. Went out in service on one of the HOTTEST Saturday's ever!!!!! CIRCUIT OVERSEER's visit!!!! Yaaayyy/Booooooo!!!! Means more work for me. I was tired from my 'usual' schedule as a working JW young mom and wife to a demanding elder.

    Was tired and the kids were tired and hungry and fussy. My hair all over my head. Hell, I don't think I had on matching shoes! Get to the service arrangement (of course, he leaves me to bring in the kids cuz it's my fault we're late). The ELDERS make car arrangments. I get to stuck with my f---- robotic mother-in-law and 2 other crazy sisters. I had to drive cuz we had the 'nice family van'. I was pissed!!!! But, I smiled and dutifully when about doing things for the sake of appearances. Low and belod, husband says, "I will meet up w/you after 1:00PM." WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him to take a kid and a car seat! Do you know the other sisters in MY carpool (especially my mother-in-law) all looked at me and gaped with fear and loathing and disdain????? They shouted, "Oh, no!!!! He's working with the C.O!!!!!!!!!!! Why would you send the babies with him???? They need their time together to discuss matters!" I said, "No! Of all ppl, the C.O. and his wife should be understanding that a FATHER needs to also deal with his children just as the mother does!" The parking lot of about 200 witness out to support the C.O. for service was quieter than a mouse peeing on cotton!!!!!!

    Later on, I was reprimanded and 'lovingly' scolded. We went home after 2:00PM which was a horrible f--- day. I was reprimanded during the 30 minute drive home. I cried all the way. Had the 'family study' and it was targeted towards me for all of 2 hours. Fed the kids. Had to screw my husband for about 20 minutes. Fold clothes. Couldn't watch Jeopardy because I hadn't 'studied' the article of the Watchtower for the 9/9:30AM meeting. So that kept me up until 11:00PM. Fought to put the kids to sleep while he and his other elder.m.s. friends went out and got f----drunk and probably between the legs of this whorish single sister's house they all hung over in secrecy. Then, it was Sunday and 7:00AM. Time to start the JW ritual all over again and I am asking Jehovah in the shower (and crying) "Why?"

    Oh...I totally apologize for venting on someone elses's blog.....

  • Magwitch
    Magwitch

    Itscrap&theyknowit! Your posts are spot on!! You have to live it to believe it. I just shake my head in disbelief that I actually stayed in the marriage for 20 years - Not very bright on my part! At least I did not have a mother in law to add to my woes - so sorry you did!

  • jam
    jam

    Interesting topic...I got married A month before shipping out to Viet Nam,

    A big mistake, my ex wife convince me to marry her . The night of our

    honeymoon was the first time for me (sex), I was 19 and she just turn 18.

    Fast forward three years after returing from Nam, one year as A JW and

    two kids. Old friend came to town (best friend) have not seen him in 4-5 years.

    From out of the blue he begain to apologize, your wife and I had A affair while

    you was in Nam, I told him to leave and never call on me again. I call my wife

    and told her (visiting her mom) I know what happen with (my best friend)

    when I was nam, he told me everything.She immediately came home and tried

    to explain. It was devastating. She called the Elders , they came over, remerber

    we were new as JWs . The sh--t came out. Not only the affair of first year

    marriage, she wasn,t A virgin ( remerber this is 1968) and their was others.

    I had never been with A woman. Well we stay togather for 19yrs, we should

    have ended the marriage that day. The elders reason, we all did A lot of

    terrible things before we learn the truth. It,s funny when I think about it

    My mom A very religious person told me when I was teenager, do not

    bring A child into this world until you get married, in other words no sex.

    Looking back we were too young. I tried making it work, the only reason

    we lasted so long it was the JW lifestyle, but it wasn,t love.

  • miseryloveselders
    miseryloveselders

    Just wanted to say that I really don't know what to say. In recent years as I've come into my own as a man, and become aware of life's problems, I've been pondering how much this religion creates unnecessary problems. I really had no idea what some of you have went through. I don't know what to say, especially to you women. I couldn't imagine dealing with any of that stuff. As a man, I've always prided myself on being able to take care of myself. I've never feared walking back streets at night, or going into so called dangerous neighborhoods. I'm more cautious nowadays on how i carry myself, and that has more to do with recognizing that there's some people that depend upon me, so I can't be as wreckless as I used to be. But, I just can't imagine what its like to be married to physically or emotionally abusive men. I don't know what to say, just wow. I'm sorry that you've went through these things. I just wish at times that those in Bethel would take notice of threads like thise and make the appropriate changes within the organization.

    ItsCrap&TheyKnowIt!, i have to ask you, in your post you mentioned on the day you got reprimanded, you also had the family study, later you fed the kids, folded clothes, screwed the husband for 20 minutes, and fought the kids to get them to go to bed. Forgive me if this is too personal of a question, but how is it even possible to be sexually intimate with your husband after such emotional events earlier in the day?

  • itscrap&theyknowit!
    itscrap&theyknowit!

    @MISERYLOVESELDERS- No. Your're ok to ask. I loved my husband, at one time. Correction. I WORSHIPPED my husband. This went on FOR YEARS. I also felt it was my duty. After all those years, I got to a point where I had no respect for him. He would always tell me, "If I should lose my position in the congregation for your foolishness (my being late, not having the kids ready for the meeting, me not leaving my job early to get to meetings on time, not having my Watchtower article studied to a tee....etc, etc, etc) I will forever resent you." WTF?!!! He was now are angry with me because now we have 2 beautiful children and he can nolonger galavant with the religion. We were nolonger a 'perfect JW' family for all to based their hopes and dreams on. At this point, we were only in our late 20's - early 30's!!!!

    Oh! I stopped having sex altogether!!!!!!!!! It gave me 'power beyond what is normal'!!!!!!! I stopped letting him pump his cramp in me. Needed to stop 2 things.....going to the hall and having sex with him! lol!!!! NOW, he begs, tries to buy me the things I've always wanted but never asked for, wants to take me on vacations, just the 2 of us (but, thru all these years I would beg for his time to be with me...I was not deserving of that and if we did go away, we would miss field service and our own meetings. If we did go away, he would make it HELL for me.)

    So, now....GAME OVER. I won, despite what the dumb-a$$ 'friends' tell him! I give him HELL EVERYDAY. As easy as just not talking to him or inviting him to family functions or vacations with the kids. HE CRIES NOW & IT KILLS HIM, he says. Karma is a BI***! As the JWS that!

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