For those that are and have been married,did the JW lifestyle aggravate "typical" marital and family problems?

by miseryloveselders 43 Replies latest jw friends

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  TardNFeatheredJW

  The root of my anger is not the bs that is JW. The root of my anger is the damage that it does to the family. Interpersonal relationships are difficult enough without having to induce pressure to get married to a 'fine upstanding brother/sister' who turns out to be a louse. Add to this the impossible schedule mandated by personal study, meeting prep time, failed service, meeting nights (including getting dressed, socializing, and commuting), and no privacy (Sister Bleedsalot had her period again, so she missed the meeting. sad to be that weak...), it really screws up family life.

  If church causes stress, anger, jealousy, and arguments then it isn't worth a s**t. When the elders came to my house and told me that my wife dressed too provactively, I was already ready to quit. I told them I can't control someone else's perversions and they should get a life. It wasn't long after that I quit. We ended up divorced later, as we were totally incompatible in life, but it wasn't the fault of religion, or lack of, that we split. If we were to stay together for some god, it would have just been a miserable life anyway.
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  itscrap&theyknowit!

  @ROSKI - I am sooooo sorry for your loss!!!!!!!!!!!!! Death is a horrible blow! As for your husband, let him answer to Jehovah if that's what he believes in! Like I told my husband, "you aren't serving Jehovah. You're serving THE ORGANIZATION!" It has been to the demise of our marriage. Our husbands are fine and have tunnel vision due to this dumb a$$ religion.

  I can tell my husband would leave if he could. But, the APPEARANCE factor for his family and other friends would probably make him commit suicide. Anyway, I've told him to stay with the organization, I nolonger want him.
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  itscrap&theyknowit!

  Everyone came first over me. We never had dinner together as we lived 30 minutes from the hall and we were so tight on money that I had to make lunch and dinner and after all day in service we went back to hall and stayed there while he studied for the meetings. He was the school overseer, WT conductor, secretory, service overseer. All the friends dumped on him all the time and their problems and needs came frist in our marriage.

  I would answer the phone and be yelled if he was not home. One of the MS's wife got supper mad at me because we did not have the money for a phone the first couple of months of our marriage. She was beyond livid at me and asked me how stupid was I being an elders wife without a phone so my husband could take care of his elder duties. I was so hurt and blown away by her anger at me that I just starred at her not believing she wanted me to really answer her. She demanded to know again how STUPID was I. When I told her I guess I was really stupid as she clearly was not going to go away until I answered her, she said YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!! Oh she was pissed at me.

  When I told my husband he said he could not believe me. He said no JW would ever speak to anyone like that I must have made it all up.

  @LIFEISTOOSHORT - I hurt for you!!!! I have been there. Are you divorced? My husband has done the same to me. I would NEVER question ANYONE in the organization as everything was PURE!!!! Always turned the other cheek. Hell!!! I kept it turned as the y continually slapped the sh** out of me (not physically). They may as well had! My stomach stayed in knots because HE WOULD NEVER PROTECT ME!!!!! I was a grown woman and my Mom and younger sister had to visit my congregation plenty of times to 'check up on me'. The sisters were very jealous and envious. There were times it was horrible. But, my spineless husband would chastise me, not them.

  And baaaaabyyyy!!!!! I grew a spine and some thick skin! They started calling me crazy when I got to the point of 'talking back'. The organization, not the world, turned me into a 'pottymouth'. I had NO problem putting sister...and brothers...in their places now!
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  life is to short

  itcrape@andtheyknowit

  It is amazing that they told you, you were crazy also.

  My elders have done the same thing to me. Only it is I am mentally ill. Yeh because I finally stood up when pedophiles moved into the hall and I was expected to treat them like brothers in the truth who had power over me. Please this men raped babies. I will never give that kind of person any respect even if it meant Jehovah was going to kill me.

  I finally found my spine.

  It is amazing that they tell everyone who goes against them that they are the crazy one. We are the carzy one while they are allowing child molesters to hold and take care of children.

  It is so sick but I am glad I woke up.

  LITS
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  life is to short

  Thanks Migwitch.

  It has been so hard, these last few years. I was so blind for so long, I blamed myself for not being a better wife. I wish I had woke up years ago. This religion put women down so much it is unreal. I truly thought everything was my fault, that I was to blame for being treated to horrible. I hated myself for so long. Now I am truly starting to hate this religion instead.

  LITS
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  itscrap&theyknowit!

  My elders have done the same thing to me. Only it is I am mentally ill.

  @LIFEISTOSHORT - Yeah! That's what MY HUSBAND was telling everybody...even my own damn family was accepting it! I had 'mental issues'! I was so damned angry.

  When you choose to leave the organization, you go thru a bunch of emotions. Oh!!! Then, he wanted to take me to a psychiatrist!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the years I would say let's talk to the brothers about the crap that was going on in our marriage, he NEVER wanted to go. PLUS, THEY DON'T TALK TO YOU UNLESS YOUR HUSBAND WANTS TO!!!!!!!!!!!!! He even told me elders don't get shepherding calls!!!!!!!!!! When I recently brought that to his attention, he says, "I never said that." I wanted to f--- slap his teeth outta his mouth!!! I just called him a liar and left the room.

  I told him that I knew about his dimantling my character. He says, "but, you have to hear my side of the story." B***sh**!!! And you want me to stay in a marriage where you have told EVERYONE your wife is mentally ill? You want to stay married to a mentally ill person?

  I chose to get educated, leave the organization and leave my spine-less husband. Now, I'm mentally ill? OOOOKKKKAAYYYY..............
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  no more kool aid

  Misery, my husband and I talk about this all the time. The Jw life is very rough on a family. I just dreaded meeting nights, when the kids were little they were getting cranky at 730pm and ready for bed, but no you had to dress them up and make them behave. Just when mom and dad could use a nice shower, a bathrobe and the couch you have to scramble and get ready for a meeting a put on a fake smile and act interested. Come home at 1000pm with a crabby overstimulated wide awake toddler.

  When the kids are older it is even worse, they have home work, school activities and you have to run out the door with no dinner or dinner with a total mess of kitchen to come home to. Saturday and Sunday morning there we were playing drill Sargent again! Come on let's get out the door everyone unhappy, then we usually came home exhausted and slept for two hours (depression from the futility of the days events). Then I would usually get up to clean the car after it was abused for 3 hours out in service. Don't even get me started on convention week, OMG! None of this is very conducive to a warm safe haven that a home should be, and not very romantic for mom and dad either! NMKA
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  Broken Promises

  One of the MS's wife got supper mad at me because we did not have the money for a phone the first couple of months of our marriage. She was beyond livid at me and asked me how stupid was I being an elders wife without a phone so my husband could take care of his elder duties.

  Maybe she could see what a jerk your husband was, and couldn't believe that you would marry such a man.
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  life is to short

  Broken Promises

  I do think you make a point that many of the "friends" did think my husband was unbalanced but they were the ones who were calling him, such as this MS's wife when there was a problem she felt he needed to take care of in the hall. So if they thought he was a jerk then why not just leave him alone so I could have my husband.

  Also this MS's wife was so sweet and kind to my husband but as soon as he was out of sight she was a Witch toward me. I was totally blindsided by her as before we were married she had me over to dinner with my future husband and she was so nice in front of him toward me.

  That was not the true person she was. I think she treated her husband the same way, as one time she unleashed her anger on me in front of her husband and he just stood there with his head hung down. I was so hurt she was just yelling at me because I had forgotten my house keys and I gotten a ride home with her husband and son from the meetings. I had no way to get into my house as my husband was at a long elders meeting. She did not want me in her home period. Her husband did not know what to say as it was after a Tuesday night meeting and it was late for me to wait outside till my husband got home. She had all these illness so she was hardly ever at the meeting but she was one of the 144,000 so we all had to listen to what she said.

  You know writing all of this it just sounds so crazy. Seriously I mean who would believe this. If someone was telling me what I just wrote I would think OK I was a little off. The elevator is not going to the top floor for sure.

  But sadly it is all so true.

  OK this MS's wife, this lady was only in her 30's never went to the meetings but her dad was a well known elder and she married this MS had a son and then rules the hall. I mean how does that work? She is not even at the meetings, but everyone thought she was just wonderful.

  Then one day she said Jehovah just let her know she was of the 144,000.

  This would be laughable if it was not so sad and painful.

  The things I went through have been so painful, so hurtful it is unreal. And for what to sell Watchtowers.

  As far as my husband being unbalanced he was he was totally unbalanced but the other elders used that part of my husband so they did not have to work. They knew they could dump on my husband anything and he would what ever they asked. There were so many times they would have a date with their wife or something they wanted to do and my husband would jump for them. What about me, what was I. I know it was my husband's fault, I clearly know that but it still makes me mad at all of it especially once I stood up and said enough then I was crazy for not taking it anymore.

  It is turly crazy making.

  LITS
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  life is to short

  Also I forgot to add is that the MS's wife did not lover her husband, she did not want to marry him but he made her because they were engaged and being she was an elders daughter she felt was was trapped. She let everyone know that if she had to do over she would never have married her husband.

  I was so blown away when I moved into the congregation but everyone in the hall just accepted it and let her talk, which she did a lot of, when she did feel well enough to go to the meetings and out in service.

  OMG this is truly all so crazy.

  LITS