This isn’t the first time I have posted about problems with one or more of my sisters. But I need resolve:
I am disassociated, and have been free for over 25 years. Both of my sisters are still in, and hate each other vehemently. The both tolerate me though, (isn't that against the 'rules?"( and as of last April, our elderly Mom has lived me with and I care for her in my home. My sister who lives closest (I will call her sister A) handles her financial matters, like her bills and banking and takes her to her doctor’s appointments (I can’t drive) and things like that, but mom lives with me and my hubby and grown sons. Mom is a delightful lady, always appreciative, and she is very happy here. Nursing homes are not an option, and we see to it Mom is well cared for. Mom was contributing 500.00 a month toward her expenses here up until recently…( me and hubby originally did not want Mom to pay anything to live with us, but sister A insisted, so we did it to help mom feel like she was contributing her part)
Sister A who handles Mom’s business affairs has done so since before I moved closer to help care for mom, so I never thought anything about that part of her helping to care for Mom. I can do it, but Sister A does it. I have come to realize there is an element of control that SA has in doing that exists…(please understand that she is a control freak and she likes ‘policing’ thing, especially me, my family and my life). It seems she watches every penny Mom spends, (watching to make sure I don’t take Moms money and spend it J ) and Mom loaned my sons some money (less than 100.00 total) recently between two of them, to make a trip outside of town for a short bit. Sis A saw that on Mom debit card and asked me about it, so I told her Mom loaned the boys some money. She went off on me, (what’s new?) and bitched an ranted about how my boys had no business taking any of Mom’s money and when she gets like this, she goes on, and on and on, backed by emotional rage and just off the wall!.
Now I know as well as you there are two sides to every story, and I will provide both—honestly and truthfully (under Gods sovereign watchful and knowing eye) that what I say is truth.
I have not a mean bone in my body. I don’t lie. I don’t gossip, cheat, steal, manipulate or coerce. I am not vengeful, nor hateful. And I have taken an incredible amount of verbal abuse from Sister A for a very long time. Sister A told Sister B that I am hateful, a liar, seething with hate and twofaced—sweet to your face and seething behind your back…. Siiiiigh. Not trying to toot my own horn here, but I am none of the above. Sister A did not want to me know she said those things about me to sister B, so she told sister B to stay away from me, to have nothing to do with me, that I was all the above stated. Then sister A told me the same thing about sister B…..and that sister B had said horrible things about me and my family and that I should have nothing to do with her and that she herself was cutting her off, blocking emails and phone. (She is pitting us against each other, a control thing). When I asked sister A just what sister B had said that was so horrible (I can take it, I am used to it for the most part), she told me “You don’t want to know! I can’t tell you cos you will be so mad at her and hate her like I do.” Then she went on to explain how she was blocking sister B and for good and would not want anything to do with her even if our Mom passed, she would not even come to the funeral if sister B was there. She made it sound like she was protecting me from the horrible things sister B had said….and that she herself could no longer deal with her.
No lie. She said that. I have it in my email records.
So something didn’t sit right with me and I emailed sister B and asked her what on Earth she could have possible done to upset sister A so bad? I explained that SA was livid, was blocking her email and wanted absolutely nothing to do with her, and I wanted to know why and what was said. I asked her to please send me the correspondence so I could know what’s going on, which she obligingly did. SB was as dumbstruck as I was, and said that for the life of her, she could not understand why SA was so hateful and spiteful…not exact words, but close. I have all that in my email records too.
So SB sends me the correspondence. There was the general exchange of daily issues, the mini updates and such, then there was what sister A said….it started out stating that she (SA) tried to stay away from me as much as possible, but had to see me on occasion when she came to visit Mom and take her to her appointments. (Not true…we went all sorts of places together. Yard sales, lunch, thrift shops, had lots of time spent together usually with Mom with us). She told SA that she had better watch out and have nothing to do with me because I was “hateful and sweet to your face and seething with hate behind your back”…..that my home is disgusting and ruined because I let my sons (she has no children) still live with me, ( my home is quite clean, open, comfortable and peaceful) and that I lied about some things to a brother at her hall. (that is another issue and story, but as God as my witness, I don’t lie. ). There was more, but I was shocked at what I read! I could barely believe my eye! Fighting tears, I struggled with this and what to do, how to feel, what to say…if anything. I wrote SB back and thanked her for sharing and told her I was once again under attack, just as she was and it will just have to pass.
SA did not want me to know the truth of what she had said to SB, so she told me that SB was the one who said all the horrible things, and now I know the truth. SA does not…not…know I know the truth, and I am holding it as my trump card on the day I say a final “good-bye and I never want to hear another peep outta you the rest of my life” speech.
Back to the present: Mom loaned my sons some money. SA saw it online, and asked what that was about. I told her. She was pissed. The barrage of assults began, and she made herself out to be the one who controls Mom’s money, the one who has all the say to what Mom does with her money, that the boys were taking advantage of her and using her and on on on it went. BTW, Mom is quite capable of thinking for herself!.
I went silent for a day, and answered tactfully and politely, never throwing verbal spears or intentionally fueling her fire.
It didn’t work.
I decided then and there (with agreement from my hubby) that if money was such an issue, then we will remove the issue. No more of Moms money each month. That way, SA can’t hang that over me how she is the one who allows us to have it! That infuriated her even more.,…but she calmed down and began to say things like: “well, the boys are her grandsons, and if she wants to give them money, that’s fine….” And that I (meaning me) deserve to have something for all that I do to take care of mom (she can’t, and admittedly so. She has no patience). I could see where this was going…she was losing her control thread and was trying to turn things around and make me change my mind. She also claimed she was Mom’s spokesman” and that she had every right to watch over Mom’s affairs…..and that if I had control of the money, I’d spend it all!!!! Siiiiigh. God, help me here…please! I tell you this: not once, ever, ever, ever, have I spent Mom’s money other than what was deemed rent or contribution money. And taking that was at her insistence.
I had made a comment about how I likened her to someone else in our lives prior who was very short tempered and quick to jump and accuse…and she didn’t understand what I meant, so I summed it up nicely by stating that this person was simply a bitch, and I was insinuating the same to SA. OH CRAP!!!!!! Here it comes!
I called her exactly what she is! I felt great about that, but it hit a nerve. I told her I would not call her one if she did not act like one, so stop acting like one!.....
Ok, this kinda banter goes on, and I shall spare you….My husband stepped in to confirm what I said about the money—we don’t need it, and he told her if she had a problem, to call him. (he is a trucker and gone all week and she never, never attacks me when he is at home) .
So here is my problem and this is where I need help please….
Last night, for the first time, I actually felt true hatred for my sister. She meddles, lies, gossips, twists things and all to make herself look good and important. She belittles me to make herself look good. The things she said to SB have all but burned a hole in my soul. The things she said about the hatefulness, the seething hate that I am two-faced about…sweet to your face and seething (I hate that word) behind your back---that just blows me away…BUT, I afound myself being JUST THAT LAST NIGHTY!!!!
I was literally seething with hatred for her, for her awful treatment toward me and lying and such. Attacking me. Mad at me cos I cut the purse strings and can take care of Mom on my own(except I cannot see well enough to drive leaglly)…. She even threatened to make Mom move in with her…(she cannot handle that) or to see if Mom would be happier in a nursing home! (Mom would die early in a nursing home). I was full of hate—just as she claimed I was to my SB last fall.
Being DA’d, I can’t go to the elders and tell them she is a troublemaker. Why would I want to do that? Cos it’s the only thing I can think of to cause her the kind of pain I feel!!!! Her husband is aware of how she is and has NO control over her… in fact, I doubt he knows half the crap she pulls. He is a nice man and he has been good to me, even apologizing for the times he did treat me bad. (he did that on SA’s bequest).
What do I do with the hate? How do I deal with a control freak sister who hates to see me happy, healthy and balanced? How do you stop someone from meddling and judging your every move. I can’t just walk away. Mom is the golden thread.
I know Jesus says forgive…I know God sees it all too, and I can just about guess some of His thoughts on the matter, but in the meantime, this bitch needs to drop back and leave me alone. If she wants to see Mom (she never comes to just visit, there has to be a reason like appointments) that’s fine. I really don’t want her in my house anymore, but can’t even do that cos of Mom.
I need her off my back.
Your insight and wisdom is welcome and appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent.