Robdar, only in her HEAD she is in charge of Mom's money. No POA.
Has your mom arranged to give your sister signing authority with the bank(s)? If not there is probably a violation of the bank's terms of service going on here.
W
I Hate My Sister and Am Becoming "Seething and Hateful" Like She Says! Help!
by CrimsonBleu 29 Replies latest jw friends
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Finally-Free
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NewChapter
Perhaps if you can't go to the elders, Sister B should. Isn't she obligated to do so---she has proof your sister is a slanderer and a liar.
Other than that, just hang up when the conversation goes off track. You do need to talk to her, but you are not obligated to take her abuse. Like a child, she must be taught about borders, and when she oversteps, she is no longer worth listening to. You need to protect your emotional health so that you can give your mother and family your best.
You won't be able to stop most of her behavior-you will only be able to shield yourself.
NC
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CrimsonBleu
Tammy and Nugget,
maybe you are right. Maybe I need to pull that trump card out and call her out on her actions. Lemme think on that.
NewChapter, it (going to the elders) would be the death-strike if I do that. I cannot go to them, being DA'd for all these years, but maybe, just maybe, SB would.
I must ponder this thoughtfully. I don't wish to inflict pain, I just want her off my back. I am sick of being her target.
I don't know how to reply with a quote, can someone explain?
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Scully
First, you need to have a conversation with your mother about her finances and the control she has given your older sister over her money. You want to know whether she is happy with that arrangement. Does it suit her current needs and her anticipated future needs? Does she have the amount of control she would like to have, or does she feel that your sister has "taken over" in something that your mother is perfectly capable of handling herself? Is the financial control a power-of-attorney situation, or is it more like mom has your sister as a joint owner of her bank account, which allows her to sign cheques and pay her bills? (Either of those is revokable at your mother's request, by the way.) Does your mom not want a confrontation with your older sister? (If not, that would be a warning sign of elder abuse for me.)
Could your sons drive your mother to her appointments to relieve your sister of that responsibility? If your mother wishes to revoke or modify your older sister's access to her finances, would you be able to make a trip (by taxi or having a neigbhour drive you) to her bank and/or lawyers office to complete the paperwork? My feeling would be to execute that action BEFORE informing the older sister, so she cannot withdraw money to spite you and your mother for cutting her out of the equation.
Is your mother aware of the malicious gossip that your older sister is concocting in order to drive a wedge between you and your other sister?
I think your reaction to your older sister's attempt at creating a rift between you and the other sister is a natural reaction to being hurt and betrayed and manipulated. However, I also think that deep down, you really don't "hate" your older sister - you "hate" the manipulation and the other injurious behaviour she has chosen. It seems to me that your older sister enjoys the ability to control your mother's finances without accountability, in addition to attempting to control your mother, your other sister and you, plus your sons. It also seems that your older sister harbours a lot of insecurities or self-doubts about (giving her the benefit of the doubt) or she does not want to be caught doing something illegal (giving her no benefit of the doubt) in the way she is managing your mother's money, otherwise she would not feel the need to put you and your other sister at odds.
Any discussion with your mother and/or sisters needs to take place with you in a TOTALLY calm, emotionally controlled state of mind. You will need to confront the older sister about the manipulative tactics she has employed, and state your expectations to be treated with respect and fairness, if for no other reason than to diminish the stress on your mother. You also need to state your objective clearly: that you want to share the responsibility equally with your sisters, in order to be fair, and in order to dispell any hard feelings regarding one person taking on the lion's share of caring for your mother and also to avoid the potential for squabbles in asking for transparency and accountability for your mother's financial affairs.
I like the suggestion of dividing the financial responsibility between all three sisters, and ONLY in the event that your mother cannot manage them herself. Your mother needs to consult a lawyer to do this properly - where there would be money in trust for her care, with receipts submitted regularly by each sister for reimbursement of expenses toward your mother's care or funds paid in to help cover larger expenses toward your mother's care. For instance, if the trustee deems that $100/week is an appropriate reimbursement toward room and board that you provide for her, the other sisters would be expected to contribute a share. If your older sister provides all transportation for her, then she needs to keep records of mileage and vehicle expenses so that you and the other sister can contribute your share of that. If your mother needs medication or glasses, etc. the trust fund would reimburse for that expense... and so on. Having to be accountable and transparent for the use of your mother's money is going to be really important for the three of you to learn to work together for the common best interests of your mother's well being. It will also require all of you to work together instead of being at odds with each other.
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Robdar
Robdar, only in her HEAD she is in charge of Mom's money. No POA. My mother is fully competent to handle her own affirs, but SA has had them in her hands since mom had a serious surgey before I moved here to help care for her. She could be taking money from Moms account for all I know...but I don't know for sure. And no way to find out.
I don't care if she does have responsibilty with it..it's not her place to dictate to me about something that did not even involve me. If she had a problem, she could have asked Mom herself instead of launching into an attack. .if Mom wants to give money to her grandsons for whatever reason, she should. One of them is a CNA and is a tantamount help when Mom is having surgeries, sick or needs any kind of help. Both work, but were low on cash. So what?
Crimson, if there isn't a Power of Attorney, how is it that your sister is able to do business in your mother's name? And if your mother is competent, why hasn't she taken back control of her financial affairs? I do agree with you that if your mother is competent, there is no need for your sister to be meddling in her affairs or making negative judgments when your mother decides to lend your sons money. And yet she seems to be doing so, AND with your mother's permission. This story seems to be missing other pertinent information.
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CrimsonBleu
Let me address Rodbar first:
"Crimson, if there isn't a Power of Attorney, how is it that your sister is able to do business in your mother's name? And if your mother is competent, why hasn't she taken back control of her financial affairs? I do agree with you that if your mother is competent, there is no need for your sister to be meddling in her affairs or making negative judgments when your mother decides to lend your sons money and yet she seems to be doing so, AND with your mother's permission. This story seems to be missing other pertinent information."
Mom is 84, and had a few surgeries, making getting around tough, but doable. Mom is comptetent enough to carry on with her daily activities and such for the most part, but since the surgeries, SA has been the one to do her bill paying for her and has just done it since. I moved here about two tears ago to assist. Mom had her own apt at that time. SA would always write out Moms rent and bills each month, and continues to do so today.
Mom fell and was hopsitalized. I moved her in with me to recover and she was able to return to her independant life in her apartment about a month later. At that time, my husband and I determined that Mom should be under watcful eye (when she fell, she called me and could not get up off the floor). So we found a bigger house and moved her in and she has her own room, bath and plenty of space to call her own, and she is safe and sound here. SA still continued to pay Mom's bills etc, and that is where the part comes in that I state that she insisted we take money as moms contribution to our houseld. This was her saying that and Mom wanted that too. SA has always been the one to cut the check. No POA, but I do believe her name is on Moms account. Mom has not had the responsibilty of paying her own bills for a few years now, SA has just helped her and did it for her. SA is still banker. Mom doesn't get much...just a little over 1000.00. She has no other assts or any other sources of income.
SA was angry that Mom let one son have 60.00 and the other 35.00 for a trip 80 miles away for a job they were doing. (Each had a separate project, and she happily let them take her debit card to the bank to get the money. Son 1 bought 35.00 in gas for the trip, son 2 got 40.00 cash, and some eats and drinks. total about 95.00. All with Moms blessing.
Remember, I was SA's target...the money thing tripped her trigger.....again. This has happened on other occassions but it's getting old.
Mom is aware of what is going on and it is stressing her out. You see, Mom feels like she is causing the problems..she feels responsible, and and we (sisters) get into something like this, she wants to crawl under a log and hide! That's just mom! Always neutral, always equal, alwyas loving and fair. She didn't care if SA handled her money, she trusts her...and so do I for the most part, but I am starting to wonder.....So all this is weighing heavy on her now. Yes, she knows. I had to tell her becasuse SA said maybe it was high time she.....she....move mom out of my home and either move her in with her (no go, she can't handle it) or put her in a nursing home. Yes, she said that. She is saying that to hurt me. She told me that if I were in control of Moms money, it would all be gone.
I never needed it, but took it on insistance, and just made a more pleasant atmosphere, and bought flowers and all the things mom loves with the extra money.
I know you see just my side, and there are always two. But God as my witness, I speak from the ehart. Thanks for taking your time to offer your input.
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CrimsonBleu
Scully: (I wish I knew how to do the quote thing!!)
Mom is aware, and it hurts her that this is going on. She does not like being put it the middle of things like this. My sister targets me, and is using Mom as a pawn. SA was counting on me keeping this to myself....and mom not knowing for it would upset her. That is what I normally do...and it is festering...Well, it did upset Mom, but Mom needed to know
I agree the responsibilties are to be shared, not lorded over. And why am I not privy to Mom's bannk account?
Mom is afraid to say anything to SA. Yes, she does hold the key to all this, but feels akward in telling her daughter SA her feelings. SA is very domineering and if you disagree with her, you can expect trouble. That is the control thing. She is not mean or abusive, just controlling. Persausive, and her energy keeps anyone from getting too close to her. If I stand up to SA (oh she hates it) and I have, she twists what I say. She misses the point and makes something different in her favor. That is why I want her off my back. This is why I cut the money coming in...told her to put Moms money in an account and just leave it there, I do not want it. I told her I resented her for trying to control me through Mom's money.
I believe a third party should be handling it...that takes blame and accusation off of both of us.
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Scully
CrimsonBleu:
The quote thing works in Internet Explorer. Copy the selected text and paste in the reply. Highlight the area and using the Styles menu, select the "quote" feature.
Other folks (like me) will copy and paste the text and then apply the indent or italics or bold options instead, or use a different colour.
why am I not privy to Mom's bannk account?
That's a good question. I'd suggest to your mother to contact the bank and have them forward the statements to her directly - it sounds to me that your sister may be siphoning off money and preventing investigation or avoiding suspicion by having the statements sent to her address? When your mom has statements mailed to her, you can sit down with your mother and review the account activity. If there is anything out of order, then your mother has solid evidence and can make a properly informed decision to change the arrangement. As I mentioned before, any changes she makes will have to be done BEFORE informing your older sister so that she cannot try to bully your mother into changing her decision, or make a large withdrawal out of spite while she has an opportunity. I would suggest that this take place on a random trip to the bank - get your sons to drive you and your mother there, sit down with one of the financial advisors and review the account activity, and then if it is necessary, make the changes in access immediately.
You said that your sister is "not mean or abusive, just controlling."
Well, I have news for you. In a relationship, trying to control the other person is abusive. Trying to control the other people by lying about family members so that communication is strained or terminated is abusive. Just because nobody is getting bruises or beatings doesn't mean that abuse isn't taking place. If she is willing to abuse you emotionally and mentally and relationally, there is a strong chance that she is willing to abuse your mother financially too.
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Scully
http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/abuse.php
Types of abuse
Abuse is a pattern of behavior in which physical violence and/or emotional coercion is/are used to gain and maintain power or control in a relationship. Abuse may be continuous, or it may be a single incident of assault. Abuse may be physical, sexual, psychological/emotional, or ecomonomic. It can include threats, the destruction of property, and/or stalking/harassing behavior.
Of particular concern to me are the following:
Psychological or emotional
- Repetitive and excessive criticism
- Humiliation and degradation, which can include swearing, name calling and put-downs
- Restricting or controlling access to personal or social resources or friends
- Homophobic, racist, misogynistic attacks (degrading and hostile remarks about your sexual orientation, heritage, or gender)
- Threats or harm to pets
- [I would suggest that your sister's threats to send your mother to a nursing home counts as emotional abuse]
Economic
- Controlling finances
- Stealing money [There is at least an enormous potential for this kind of abuse to occur]
- Creating debt
- Interfering with employment or education
Here is some information on Elder Abuse, which identifies similar behaviours to what you have described on your older sister's part: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elder_abuse http://www.helpguide.org/mental/elder_abuse_physical_emotional_sexual_neglect.htm
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CrimsonBleu
Scully, thank you! I think a trip to the bank is indeed in order.
I am concerned that the folks at the bank may think I am the one coercing her if I take her to the bank. I think Mom can handle this emotionally because it would settle an issue.
Would it be right if I simply put in a Change of Address request with the post office? And can I get a Power of Attorney without my sisters involvement?
Thank you, and thank all who have helped me here. This is taking an enormous load off me and Ifeel lighter. I have also prayed, asked God to take this burden away, told him that right now I cannot love my sister, and asked him to do it for me until I can regain my own peace of mind again.