sd-7 Where Are You?

zoiks

You are sorely missed here.

I hope you're well, my friend.

shamus100

The love monkey will summon SD7. Monkeys have tremendous powers, yet unbeknownst to filthy human beings.

jamiebowers

The last time we spoke was last Friday via email. He's very busy at work right now, but I don't know if anything else is going on.

zoiks

Thank you Jamie! I hope that he knows that he is missed.

I got an email from him today. He was sick with a cold over the weekend and missed work Monday. So now he's even busier at work than he was last week. Now we're trying to figure a good time for one of our hours long phone calls, LOL! I told him about this thread when responing to his last email this evening. He'll probably be popping in in the next few days.

sd-7

"My people are unarmed, Malagant. If it's me you want, here I am."

Hi everyone. I took some time away from the site. Figured it might help with the anger issues. It hasn't, of course, but at least it makes me less angry at the cult all the time. Even if it is like .000001% less angry.

I find myself realizing just how mistaken I really was about everything I was intent on doing. I guess...if I really did want to die, this is not a bad way to do it, slowly, painfully, grinding my existence away in a miniaturized version of the cult. There was a thread on here recently about abusive women, and as I was reading it, I realized that it completely described my marriage from top to bottom. Emotional abuse has been going on from the start. Constant work/attention inside or outside the home, no outside friendships (not even with males), reading my e-mails/text messages/journals/Facebook posts, trying to control what I read, write, watch, even where I sit in the home, calling me selfish when I buy something for myself, even something minor (<$20), even when we have plenty of money to spare, and especially if I don't notify her about it. And essentially expecting me to live as a JW would, in every material way apart from actually participating in the religion itself.

I also realize that I started acquiring abusive traits myself in the midst of it all. I've been tired, confused, lost and angry. Over the weekend I was so exhausted from the insane schedule (get 5-6 hours of sleep during the week, 3 hour round trip commute to work, grocery shopping quite a few nights of the week and more shopping for other stuff during the week and/or on weekends, or babysitting, shuttling family to and from meetings [okay, but we're 5 minutes away from the KH, no big deal], to in-law's home for laundry every week, taking out trash, washing dishes, sweeping floors, cleaning off table/countertop, that's not even to mention the need to do my own laundry which happens maybe once a month and it's looking more like once every 45 days, paying all the bills, etc.) that I nearly fell asleep behind the wheel. I was reminded of what happened to Steve Hassan, of how it could've happened to me. It makes me think that this marriage might not only be unhealthy, but maybe even a serious danger to life and limb, for me and for them, too, inadvertently, though my wife seems less than concerned about my constant state of exhaustion.

I am gravely concerned and wondering what I'll do next. The fact is, her turning me in to the elders is something that has permanently destroyed my capacity to communicate with her about anything relevant or personal. That was the Crown Jewel of Important Stuff To Be Said. It's not really fair to punish her forever for my mistakes, or even to punish myself forever for my mistakes. She's had a hard set of circumstances to face herself, just with the pressures of the religion, caring for the home and her daughter, and so on.

I guess this is where we should wave the +10 Wand of Man Up Power and use 55 MP in a Titanic Manly Demonstration of Manliness. I have yet to reach that experience level, though, so here we are, wandering through a labyrinth, low on HP and potions, with disaster at every turn and no way to get back where we're supposed to be.

Maybe I've neglected her, though, maybe stayed at work too long, or...that Facebook incident...I'm far from a perfect husband. She shouldn't have gotten involved with me, and I shouldn't have kept the real truth from her for as long as I did. If she knew from the start, she would never have married me. I knew, and I had every possible chance to not marry her, but I did it anyway. So I'm pretty much to blame for this situation.

But having already suffered the worst from exiting a cult, trying to shake up my marriage either for good or to end it seems a mountain too high right now. If I think about it too hard, my heart will never stop breaking. And yet, I'm exhausted, nervous and paranoid. Angry and on edge.

Well, human nature means that there is an approaching storm. What that will mean for me exactly, I don't know. If you don't feel safe talking to your spouse about buying 'Inception' for $6, how can you feel safe talking about what you really need from the relationship? She herself has raised the same question many times. The fact is, I feel a genuine, tangible fear about talking to her about anything important. Because I'm not good at making my feelings known in no uncertain terms, and never have been. Every moment is about her needs or wishes, and...I guess...emotionally, I don't feel like I'm being validated as a person, just used up.

I'm not sure why I continue to write stuff like this, because it's only going to make me want to leave again for awhile. Because folks are fed up with reading my crap and with telling me to man up and with me not understanding even the slightest about what the heck that is. To me, it's like wondering why a two-year-old can't ride a mountain bike. There's just...so much more ground for me to cover emotionally in order to be able to stand up for myself. There's so much fear there.

Not really sure how someone like me even got out of the cult. And knowing that women can use the same methods, and that my last two relationships have been emotionally abusive, it's just so discouraging. It makes me feel like it was all for nothing. March 10th will mark one year since my official DF'ing. But learning about emotional abuse, I feel like that had no meaning. I just went from one cult to the next. And this one, I've given so much power to.

Nothing makes sense anymore. There's a sense that there will never be another home for me again, never again a place of rest, peace, and safety. And warmth. Am I just being self-centered, focusing on the negative?

I'm not sure if I should even click 'Submit' on this one.

sd-7 is just fine. Perhaps we should just stick with that canned response next time one of these threads shows up.

--sd-7

miseryloveselders

So she's a stay at home mom?

baltar447

Dude, you're a cool guy and really witty but you need to grow a pair.

Start manning up and take control of the finances. Start there. Tell her you're going to buy WTF you want to, and she needs to keep her comments to herself. Otherwise you'r'e going to get an attorney. Maybe that will scare her.

If my advice is bad others please chime in.

sd-7 Where Are You?

zoiks

leavingwt

shamus100

jamiebowers

zoiks

sherah

jamiebowers

sd-7

miseryloveselders

baltar447

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