To our fading and in-suffering friends, status report please

by Mad Sweeney 21 Replies latest jw friends

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  Mad Sweeney

  I like seeing a well laid out plan, stuckinamovement. I'm not sure about the blunt force dogma tactic on a spouse but you know your situation better than I do. I just know that it has failed a lot of brothers.

  Bath, whatever works for you is what's best. If you find, however that the half-life of fading is hurting you, it's better to get out and start over from scratch than it is to suffer. You can ask subtle questions that might help others you care about start thinking, too, while you're still in.

  Good luck, everyone. Keep the status, the plans, and the successes/failures coming!
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  LongHairGal

  MAD SWEENEY:

  I am a ten year 'fader' who goes to the memorial. A couple of years ago I may have attended a special talk or a Sunday here and there but I found it was more trouble than it was worth. I didn't like feeling anxiety and I liked people coming up to me giving me the third degree or making snide remarks even less. It isn't as if I am afraid of them, but I am afraid of myself and what I will say. So, I will just stick to the memorial. Less chance for me to say too much.

  When I see some of the 'friends' in public I get mixed reviews. There are those who say hello and there are those who avoid or ignore me. In the past I might have had a generic conversation with curious women who I ran into at the mall, etc. but I don't bother now. I can't be bothered with their cattiness and gossiping. So, now I ignore them or at least pretend I don't recognize them. Let them think it is because they have aged so badly.

  My life is okay and certainly better than when I was a JW. I have connected with relatives and made a new friend or so. I consider my time in the JW religion as a learning experience. I got a lifetime education on how to avoid manipulation and I can spot it a mile away.

  JWs are resentful of those who are out and I suppose they wonder why.
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  Reopened Mind

  My husband and I are in the processing of fading. We bought a home and a business in another state and will be completely out when we move in the spring. We have been going to that area for the last three years and have made some nonJW friends there. We will have to let them know of our JW past but will save that for when we get there permanently.

  While still here I have reconnected with my cousin and her husband. They know we were Witnesses and have changed our beliefs. They were especially surprised at the severity of JW shunning practices for what their church wouldn't even bat an eye at. We have been celebrating Christmas and birthdays with them.

  My husband stepped down as an elder at the end of last year. He had words with the CoBOE a few weeks back and hasn't been back to the hall since. I have only been to a meeting twice in the last three years. He laments that no one has visited or called to see how we are but personally I am glad we are being left alone.

  I have many JW friends here with whom I am friends on facebook. There are also JWs who I have friended from other areas. I haven't decided how I am going to handle that when we make a clean break. Any advice on how to handle that would be appreciated.

  Our oldest son is out. However our youngest son lives near his fanatical JW in-laws with his wife and two small children. He wants to leave but for now he is trapped. It is for their sakes that we are being extra cautious.

  Reopened Mind
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  Soldier77

  Well, I'm a good way into my fade. It is almost a year since I've been out in service. Actually, this month will make it a year! Nice. I didn't stop until Dec of last year in turning in fake FS time, I don't even get the SO calling me anymore. They don't give a shit.

  I haven't been to a meeting since January, first week. Before that I was averaging 1 meeting every 2 months since last March. I have missed all assemblies/conventions since then too. Plan on not attending the Reject Jesus memorial this year. I don't even know the dates and would rather not know them so I can plead ignorance.

  I no longer consider myself a JW. They no longer have any power over me. I've gotten back in touch with my aunt who is DA'd and she has been helping me and encouraging me and letting me vent. If it comes down to me being "outted" and they decide to DF me, I will not accept it and make sure that they know I have DA'd myself. Until that time comes, I will continue to keep a low profile in hopes of getting my mom to see the WTS for what it really is: A Lie.
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  bafh

  I think it's all about what is right FOR YOU. It appears that many here didn't have the choice to fade. If you have the choice, and you are not trying to make a point to someone by DA yourself, then why crap in your own nest? Seems by fading, some have succeeded in accomplishing their need to escape out of the Org, while at the same time they have been able to maintain some normal relationship with those persons important to them who are still "in".

  If it works for YOU, why care what anyone else thinks.

  "Inauthentic"? That sounds like someone trying to manipulate you into making choices that you don't want to make.

  Thanks DOC for your comments. I am one of those people who want to escape the ORG but maintain my family/friends relationships. You see who your true friends are if they still talk to you after you stop attending. I don't feel I'm being inauthentic. For me, that would be continuing to go even though I am miserable just to please someone else. I also know that fading is a process, and that attending and being miserable to please someone else is part of that. At this point, I'm beyond doing that - so for me, simply not going is authentic. I don't feel the need to criticize or critque - because frankly I don't care enough to think about it. I think that is MY authentic truth. To those still "in": May the FADE be with you....

  BAFH
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  Morbidzbaby

  I haven't been to a meeting in about 8 months. FS even longer. I began fading in March of last year, skipped every other Sunday. Then I started skipping every Sunday...followed by fazing out the TMS & SM. I think the last time I went out in FS was when they were doing the Memorial "campaign" last year. I attended the Memorial and what a doozy that was...long story short, an elder pissed me off by telling me we couldn't enter the theater before half hour prior to the Memorial, yet they wanted my dad and other elders and MS inside and were making their families wait OUTSIDE after we all walked about 4 city blocks to the theater. They wanted us all to go back to the cars! I kind of made a fuss and loudly asked "What are they doing in there that's so SECRET that we can't sit in the theater? This is stupid!"... about 5 mins later, we were approached by the elder and he apologized and welcomed us in.

  I will not be attending this year. There is zero reason to do so. I don't believe in it, I don't want to waste a night of time that I could spend talking to my BF for hours and enjoying real freedom. Once I move out of the area this summer, my fade will be complete.
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  DesirousOfChange

  How about some comments from those who have decided they need to keep one foot in the hall (IN-SUFFERING FRIENDS) due to the fact that all the family/friends are there and you're just not ready to FADE or DA???? Are you glad you are doing it that way? If you started that way, but eventually faded, do you wish you'd have faded sooner. (If you got DFed, then I don't think you can comment on this, as you didn't really have a choice.)

  I'm not ready to bailout on it all yet. Most of my family is still all IN. But I've reccently come to realize that it's all "smoke and mirrors". I no longer can buy into the BS that the HS is involved in all these f$%^ed up decisions. It's politics. It's nepotism. I had been hoping for some organizational changes that would make it all better, but I've given up on that. Any changes that have taken place are making it worse (other than eliminating one meeting). I no longer think it's any better than most any other religion. But I don't think it's any worse. I think it serves the purpose of teaching morals and having a place for a social network of friends, most of which are sincere and well-meaning.

  I even think the "brass" at the top are well-meaning. I think they really believe it. They have to! They have SO much invested. Plus it's just like the political candidate that can't see the forest because of the trees when his chances of winning are ZERO. He's surrounded by all of his YES-MEN who keep feeding him the BS and never telling him what the polls really say (YOU'RE A FREAKING LOSER). Did you ever know of a Jdub elder who could really tell the CO/DO the real facts of a matter. NO. They just grovel and tell him what he want to hear and the CO/DO keeps going on thinking he's a freaking inspired genius. I can't even imagine what it must be like with the GB. Who has the guts to slap them around and wake them up to smell the roses?? They surrond themselves with their own YES-MEN. It's the same as the scripture on having one's ears tickled. No one around with the balls to say "That was a stupid f^&%ing decision!" That would just get them a one-way ticket OUT -- out of Bethel, out of the good ole boy "circle", out of the Truth.

  Time to get another beer.
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  whathappened

  Let's get some more updates. These are very inspiring stories and may help the new ones here on the forum.

  Me? I am going on 2 1/2 years without attending any meetings or service. The rumor is that I am an apostate and will not be coming back. I am avoided like the plague. No elders ever call me, no sisters ever call, no one acknowledges me when they see me in public.

  My daughter and son in law who are in will allow me to come visit them but I am not allowed to spend the night (I live out of town so I have to get a hotel room). As long as I do not talk bad about the beloved Watchtower Society, they say they will not cut me off. My nephew who is an elder has no contact with me or his poor mother, who is also successfully faded. I do not anticipate any trouble nor do I plan on making any. I do try to enlighten all who will listen about the dangers of this cult, commonly known as Jehovah's Witnesses.
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  EmptyInside

  I may go to a Sunday meeting once a month and no longer go to assemblies or conventions. I do go to the Memorial,since I have to take my elderly mother.

  Most think I went back to my home congregation and my home congregation believes I still go to another congregation. The elders can not be bothered and pretty much leave me alone. They half-heartedly tried to arrange a visit,but I just act like I forgot,and ignore them.

  I really don't think about it so much anymore. I don't consider myself a Witness. All the ones I grew up with are out and some even disfellowshipped,and we all reconnected.

  My family,with the exception of my mother,consider me still a Witness. I don't plan to change anyone's mind until they are ready. I suspect,my nephew,will wake-up one day about the religion. He thinks too much to stay a slave to the Watchtower. I'm counting on that.

  I don't like confrontation,and although,I have had it out with my mother,I have decided to just stay quiet. But,at the same time,continue to take steps to live the "real" life. I'm especially happy with being free to believe what I wish,and not so worried about the Society's current understanding of it. My options are growing,and I don feel confined like I did as a woman in the organization.

  I'm just so much happier away from it all.
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  whathappened

  Glad to hear you are doing well, Emptyinside. Hope your nephew wakes up sooner rather than later.