struggling & need feedback

by wildeflower 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  wildeflower

  I am 32 years old, have been disfellowshipped since age 17. Was born & raised in the "truth." My father was and still is an elder.

  Without going into the gory, painful details: I have kept in somewhat contact with my parents in the last 15 years (I can't believe it's been that long!) by calling them and popping over to their house, etc. - trying to be a part of their lives. After years of doing this and getting basically scraps of attention from them, I decided this is ridiculous & only causing me pain. It wasn't a healthy relationship. So I stopped making an effort 2 months ago and guess what? Not a peep from them. I just don't exist.

  Not that this should surprise me - but I guess I always held out hope that love would win over. Call me crazy but I still don't get that losing a daughter wouldn't make someone re-examine their life. My father and I had a VERY tight bond. I also think that my upcoming wedding in 5 months (my first) is making these strong emotions surface, knowing they won't be there, Dad's not walking me down the aisle, etc. and it makes me realize all over again how needlessly painful this all is.

  Okay, let me get to my point! Although we have had our debates & emotional conversations over the years, I feel like I still haven't presented my case enough. I feel like there needs to be one last hurrah before I walk away.

  My question is: Did you finally reach a point where you said, enough is enough. If I am to be in your life, then take ALL of me, with respect & love or else forget it? And have any of you either orally stated your final case or written a very thought out final letter as a last ditch effort to say your peace (piece?).

  Or is it a matter of learning the art of exhaling and letting it go, once and for all?

  Thank you in advance for replies and thank you for letting me vent - I have been emotional as of late and after struggling with these issues for years alone, I am taking advantage of the wonderful people on this board.

  ~ Rachelle
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  mrs rocky2

  I'm so sorry you have to deal with so much emotional pain. You are not alone. My husband and I wrote a boundary setting letter to my father a number of years ago (they live several hundred miles away) because we were tired of his controlling behavior. (Somehow it doesn't seem right to feel like you would rather be dead after visiting your family, which is the point we had reached after visiting my parents for only a weekend.) My father, an elder, chose to be proud and arrogant, felt accused of things we didn't accuse him of, and has chosen to ignore us, has told the rest of the family that my husband has turned me and the children away from contact with him (evil husband now). Until about three years ago we were pillars in the local congregation, very regular meeting attenders and participants. The very carefully written letter asked for efforts to improve our communication, and instead it made things worse.

  JWs think they have the handle on Christ like love. Unfortunately they don't see that the love they show is not extended unconditionally to family members. You are a bigger person than they are if you continue to accept them as they are and try to maintain some contact. Of course, you need to do what is emotionally healthy for yourself. For me, emotionally healthy means very limited contact. Love is forever. Love even puts up with people who don't show love in return. Their loss.

  We have a friend who is DF'd and went to his JW daughter's house, knocked on the door, they let him in and let him visit his grandchild. It's a start. You can say anything to them you want - it's the ones still in the Borg who are limited. So at least they know you have love in you. To do this you have to expect a certain amount of rejection, and be ready to protect your emotions, in other words, you can't wear your emotional self out where it will get hurt.

  None of this is easy, there is no perfect answer to the problem. Love is the answer - it's just so hard to show when it is not returned.

  Wish I could make it all better for you!
  Mrs R
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  Solace

  That is so sad that your parents would lose contact with you. The W.T.S society thrives on breaking families apart because it causes the remaining J.W. family to need the society even more. The W.T.S tells them that "they are their spiritual family and thats all that they need", Then they forbid the family from having contact with the disfellowshipped one. It must be very painful for your parents to actually believe that you are going to die in armageddon. I feel sorry for people going through that. I know how I used to feel when I believed that. It really isnt their fault that this has been engrained into their minds. My uncle once said about my children, in a sad voice, "Why should I form a relationship with them and get attatched, They are just going to die anyway". He later apologized and felt awful. The W.T.S teaches their members that all people even innocent children are to be destroyed. When I was young I used to wonder why would Jehovah kill the children, It wasnt their fault that their parents are worldly. The W.T.S. teaches the children are like baby rodents that will soon grow into big rats and needed to be destroyed. This kind of teaching is sick but very common for the W.T.S. Imagine hearing, reading, and meditating on that kind of material every day. Your family is controlled by an organization. Your parents think they are doing wrong by God by contacting you and are afraid to. Im sure it is killing them not to. Its not their fault they believe this. They are truly brainwashed. Im sure deep down they think its cruel and sadistic too but are afraid to say anything. You on the other hand, know the truth. My advice, Dont play the W.T.S game. As long as they are speaking to you, Go to visit them! Im sure they miss you very much. You are not a J.W! Dont let the W.T.S. control you anymore!! You Go girl! I will be praying for you!!!!!!!
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  DakotaRed

  Every situation is unique, so none of us has an all encompassing answer. But, I would put an end to any suffering you have over it. I wouldn't be rude to your parents, leave that to the hypocrites in the Kingdom Halls.

  Invite them to your wedding, but don't be surprised if they fail to show. The Bible says we leave our families and stick to our mates. Let them know you love them and always will, then get on with your life. One day, you will have your own family and they will be your top priority, as well as the major source of love and satisfaction in your life.

  Right now, I am struggling with a wife whose support is more for the dubs than for me. Since I DA's, her attitude is that I knew what to expect, as far as shunning. Of course I did. But, the only time I get upset is when her or her kids dub buddies come into my house and expect me to leave the room, look down their noses at me, and then wish to utilize all the possessions and comforts I am providing, most of which I had before I was remarried. Then too, since my profession is an auto technician, some still expect me to be "johnny on the spot" when they have a car problem, but shun me the rest of the time. No way, Jose!

  As far as the JWs are concerned, I follow the golden rule and treat them as they treat me.

  It hurts to leave a parental family behind, but if they are the source of anguish, I would leave them behind and build a new and loving family of your own. If they wake up and come to you, accept them, warily. But, first and foremost, build a family with your spouse and whatever children you have. They will come first.

  Just my opinion, mind you

  If God's Spirit is filling a Kingdom Hall, how is it that Satan can manuever the ones within that Kingdom Hall at the same time?
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  wildeflower

  Thanks Mrs. Rocky & Heaven for your replies & concern :)

  I was in it for 17 years so I KNOW how it all operates and I remember how I used to feel towards disfellowshipped people myself - I was scared of them & thought they must have been bad people if we weren't supposed to talk to them - how horrendous.

  I know it all in my head but lately I have felt a resurgance of anger & hurt - like I said probably because of my wedding and I am hurt that they have allowed this to go on for so long especially after we have had multiple conversations and heated debates. But they have it in their head that whatever I say is because I've been swayed by the "world." I am simply frustrated.

  Are THEY suffering because of this? Oh YES - I know for a fact that my mother has suffered from depression for a long time and for 10 years had feelings for another man because she drifted from my father after I left home (resenting how he handled the situation), my father started drinking - my brother and I went to see him to confront him because my mother would tell me he has a problem and tell me how much vodka he consumed a week but her & my father would walk around the house pretending nothing was going on. That's the thing - they have problems & make mistakes too but when you are a JW, it's brushed under the carpet, it's hushed, it's because they haven't relied on Jehovah & prayed to him, it's because they are spiritually weak, it's because I started all these problems by leaving, etc. Argggh I get so mad.

  I love my parents, my arms are open to them, I WANT to have a relationship with them. When they get older and if they need care, I will be there - of course! But I can't keep making the effort, with no effort back - to me it's almost as if saying their behavior is ok and it's not.

  Just part of the whole frustrating package ...

  ~ Rachelle
• 

  wildeflower

  Dakota Red ~

  You are right about a lot of things. I know in my heart what to do regarding my own situation which is why I made the decision to back off.

  My fiance & I are not planning on having any children but I have a spectacular niece and lots of wonderful family on my mother's side (who by the way are Catholic and loved me when I was a jw and have loved me as an ex-jw) and friends that I have made. These people are my world and what I will focus on. And I am so grateful that I will have 100 phenomenal guests at our wedding and in our lives :)

  I wish you the best with your wife - that has to be tough when it's your mate.

  Warm wishes :)
  Rachelle
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  singsongboi

  youve been there wildeflower - so u know what u are dealing with... and you know how they think!!!

  i had the reverse situation -- i was df'd and my wife -- i elected to give my former children (and all of our property)to my ex-wife to save the viciousness of court battles and because i still thought of it as the truth, and even thought (at that stage) that i could get back..

  i spent months in hell separated from my children ***.

  i was not invited to any of their weddings...

  i walked away with nothing after 30 years of marriage and 37 years in the so-called 'truth'....

  i was forced to build a new life for myself... a life that is superior to my witness life ---

  i regret the loss of my children, and sometimes think i should have fought to be a presence in their life!! but i made what i thot was the best decision at the time...

  i cannot suggest to you what you should do in your case... i do not think any of us should presume to say that you go back to the truth, which is probably the only way you will gain a closeness to them, OR that you should cut them out of your life.

  its a tough decision, but you have to make it!!!

  but pls remember, that jws do not 'own' love.. tho they often speak as if they do...

  that they do not own 'kindness' ( in fact many have problems showing it)

  that they do not own 'warmth', in fact, often deliberately turn it off, as your parents seem to be doing!

  but DO remember, that there are many dysfunctional families among witnesses --

  and MOST of all, that one day there may be ANOTHER change and that a relationship with your parents may become possible!!

  in the meantime, to be a strong resolute person in your right, without any props, is a pretty good place to be...

  wishing u every happiness in your marriage... hope it turns out good for you!!!
• 

  Francois

  Wildeflower,

  Let me please recommend that you write a letter as opposed to a face-to-face. You can always have one of those later if circumstances warrant.

  A letter guarantees that you will say all you want to say without forgetting any of it due to emotional pressures of being there in person.

  I did mine that way, and it was the best idea. I was advised to cover such issues as:

  How you felt about growing up in the Borg.
  How your parent's reaction affected you at the time.
  What was the cost to you at the time in emotional terms.
  How you have felt about the way you've been treated over the 15 years.
  What is the outcome in your entire life of your association with JWs.
  What it will mean that your parents aren't at your wedding.
  How you feel about the future absent your parent's love and presence.

  In short, make these people KNOW how all this has affected you. Make it impossible for them to IGNORE or DENY what their behavior has done to you.

  This is what I did upon recommendation of a very good friend. I did it. And it was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself. And that IS the reason you're doing it...for YOU. Not for them nor anyone else.

  I hope you don't mind my being direct with my unsolicited advice in this area. I've been where you are so I know where you're coming from, you see where I'm at?

  Francois
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  wildeflower

  Francois,

  Thank you for your directness - that's exactly what I want & the intent of my post - to get feedback from people who have been in my situation for some tips, experiences & support.

  Thank you so much ... my gut feeling was to write a letter but it will take me some time to construct and I want to include brief points about them taking responsibility to honestly research their beliefs.

  :)
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  Solace

  Thats ironic you mentioned the depression and drinking. My entire family is J.W. and they all abuse some form of substance either alcohol or perscription drugs. Some are on antidrepessants. Even my aunt who is a missionary, I have never seen her without a drink in her hand. I guess they need somthing to cope. I am 31, I married out of the faith, a Catholic man, sound familliar? Thats what started me wondering....My family, all J.W.s, were very judgemental, tormented people. They didnt seem to be happy or at peace with their lives. I wonder why...Yet, my husbands family seemed so loving, caring, giving and very much at peace. Imagine, a pagan Catholic family. Anyway I honestly didnt believe my family when they said they would make it through armageddon but my husbands family wouldnt. I guess it was my own conscience speaking to me because I didnt know anything other then what the W.T.S taught. I realize now that I wasnt crazy. I am happily married, have two children and I am getting on with my life. My family did come to my wedding but I had to get married by the justice of the peace. They wouldnt step in a pagan church. I cant believe I actually thought this was normal behavior! I swore to myself when I had my first child, I would never do that to my children. I was never baptized so I was never disfellowshipped. My family is a little distant but they still speak to me. I dont say too much about religion other then quote scriptures that disagree with their teachings when they get judgemental. They can argue with almost anyone but they cant change the scriptures if they are pointed out to them. By the way, they hate it when I do that. My one uncle one time admitted that he liked debating with me. I hear he is getting the internet soon. Should be interesting what he comes across. I think its up to us not to get down to their level. I went through an angry period when I found out the truth about the W.T.S. But now I realize I should be angry at the society, not my family. They were tricked and are victims in all of this too. They are more tormented then I am right now. Thank God I learned the truth before I got my children involved in this mess.
  You deserve much happiness, Im sure the lessens you have learned in life although unfair, will make you a wonderful person, wife and mother! Take Care and God Bless! many prayers!!!!