I debated the wisdom of making this post. I have made every effort to make it as neutral as possible to avoid personally offending anyone. I may be losing my marbles here, but I feel that this needs to be said. This will be my last statement on this topic.
Some feel that they do not claim to be a judge of a state of mind, but then go ahead and judge other people's state of mind. Here is a short little test to illustrate the difficulties of written communication:
Scene: A police Officer is driving along and a car comes around the corner going the other way. He nearly side-swipe them. As they pass, they yell at the Officer, “PIG”!!!
1. Are they angry at him because they thought he got to close to them?
2. Are they warning him that a PIG is standing in the road around the corner?
3. Do they just hate Cops in general?
What is their state-on-mind? Without all the other input that communication normally provides, the single dimension of the written word can and often does leave a different impressions on the reader than what the author intended.
When we read something from a person we know well, we can more easily read it as though we heard them talking. And unless they say something out of the normal for them, then we can feel somewhat safe that we have properly understood what they intended.
When we read a post from someone we don't know well at all, then it is very natural to read it with our own emootional reactions. If we are in a bad mood, we might see something as very negative. If we already don't like the author, me might assume a tone and manner inconsistent with their intent. If our life experiences have caused us to treat certain words and phrases as negative, then wihtout knowing the author, we can easily overlay our own mood into what was written.
Illustration of how our emotions can dictate our reactions:
Scene: Two long time acquaintances meet. One calls the other a SON OF A BITCH!
1. Is this an insult as pay back for some past grievance?
2. Is this a term of endearment for some sub-cultures?
There are many variables here ... a person from the southern USA might react very strongly because calling someone an SOB is an extreme insult. Whereas a country westerner from Arizona or California might feel it a term of endearment. Another example is how people in major metro areas talk compared to those in rural areas. The "F" word is less offensive or perhaps more accepted in New York than say Smallville, Kansas.
Face to face will determine much of how calling someone an SOB is received. With just the written word, there could be confusion as to whether humnor was intended, or some cultural thing, or tone of voice.
The difficulty is determining whose responsibility it is to resolve the problem. Each side may feel that the other is solely responsible. Maybe if two people really want to solve a problem, they both share in that same responsibility. To be honest, I don't know. And sometimes, no matter what we do, we can never make amends because the other side will not have it that way.
Another problem with communication is making claims or allegations - al la Ad Hominem, but then failing to back such up with examples that demonstrate the validity of such claims. Here is a quote to that illustrates my point. I have removed reference to the author, because the issue is what is at stake, and not the person:
" ... but believe me those nuns masde sure I had reading comprehension skills. Easy to comprehend cowardly avoidance of addressing someone when called out. I also recognized inflammatory statements and words used to manipulate the emotions. You cleverly used all of the above, to little avail."How does one address the context here? I will do my best.
1. I seriously doubt that "Nuns" taught reading in such a manner so as to help students identify and comprehend that a 'no comment' is somehow an act of cowardice.
2. A claim of use of manipulation and inflammatory words is made. With what evidence? What specific words or statements can be identified that would be highlighted such that the offender could see it and then be afforded opportunity to either clarify or apologize? None. Not one clear coherant or cognitive sentence is provided to make a solid argument. Without that essential ingredient placed into the equation, it is impossible to to go anywhere with such claims. They remain forevermore, mere claims, and nothing more.
So, here is my personal committment as a participant on this forum. If I ever in any way say something that offends, or causes feelings that I am being manipulative, or using inflammatory words, or exhibits some state-of-mind that I am acting in less than a genuine manner, then I agree to the following:
1. I will look at specific examples where quotes of my statements are made, and the Offendee then makes specific discussion of how my words could have caused themn angst. I will make an honest effort to understand the problem. Claims alone are worthless. This was the same problem I had with JW Elders. they would make claims, but then speak in cryptic terms so as to deflect from needed evidence and examples. I told them to take their hypotheticals and go, because there is no way to address pretend issues.
2. I will make every effort to resolve the problem by either admitting that I was insensitive, or clarifying my intent. This is where I expect honest dialogue. This can be done on or off forum, but to me it is only fair to allow some healthy exchange before being boxed into admission of error.
3. From here on out, if someone is not comfortable discussing with me on the public forum my behavior, then by all means, feel free to privately email me at [email protected] I will keep any such discussions confidential.
4. If after thorough discussion, I have realized and admitted my error, and you want a public apology, then it will be done. If private is enough, I will abide by that.
5. I ask the same treatment toward me in return. If I am puzzled by something said to me or about me, I will follow the above - respectfully.
Yes, many of you know me, and feel that maybe I did not need to post this committment. I agree that it is likely not necessary. Most here have good common sense and social skills, so this exercise is not really necessary for everyone. I am not trying to talk down to anyone. I just want to say what is on my mind so that it is on the record.
Maybe in some cases this post may prove to set the stage for future constructive dialogue and conflict resolution. That is my hope and I am willing to engage anyone on that level playing field. Some might feel that it is a good thing. I don't know until I post something how it will be received. None of us as yet are mind readers, unless of course, evolution has taken some recent new turns.
Thanks for listening and being there. Enough said by me. Now, I will end all further comments about this issue, and move on to other things.