...amongst both JWs and ex-JWs, I'm sure. I'm planning to get back into therapy to deal with my self-esteem issues, and to stay the heck away from emotionally abusive women. Which, given my apparent magnetism to them, logically means all women by extension, as I can't seem to see the train until it's two feet in front of me.
I think about all the JW men I knew, whose marriages broke up. Let's see. I can think of about 6 off the top of my head. One broke up with his wife, got DF'd, then came back and reunited with her. Another broke up with his wife and was allegedly spotted with some other woman sometime later--my mom claims to have seen this herself. Another got DF'd, reinstated, then DF'd again, and remarried. Another got DF'd and the last I saw him, he brought his new lady friend to his little brother's wedding. Not that it matters. I've sometimes wondered if those who never returned to the Borg ever found out what was really going on. I doubt it. Can't say I'm faring much better; I've got my own share of guilt and shame and fear just from the scars of this brief marriage.
Lots of people were telling me to stand up for myself, same as they told me not to get married to a JW in the first place. Common sense never really prevailed, and maybe a bit of leadership on my part would have saved this marriage. I'll have to live what that failure.
But at least the slate is clean now, and I can start from scratch again, completely free of the Borg. I don't fully understand why I've been so weak, and why I failed to spare her all this pain. I'll always be ashamed of how I've conducted myself in this whole matter.
She believes I plotted it out, schemed to divorce her. I was extremely tired, with no hope for relief; most men would either have put their foot down or considered getting out of the situation. I thought about that, but I very much felt that I needed to hold on, to believe that things would get better if I just worked harder and put more time into it. Yet I was overwhelmed by sadness and my inability to forgive and trust her after her turning me in to the elders. Once trust was destroyed, it was over.
She felt that I didn't trust in or wait on Jehovah, but rather, that I sought to make my own way out. I've made plenty of mistakes, to be sure. I feel that the responsibility for all this is mine. Things finally developed to a point that I felt I had to end it. It was not premeditated, even with all the grievances I had with her. I will always love her and I miss her a great deal.
The past 11 days have been quiet, lonely, and terrifying at night. I've drowned out the pain with as many movies as I can manage, but I can never destroy the guilt. I can never feel that I tried my best. I made her hate me. I guess that was inevitable.
She suspects or believes that I ended things so I could pursue someone else. Or worse, that I was thinking about my ex-girlfriend the entire time. Neither of these things is true. I didn't want things to end as they did, and I had no plans then nor do I now have plans of being with someone else. At this point, there isn't anyone else. And I'm not exactly frequenting bars or the like, and I don't talk much with co-workers and anyone I know from the boards here is very far away and I don't have those kinds of dealings with them even if they were nearby. It's just me, going to work, going to the store, coming home, watching movies while eating dinner, cleaning up and going to bed.
Since I'm obviously ill-equipped for normal life, it's clear I'll be heading back to therapy soon. If you've got any good advice, however, I will actually try to listen for once. I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to avoid any irrational decisions (ie. women, suicide, alcoholism, etc.).
I really just wanted to say something, just to say something here. I feel that this was 75% my fault and 25% hers, but I'm sure many would give it a much less favorable slant, from the empirical perspective.
I'm not happy about how this started or how it ended. I suppose I should have let go of all hopes of reuniting with her the moment I discovered the Society's corruption. It's pretty bad as it is, but admittedly it could have been a lot worse. It's hard for me to imagine that I'm lucky, because this had more to do with stupid, arbitrary, illogical decisions than with probability.
There is little comfort these days. I just hope things will get better with time and I can successfully learn the lessons I need to learn from all this. I spent most of my JW life trying to avoid girls and later women, fearing the impact they had on my feelings. I suppose I didn't really know the meaning of fear until they got close enough. It's part of being human; I just never learned to accept it, even after leaving the cult. Perhaps therapy will help with those issues.
I know there are good women out there, some of whom I've had the honor of meeting thanks to this board. But as far as relationships go, it's clear that I can't identify a suitable partner. I was supposed to be alone, so that this couldn't happen. I was reckless.
I hope to make up for the past 2 years by making sure that no more women get close anymore. I think that's the best solution apart from suicide. Which I should've done a long time ago, and it would've prevented everything from 1998 onwards. I would've missed a lot of good movies, but maybe they show movies in hell. I doubt it.
How did you become normal people? Why is it that I can't function out here? I can't return to the JWs. I hate what I've transformed into, and I hate what they pushed me to do. But I'm not really very 'worldly' either. I'm just not built for survival outside of cultlike influence. Clearly I need to build with better materials then. I know all about mind control and cults. I now understand how emotional abuse works. I know so much, and yet I still feel so ignorant and powerless. What is it about you, out there, that makes you so strong? What the hell do you do that makes you able to stand up and not take a bunch of crap? I just don't understand.
Growing up, I always tried to be perfect. My older brother bullied me a lot. I got hit with every wrestling move known to man. I didn't really think about it much then, but maybe it added up. Mom, my brother, they'd both hold me down and whale on me, albeit in a limited way that generally didn't cause any lasting pain or bumps or bruises. Did I learn to be powerless then?
I wanted to please my parents--and the elders--more than anything. I thought I was doing it to serve God, but in hindsight, I was doing it to serve them. Did that result in my being taken advantage of, always wanting to please the woman in my relationships, even at serious, unfair cost to myself? I never felt like I was doing enough. That feeds right into an abuser's mindset, doesn't it? Maybe I was being abused for a very long time, and didn't understand the symptoms.
I usually want to believe that there is good in people. Idealism--same deal. Even as a JW, I still believed humanity was capable of great things if they just united. Maybe that's still true. But I guess...when it translates into a relationship, it can be a way of tricking myself about the other person. I don't know. Any of that make sense?
Just wanting someone to tell me it's going to be okay...that was too much to ask, and far more than I deserved. I hurt the woman that I should have been willing to die for. I turned her against me. I lost her. Is that what I wanted? Did I plan it out? I can't believe that, and I won't believe it, not ever.
But I've rambled and whined far too much here. I'm going to get on with life, work a few more decades, watch a whole lot of movies, and eventually, die alone, as it was meant to be. Hopefully I won't have to wait too long. I have lived fully now. I have loved, had a family, and seen enough of what life has to offer. Better to rest than to live amongst the giants and continue to be stepped on. Perhaps this world was not meant for me.
I hope your lives are going well. I don't ask for sympathy, because you folks, well...you're just giants with Internet access. I am actually asking for a little advice, even if it's hurtful, on where to go from here. A lot of you have been here, and...it's hard to see my way ahead.
Keep on JWNin',
sd-7
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