I've been "a proverbial saying and a taunt" for awhile now...

by sd-7 20 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  caliber

  I really just wanted to say something, just to say something here. I feel that this was 75% my fault and 25% hers, but I'm sure many would give it a much less favorable slant, from the empirical perspective

  I

  know there are good women out there, some of whom I've had the honor of meeting thanks to this board. But as far as relationships go, it's clear that I can't identify a suitable partner. I was supposed to be alone, so that this couldn't happen. I was reckless

  .
  

  I usually want to believe that there is good in people. Idealism--same deal. Even as a JW, I still believed humanity was capable of great things if they just united. Maybe that's still true. But I guess...when it translates into a relationship, it can be a way of tricking myself about the other person. I don't know. Any of that make sense?
  

  Your whole post makes sense.... you will be OK because first of all ,as the above quotes shows your ability to "self-reflect " .

  I see that although you have suffered yourself at the hands of others you have not become bitter

  I usually want to believe that there is good in people

  You are not assigning great blame to others... you realize the only person you can control or change is yourself !

  Here are some good pieces of advice to consider .. Time dozen’t heal all wounds.
  It takes time. The old adage, “Time heals all wounds” is only partly true. Time does heal some wounds, but many wounds from an unwanted divorce will never heal. However, time does lessen the sting, and with time, the flood of memories and regrets will happen less and less often. You will one day appreciate the pain for what it was…an opportunity to learn and grow
  You are worthy of love.
  When a spouse files for divorce, your self-esteem can take a beating. Some report feeling worthless or unlovable. Just because you are not able to make the relationship work with that one person dozen’t mean you can’t move on and find a loving relationship. The divorce may have had much more to do with your spouse and his/her issues than being about you. Don’t blame yourself. Self-criticism only makes it harder. This is the time to be good to yourself, not beat yourself up.Cultivate positive friendships.
  Evaluate current friendships and make new ones. Many recently divorced people are surprised to get a cold shoulder from some of their friends. If they were mutual friends with your ex-spouse, they may be more loyal to him or her than you. It is likely, though; that you have some true friends you can reach out to at this time. Make new friends by asking someone to lunch or to a movie. You need friendships to support you through this transition.
  Remember who you were before the bad relationship.
  Remember the past. No, I don’t mean the past relationship. Reach back in your memory to your life before that relationship. What were your hopes and dreams? Were there places you wanted to go or new things you wanted to try? This is a perfect time to take that writing workshop, art class, or other activities that interests you. Maybe you want to go back to school. You have to make a new life for yourself and it should be self-nurturing.
  Take time to grieve.
  Give yourself time to grieve. Take down old picture albums of the marriage, play “your” songs. Have a good cry. Cry deeply and then let it go. Give yourself a time limit on your grief, and then make a pact with yourself that you won’t let yourself dwell on the negative feelings any longer. Having a daily pity party is good in the beginning of your adjustment period, but you need to set a limit on it.
  Get re–acquainted with yourself.
  Get to know yourself again. When you’ve been part of a couple, chances are many of the choices made in the relationship, such as where to eat or where to go on vacation, were not your choices but your spouses. You may not know what you really like anymore. Try new things and learn what makes YOU happy. You now have the freedom to explore yourself and you may be surprised to learn that you are a very interesting person!
  Explore all of your options.
  Use this experience as a catalyst for your new life. Sometimes a traumatic experience can serve to move us out of a rut we’ve been in with our lives. Have you been stuck in a career that did’t fulfill you? Now may be the perfect time to look at other options. Start your life over beginning today, and realize all the opportunities that are available to you.
  Celebrate being single.
  Celebrate living single. There are many “die-hard singles” who really enjoy living alone. Even if they are in a relationship, there are advantages to being single. You don’t have to share a bathroom. You can stay up late without disturbing anyone. You can cook what you like to eat. You can spend your money the way YOU want to. You can’t change being single now, even if you didn’t plan it, but find ways to enjoy it. Some solitude can be good for all of us as a time of reflection and reorganization of priorities.Take your time when it comes to new relationships.
  http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/lovethenexttimearound/ht/unwanted_div.htm
  Look at the 5 stages of greiving... for surely divorce is great loss also

  Make sure you pay attention to your emotional needs.
  Keep yourself physically fit.
  Do things that will nurtue you emotionally and phsycially
  Let go of problems that are beyond your control.
  Give yourself permission to feel.
  Change any expectations you have.
  Don't make any hasty decisions
  Be sure to make time for fun
  http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/copingduringdivorce/tp/tips_stress.htm
• 

  zoiks

  sd-7, you will have a PM.
• 

  jamiebowers

  Imagine a weight lifter. Do you suppose he feels strong while he is lifting a heavy, unwieldy weight? I never did when I used to lift weights. It's only after lots of repetitions do you feel strong. You're lifting a weight that's way too heavy for you alone. Go to therapy, stay as busy as possible, and keep your friends, (among whom I feel priviledged to be), close.
• 

  tec

  If a person hears enough times that it is their fault, that they didn't do enough, that they aren't enough... then that is going to sink into them and they are going to believe it. This is emotional/verbal abuse, and this is what I hear from you. I recognize it, because I've been there and thought that and experienced it as well. It is not easy to move past it and to see yourself clearly.

  You, however, sound as if you're on the right track. You know you need to get to know yourself. You want to get back into therapy to help you do this. Perhaps you can't hear right now, that you need to forgive yourself as well... but you do. Even if you messed up worse than anyone in the relationship (and it didn't sound that way, but so what?)... EVEN IF... you must still forgive yourself. We all mess up in uncountable ways. Its part of learning. Part of growing.

  I have let guilt eat me up too. The best escape is to forgive yourself, and you absolutely should, SD-7. Sometimes I ask myself this question to help put things in perspective: "Would I forgive someone else for what I did?" If the answer is yes, then you know you should be make peace with yourself as well.

  WE have to be good to ourselves too, SD-7.

  The pain, I can tell you, will lessen. You'll even want to love again, and once you want to, you'll be able to. So for now, in regard to that part of it at least, rely on those who have had their hearts crushed, and yet learned to love and find happiness again... more often even better than they had with the one who crushed their heart.

  Tammy
• 

  transhuman68

  Find a stray cat and give it some milk. That's always good.
• 

  sherah

  Hugs to you SD-7. You have grown emotionally during your time on JWN, keep venting.

  Edited for grammar.
• 

  yourmomma

  sd-7, i've read everyone of your posts from beginning to end and the first thing i will say is this has turned out so much better than i thought it would. now it may be impossible for you to see that, but from an outside vantage point to see that you have made it out of this without killing yourself and standing up for yourself and seeking therapy is about as good as can be expected.

  the most important advice i can give you is go to therapy and support groups. the next year will probably be hard, but eventually you will find yourself.

  you did nothing wrong to your wife, NOTHING. again, i know its impossible for you to see it that way, but in time you may realize just how abused YOU were and you did NOTHING wrong and are a great guy.

  just the fact that you ended what was a deathly toxic marriage, and are willing to go to treatment is the biggest win i think could have come out of this.

  good luck and please keep us posted
• 

  still thinking

  It takes two people to make a bad relationship. No one can do that on their own.

  I have been through a divorce and had a lot of guilt for a long time as it was me that instigated the proceedings. However, I no longer take full responsibilty for ending the marriage. We were both responsible for that. We were both unhealthy in our own ways.

  My advise, if its worth anything, is seek professional help. It does work. If you don't find someone you feel comfortable talking to the first time just keep looking. Just like we don't get on with everyone in this world, the same applies to therapists. Find one you like and can build trust in.
• 

  GLTirebiter

  Since I'm obviously ill-equipped for normal life, it's clear I'll be heading back to therapy soon. If you've got any good advice, however, I will actually try to listen for once. I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to avoid any irrational decisions (ie. women, suicide, alcoholism, etc.).

  Christopher, add my voice to the chorus: talk to a counselor. You've been through a lot the last few years. Don't put all the blame, or even most of the blame on yourself. It's a partnership, where both parties should work for its success. But remember what you said last summer in your "Avatar" thread:

  She made it clear that this was all conditional love on her part, she was expecting a JW husband, though she acquired said husband via breaking JW rules and sweeping it under the rug, then selling said husband up the river to save her own skin. I loved her as a person, beyond the religion, beyond anything else. I find it tragic that that love is a one-way street because of this cult.

  That is an important piece of the story. Of course you didn't do things perfectly, but perfection is found only in hindsight. You did the best you could at the time when you were in a no-win situation, and you were honest with her and yourself even when the truth was painful, so please forgive yourself for not being perfect. You've been trying to hold things together for a long time with little cooperation. Allow me to paraphrase your own words from that thread, because they apply equally well both ways:

  SheYoudeserves better than a life of sorrow with meher. IShefailed heryou, dishonored heryou, betrayed heryou.

  You've shown strength and character through this trial. Don't sell yourself short, and don't give up on yourself.
• 

  Satanus

  Didn't read all of it, but

  ' I was overwhelmed by sadness and my inability to forgive and trust her after her turning me in to the elders. Once trust was destroyed, it was over. '

  That's a deal breaker, imo. She might as well have had an affair w those elders, and their god.

  S