Not "Rocking the Boat"

by What Now? 21 Replies latest jw friends

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  What Now?

  These thoughts were inspired by a comment made on my very first post, in which I mentioned that while my husband and I have had our eyes opened regarding this religion we’re not ready to give up the friends and family just yet. Tenyearsafter replied that “if you want to maintain your family and friends, you will need to fade gradually and not "rock the boat". As you see your eyes opening more and more, this can be difficult...but don't be confrontational unless you are prepared to be shut out by family and friends”.

  “Not rocking the boat” is not just difficult. It’s messing with my sanity.

  Sometimes I just want to grab my family and friends by the shoulders and shake some sense into them. I want to beg them to read Crisis of Conscience and In Search of Christian Freedom, or get on the internet and do some REAL research. I find myself having to bite my tongue all the time so that I won’t say something that could get me into trouble. When my mom complains about having to spend time with our “worldly” family, I feel like saying “well why don’t you just tell them that you believe that very shortly they’re going to die a violent and everlasting death, and that way you’ll NEVER have to see them again!”. We’ve actually gotten up and left in the middle of a meeting because we just couldn’t take it anymore. But for the sake of “not rocking the boat”, we still attend (nearly) every one. I don’t comment any more though, except to read a scripture. We put in our 8 hours of field service every month, but my presentations are limited to “Did you know that Jehovah’s Witnesses offer free home bible studies? Oh, you’re not interested? Ok, have a nice day”.

  I feel trapped. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel like I’m being selfish for not wanting to give up the social life we have within the congregation.

  How do YOU deal with it?
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  LostGeneration

  Eventually you will tire of the relationships you have in the hall and it will be easier to let them go. You can only listen to "what a great assembly that was, the best ever" and "we really need Armageddon to come, this world is so bad" for so long before your eyes noticably roll into the back of your head, and some JW catches you.

  Right now, you are going throught the idea of losing long time friends simply because of difference of opinion about religion. Some who are skilled are able to slowly wake up those around them and are the last ones out of the cult. Have you read either of Hassan's books? Most of us just have to leave to maintain our sanity, and allow others to find their way out if they want to in time.

  I would suggest cutting back on the meetings immediately, that will help you maintain a bit of sanity.
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  Dagney

  Welcome What Now!

  You will have to decide what is most important to you. Is keeping your family and friends the most important? There is no guarantee that will happen as you start to pull away. But a well plotted fade has had a measure of success for some here. The unknown will be the reaction of your family and friends...and you have no control over that. A few JW's have chosen to remain friends in my life, but I know at any moment they can change. I have family that shunned me for years, and now have decided to keep communication open. Who knows? But coming at them assertively with your new found truth about the "troof" will likely send them running.

  Is getting on with a happy and free life for you and your family most important? Then focusing on that should be most important to you.

  My best advice is "to thine own self be true." I couldn't take the dumbing down of the meetings and literature anymore. So even though the decision to leave everything I knew behind was the hardes thing ever, the work was worth it in the end. A new, free life is worth everything.

  Wishing all the best in your journey.
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  nugget

  You will find your viewpoint will change over time. We started out at a similar point wanting to maintain relationships and not wanting to draw attention to ourselves. As time progressed we found that we couldn't in all honesty commit time to field service or meetings since both made us so angry. Once you wake up to the underlying corruption it is mentally exhausting to do anything else. We made a concious decision to stop attending meetings, service and conventions and the relief was immense.

  What we found was the absence of guilt and stress, the chance to spend time together as a family and a freedom to think.

  We came to realise that we have to take responsibility for our choices but that we can't worry about the choices others make. In the end it was more harmful to our family to try to force our children into the watchtower mould and although they would loose relatives and friends they would have the opportunity to make real lasting relationships and grow as thinking caring people.

  The watchtower is cunning since it holds relatives and friends hostage there is no shame in trying to keep hold of them but a some point you may have to let them go. Some have managed a successful fade and you may too it all depends on how prominent you were and whether your husband held a position of oversight. My husband was a popular elder and as a result we would never be allowed to fade away but that is not to say I am unhappy with how things turned out.
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  DesirousOfChange

  You can only listen to "what a great assembly that was, the best ever" and "we really need Armageddon to come, this world is so bad" for so long......

  OMG! Just had that happen for the 1st time this week. And...........it was from one of our Bible Studies (converts)! At the same time, he said, he doesn't like to get "too close" to worldly famly since realizing they are soon to all be destroyed at Armageddon.

  I about choked on my beer.
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  LostGeneration

  DesirousOfChange : It really does become intolerable after a while. They spout off with "the truth" or "new light" or any number of JWisms and you have to literally bite your tongue. I did that for a while, but once my tongue started bleeding I couldn't hold it in any more. Like Jeremiah "it was a fire burning in my bones" LOL.

  They are toxic to your mental health in the long run, you have to eliminate them from your life.
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  Nobleheart

  I think most people here can relate to what you are experiencing now. Some still keep up appearences for the sake of family and/or friends.

  You have already mentioned a number of things which can make you feel better: missing an occasional meeting or two, doing the basic minimum in service, avoiding questionable doctrine (at least you aren't getting others involved), commenting by reading scriptures only, etc.

  I've done all those things when I first started in my journey outside the org., and they are indeed helpful.

  However, after some time you get tired of putting on a show anytime you step inside the KH. The atmosphere there can be suffocating for someone who knows what the WT is all about, and you desperately feel like being true to yourself and what you know is right. Basically the inner voice of your conscience that cannot be ignored.

  That stage is stressful and whether you like it or not (I know how hard it is!), you've got to make a decision. If you can help it, don't rush to present all possible evidence about the org to family members. Many posters here (myself included) have experienced that to be a very counterproductive approach.

  I wish you success in your efforts.
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  OnTheWayOut

  we’re not ready to give up the friends and family just yet

  I wish I had an answer on how to help others. I want to shake that sense into them, too. I tried some with the wife and mother to no avail.

  What has to happen is that you "get ready." You can try to salvage something. Sometimes, family will let you slide out of the Kingdom Hall, some family will even keep contact with DF'ed ones. But not all.

  Everyone has to find their own path on this. I had to put personal sanity, freedom first. I had to get the hell out of the Kingdom Hall. I faded fast. From the time I first "googled" Jehovah's Witnesses and fearlessly clicked on those links to the time of my last meeting was about 1 year. At the beginning of that year, I was an elder giving parts in the meetings and visiting halls to give talks. Along the way, I had to cut back and blow off recruiting and resign as an elder and cut back on meetings.

  You "still attend (nearly) every one." So, when you are ready, you have to change.

  Still wish I could help with the others. You can try, but sometimes it makes maintaining relationships worse. I tried to maintain one friendship and it hasn't gone well. I simply gave up the "friends" who were not relatives. Too much fence-sitting to even give that a try. Besides, our lives are too different to be friends.
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  LV101

  i totally can relate about grabbing them and shaking some sense into them. i've opened my mouth enough, believe me, (even to the clergy class), so i'm lying low and going to la la land. talk about learning self-control --- it's enough to suffocate one. this is communism and after being raised in a totalitarian home i hate this!!! i wish i had the energy/time just to go to the meetings and deal with them from a different angle to work at getting them out, but I CAN'T! to top it off even one of my friends has returned to the meetings after visiting many churches and at the time seemed to talk positively about them but she's had mental slippage (or is just plain braindead), and tells me she enjoys the public talk and since it's only 30 min. it's so convenient for her. she doesn't stay for the watchtower because of her hectic schedule. i really think one of her ole buddies who she has a lot in common with is associating w/her again and she can't let her go and her ole-married friends like me don't have time to hang with her. SHE'S LONELY and i feel so bad. i just want her to be happy.

  the saga continues --- i'm trying to live and let live and ACCEPT. what a challenge.
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  jgnat

  • Skip the odd meeting. Keep it random.
  • Bring a blank notebook and write whatever you want. Grocery list, places you would like to holiday, etc., etc.
  • Practice Steve Hassan's method of conversing with the "natural" personality rather than the "cult" personality (i.e. hobbies, sports, interests, weather) www.freedomofmind.org
  • "Speak the truth in love", mildly, always in self-control. Bring up neighbourly love and all sorts of other Christian admonitions to counter the stupidity. This can twist Witnesses in knots.
  • Keep the goal in mind. You are not trapped!