my son's poem

lauralisa

My son is fifteen years old. He is a portrait of conflict. He has a lot of weird, definition-avoidant neurological problems (ADHD, OCD, latent tourettes syndrome.... "those" kinds of things. The kind of things that the AWAKE (KIRAP) mags encourage serious "discipline" for). His father, a serious scientist, never bought into the jw doctrine, and ejected me from the family unit when this son was just eight years old. His brother is twelve, and is so normal that it's boring. (Not really.)

Despite his father's efforts to shield them, I managed to inculcate him and his younger brother in the mindset that the WTBTS promulgates for over a decade. I was consistent in that, if not other things, until he was thirteen. (I broke apart mentally when he was five, but that's another story.)

I stopped indoctrinating my children in the borg mindset over a year ago, when I realized that it was a cult and was killing me and just about everyone else who was associated with it. My sons are trying to readjust their thinking in terms of why the world is so screwed up.... it was such a convenient explanation before.... satan was ruining things, Jehovah would kick his butt in due time, etc. etc. They are still confused. Of course they are!

My heart is breaking. All I want is to provide my children with a safe environment within which they can find a path and thrive. This is tough to achieve, however. All people, especially children, want explanations for things: who, what, when, where, why. Especially WHY.

His most recent report card: All D+'s, except for two A's. He is making a statement.

His most recent poem (an english assignment):

I am a spirit. A life varnished in blood.
I wonder if I truly exist.
I hear the tormented ones and the fear of the hunted.
I see the sadness that no one else sees.
I want help but there is none that I can reach.

I am a spirit. A life varnished in blood.
I pretend my problems are inexistent.
I feel the tears I cry for others.
I touch the very spirit of all and nothing.
I worry that I'll die worthless.

I cry for my mother.
Her trauma is her spine.

I am a spirit. A life varnished in blood.

I understand that no one can tell if they exist or not.
I say what I feel in my heart though few listen.
I dream of my family being whole again.
I try to strengthen my heart.
I hope for my angst to fall away from me.

I am a spirit. A life varnished in blood.

Thank you to any who read this and think about it for a few seconds. I am realistic and know that only a mere few, if that, will even respond. Regardless, I can still publish it here on an international data board, and some will read it, and somewhere, somehow, these words will be registered somewhere, somehow. My howling moans of grief and regret are registered. My son's words are powerful. My son's words are important.

Drama-moi, lauralisa

bigfloppydog

A very touching poem from your son, and you are right very powerful are his words, thank you for sharing it with us. Hugs and Kisses to you all.

WindRider

Yes, LauraLisa, your son's words are important and so is he.
I empathize with what you are going through and what he is going through. I often wrote poetry growing up; still do and it helped. I would encourage your son to continue opening up through his written words and continue to cherish him.

Difficult as your son's poem was to read, I could really feel his conflict and pain, it was well-written and hopefully gave him an outlet for coping.

Sincerely, Windrider

belbab

dear lauralisa and son,

Your poem has reached as far as me, the poem says:

I want help but there is none that I can reach.

I know that you yourself, with the posting your sons poem, are endeavouring to reach out for him, a cry for someone out there to see and understand and empathize. Perhaps you and your son feel there is no help you can reach. Perhaps some of us here can reach out to you, perhaps our arms may reach out and close the gap together.

I am reaching out to you and to your son with this post, they are only a few words, but may they be like fingers that reach across the dark emptiness and give you both a tingle of encouragement.

Please keep us informed, either on this board or through e-mail.

your friend, belbab

mommy

(((((Lauralisa))))))
I can tell you not to regret the way you chose to raise him, but you probably will continue to do so. There is no benefit to dwell on the decisions we have made, it will not change the outcome. The only way to start tomorrow afresh is to keep talking to your son, remain open with him and allow him to come to you. His ability to put his feelings into words is a great asset. I would encourage it. Take that poem apart with him piece by piece. There seems like he wants to say so much more, and I know that you are the type of mom who will give him some great advice.

All I want is to provide my children with a safe environment within which they can find a path and thrive. This is tough to achieve, however. All people, especially children, want explanations for things: who, what, when, where, why. Especially WHY.

Recently I was going through some very rough times. I even reached out for support, which is so not like me! lol I would say for about 2-3 weeks I was very depressed, and the question "WHY" kept going through my mind. I wanted to know why I was having such a rough time. I wanted to know why my children had to do without. I wanted to know why this was happening to me. It was so frustrating and I could not get out of that cycle. I was so wrapped up with wondering why it had even occured that I was not concentrating on getting out.

One day, I decided it does not matter "Why" and this is the day the light turned on at the end of the tunnel. I didn't care "why" the things were happening to me, or "why" I had such a string of bad luck. I was going to deal with what was happening no matter "why" it was happening. Things have improved 100% since that point, my attitude changed, when I made the decision to not worry about the "why." Several friends have stepped up and made my life much easier as well. But I can honestly say if they had not, I still would be "okay" I made a decision to change my attitude. This was the turning point. I was really suprised to see you post that in this thread. I was even thinking of making a seperate thread concerning this, that is how much it affected me.

I hope you know you can email me and we can chat anytime. I think you are doing a damn fine job with your boys. You care enough about them that you want them to be emotionally settled as well. I am sending alot of good vibes your way, it is contagious you know?
love,
wendy

When I leave, you will know I have been here

Dogpatch

Thanks LauraLisa,
Wishing the best for you and your family, and hugs, too!
Randy

teejay

Hello, LL,

Sorry to hear about your son.

Rearing him in "the truth" didn't do him a lot of good—he's the type of kid that would be "marked" bigtime and the elders would "keep their eye one him" if you were still JWs—but at least you're out now and there's hope. It's a wonder more JW kids don't get depressed at least by the time they hit their teens. It helps to explain the JW concept of a double life, anyway.

Have you thought of counseling?

Rhetorical question: What kind of relationship do YOU have with him? How about his dad or some other older male in your family? Is he very open to conversation? There's a ton of questions I could ask... don't mean to sound nosey... just concerned.

Peace,
tj

lauralisa

I want to sincerely thank each of you for responding to my ... moment.

bigfloppydog: your gesture of caring helped me.

Windrider: thank you. Your comments were soothing and helpful.

belbab: How perfectly incredibly wonderful was it to read the words you put down? I am keeping it close by for awhile. It was like a fresh-water spring materializing before my eyes when my need for water was so great I couldn't move anymore. Thank you from the whole of me. Your insight is startling.

Wendy: {{{{{Wendy}}}}} omg, I'm doing the hug thing, and I don't "do" the hug thing. You know this: there is no peace when your child is in need. Thank you for revealing yet another situation where your unfathomable optimism rises up and shows that the human spirit is a marvelous thing to behold.

I guess I learned how to articulate "shit happens" when I was a tiny child, and don't get too stuck in the why of things; it twists like a cord around my neck though to see my kids thrashing with anger and frustration - their having to reconfigure their thinking as to why the world is so weird - they feel betrayed by those who claimed to represent God and "truth", just like I do. If I regret anything, it's that I didn't find out about the foul global cluster-fuck that IS the WTBTS earlier. You take care of yourself and your bundles, and I crave more time to spend with you.

Dogpatch: Thank you... Words from you mean a great deal to me. You Rock...

teejay! hey, friend. Well, I could write a book here. He's in counseling, of course. My son will be alright..... I WILL MAKE SURE OF IT. He's amazing, passionate, alive, all over the curve, and brilliant, and the long term goal is to get him to manage all of these very strong feelings cognitively. I'll write more to ya later. Thank you for your caring in the past, and now. You are a special person to me.

Who's not under a great deal of stress? (no hands are raised!) but caring gestures like what I've received here are like being rescued by a big strong fireman. Thank you all again.

much love, laura

Audrey

Hi Laura,

Thanks for posting your son's poem. I have started writing poetry for the 1st time in my life and have found it to be such a tremendous help in dealing with some very traumatic times lately.

My point is that it's wonderful your son utilizes this avenue of help and will go far in benefitting his therapy too. It did mine!

Good luck,
Audrey

GoldDustWoman

Lauralisa,

I am so very touched by this poem. I think it is because I can see myself in it. It literally brought tears to my eyes.

I hope your son continues to express himself in such a poignant way.

Andee

my son's poem

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