by RagingBull 29 Replies latest social relationships
Any experiences/advice on dating (moving on) after a separation or divorce from a JW?
I know that when (not IF) I leave the ORG, my wife will probably separate then divorce me (and we have 3 small children). I only know of horror stories when it comes to that type of scenario. Will I ever get married again? I doubt it. Yet, as a living, breathing MAN...I know I will want companionship. (and yeah, maybe even sex) LOL
I'm a little perturbed that you're not even separated yet and you're already thinking about sleeping with other people.
Believe it or not, it's your JW wife I feel sympathy for. Marriages can still last even if you leave the Witnesses. I find your approach pretty immature.
Buy a box of condoms.
Welcome to (potential) singlehood!
Believe it or not, it's your JW wife I feel sympathy for. Marriages can still last even if you leave the Witnesses. I find your approach pretty immature.
Well, I find his thoughts pretty human. It all depends on what he went through. And I think there's a big difference between thinking about something and doing it, despite all that Matthew 5:28, 29 stuff. If there's one thing I've learned, it's to be willing to think about the unthinkable.
I've experienced what life can be like leaving the JWs and still being married to one. Things can get pretty ugly at times. I can't speak for his situation, but with that kind of emotional distress--and possibly even emotionally abusive stuff that can happen--a man is far more vulnerable to tempting thoughts. It's just how we're built. It doesn't mean we can't resist those thoughts if we really want to, but it does mean those thoughts will show up. It'd be great if we could go through life blindfolded and not notice or think of any other woman at all but our mates. I'd prefer that world. But that's a struggle we have to deal with.
My advice is to do everything you can to save your marriage. If you really can't, then you really can't. After that, you need to build your own life and learn what you love to do and who you want to be. Be alone and pursue your life on your own for awhile and don't get too fixated on dating again anytime soon, if you end up divorced.
I went to a divorce support group about a month ago, and the person leading the group--an expert on divorce and divorce law--pointed out that dating is often just a distraction to keep you from dealing with your own issues. It's best to keep such distractions out until you are more centered. Otherwise, you could end up making lots of mistakes that could otherwise be avoided.
I'll avoid discussing my situation in detail, though, since I don't want to derail this thread. But I hope you'll consider my words and get to know yourself alone first and foremost before anything else.
--sd-7
Sorry to offend you Faundy. That was not my intent. SEX is not my goal. (note I said ...maybe even sex) I mentioned it after companionship because when members of the opposite sex get along well that can become a bridge that is crossed.
I feel sympathy for my wife too. She is a hardcore JW. Some of her comments at meetings put to shame those of many of our elders. I told her that if she were a guy...she would no doubt be an elder right now.
Thank you Faundy for thinking that marriages can still last once a person leaves the Witnesses. Maybe things are different there in the UK. Here, in the USA...where I'm from (my area or Circuit...) when persons leave there's usually separation. See, here...elders will question your spouse as to what YOU think or feel about the organization. If they feel it is necessary, they will say that separation is exceptable if they feel the person is in "spirital danger". My wife, being the good rank and file member she is would most likey object to anything you or anyone else here has to say. She considers "apostates" children of SATAN. She considers them the "EVIL SLAVE" talked about in Matthew 24.
I tried to be subtle at first to feel her out. I showed her some of the JW/Pedophile videos from Youtube (NBC and BBC's newsclips) and the SilentLambs website. This is what she did...TRUE STORY; 1. She copied the links and emailed them to an Elder in our cong. and my dad who is a Congregation Overseer. 2. after that was done, we visited my parents and lead the conversation so that my father could ask me about the sites.
She saw the links and the Silent Lambs site. (note...my dad is a Congregation Overseer/used to be called Presiding Overseer) This is what her thinking is - "The organization is NOT full of perfect people and we all make mistakes. Some people view the society's protection as overbearing but they are looking out for our best interest. Even if a brother was a pedophile, that's not for everyone to know. That is between the elders and that person. They would counsel that brother in private if they felt they were getting too close to a child in the congregation. If a brother confessed to the elders they don't have to give that privileged information to the authorities because of clergy privileges. If they did then no one would go to the brothers to get right with Jehovah after they've sinned." This is coming from a mother of 3 mind you.
In the END...she and my father felt "You can't believe all of these things on the internet, that's why the Governing Body is constantly telling us to watch what we view and who we listen to because they're just people who feel they were wronged and they want to bring everone down with them. The organization is what Jehovah is using to get spread his word. The real question is DO YOU FEEL that JEHOVAH is using THIS organization? Or do you think his spirit is no longer with it?" between the two of them, THIS is what I was faced with. I only answered with "I don't mean to get you emotional, but I do as the Society said...research and keep proving my faith to myself."
I'm glad you think my marriage will still be in tact once I leave. I'd hate to have my sister (A non-JW Lawyer) represent me in court at a divorce/child-custody hearing.
Thanks sd-7, that's good advice.
Hey, what about me? My advice was practical!!!!
Hey RB, you haven't particularly offended me; I probably just misinterpreted your post. I read it as someone who, despite having three young children, saw leaving the Witnesses as an 'out' of his whole marriage. And I don't think leaving the organization and leaving a marriage are the same thing.
That said, I also know how hard it is to a) live with a hardcore Witness in the family and b) live with an 'apostate.' I also appreciate that having different values and beliefs can break down a partnership, especially if the relationship was based on similar thoughts/values/beliefs in the first place. It seems you have done your best to try and convince her of what you have found but Witnesses are scared STIFF of apostasy, more though, I believe, than paedophilia, which sounds crazy but seems to be true.
I am only just starting to read COC and I've been out of the organization for five years. It takes a lot of time but some people may never see reason.
Good luck.
Faundy.
I did not find your first post offensive in the least. You were, in my mind, simply thinking ahead of all the what if's.
If you can save your marriage that of course would be preferable especially with small children. In that way you could continue to be close to your children and possibly teach them to be critical thinkers and possibly keep their association with the cult to a minimum. I know of of ubm who was going to stay in the marriage just so he could take care of the kids and keep the jw stuff to a minumum. He had planned on leaving once the last one turned 18. He was so dedicated to his kids he put up with much with the jw wife for their sake. Maybe things have changed since then but who knows?
Do all you can to protect your childrens well being, physical, mental/emotional and spiritual. Get all your ducks in a row now before things happen. Find out the laws re: your kids, custody, financial, etc... I am sure you don't want to hurt your wife any more than is necessary (you leaving the jw's will be considered the worst of it anyway) but your main responsibility is to your innocent children. Keep them safe even if it requires some hard choices re: the mom now. The wife has a choice, she can listen to the men from NY and local elders or she can keep her vow to you as a wife. The choice is hers. Do not let her tell you that YOU are the one destroying the family. Leaving an organization/corporation should not destroy any marriage, only in dubland..........
Hi RagingBull, I am sorry that you feel that your marriage may be in jeopardy. Have you read “Combatting Cult Mind Control” by Steve Hassan, Chapter 9 of “Getting the Love you Want – A Guide for Couples’ by Harville Hendrix, or other threads on the JWN about spouses trying to free the mind of their loved ones (www.jehovahs-witness.net/members/private/206294/1/Progress-I-think-in-helping-my-wife-to-see-the-truth or www.jehovahs-witness.net/members/private/210510/1/Seeking-suggestions-on-reaching-my-wife)? If you are willing to put in the effort, you might be able to free your wife’s mind in several years, or sooner. It sounds like you will have to spend a lot of time rebuilding your wife’s trust in your judgement. Praying with your wife and reading the Bible together might help you rebuild your wife’s trust. I know that will be difficult to convince your wife to read non-WTBTS literature, because of what the WTBTS has written. You could openly read the Steve Hassan’s book, and hope that your wife may make a comment about it. I would reply that you are doing research about cult mind control and the WTBTS does not have respected literature about the subject encase you talk with people who are moonies or Karishna’s. It is just some thoughts.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
ABibleStudent
