Dating after Divorcing a JW...

by RagingBull 29 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Morbidzbaby

  I'm just going to echo the sentiments of others who have posted before me. Give it TIME, get to know yourself and who you are, learn to be happy on your own before you decide to share that happiness with someone else. Don't depend on finding a companion to make you happy. I waited 2 years before getting into a serious relationship. I dated casually (very casually), but nothing serious. I'm glad I waited, even though at times it was hard because I really was lonely. But I had some things to work on. I like to think that I wasn't ready yet for my bf, just like he wasn't ready yet for me.

  So wait it out, do some healing, and take it slowly.
• 

  JRK

  From my experience, you are screwed on a number of levels.

  Normal people will not be able to relate to your experience. I told the first woman that I entered a serious relationhip with after leaving the JW's, that it is almost as if I were raised Amish. She could not relate to the strange differences.

  One was politics. She was appauled that I had viewpoints that were strong, and had never voted. She could not believe that JW's couldn't vote. There were others but that is the first to come to mind.

  JK
• 

  flipper

  RAGING BULL- It can be a much more difficult road than you may be aware of my friend. I got divorced from my JW wife back in 1998 and my children were early teens and puberty. It's not easy. Remember our children may tend to blame themselves for our marital break-ups even though it is NOT their fault at all ! Children typically feel that because they are scared and confused on why mom & dad are divorcing. To them since they love BOTH of you - it's easier to blame themselves so they bury their negative feelings towards parents. But it's NOT healthy for them . Many times children and parents need professional counseling to get through it. It isn't a bowl of cherries- believe me.

  A main priority for you and your wife as parents would be to stay close to your children through the breakup, let them know how much you love them, and convince them it is NOT their fault , and that BOTH set of parents will be there for them. Unfortunately children take the worst brunt of a divorce.

  I waited a year before dating again after my divorce from my kids mom. Looking back , I should have waited longer. I advise anyone not to reintroduce a new boyfriend or girlfriend to one's children until some time after a divorce is final. If you do it too early it builds resentment in your children, not only towards you, but towards a new girlfriend. These aren't hard and fast rules mind you - I'm just speaking from experience from years ago in the school of hard knocks. Back then when my kids were teenagers I got involved with a lady who ended up being rather selfish and favored her two kids over mine. We tried to blend families and it was a disaster. Ended up getting divorced in just over a year. So a person has to be very careful about rebound relationships. Ask yourself : " Am I just settling on anybody because I'm lonely ? Or have I dated a number of women to find the right one before committing long term once again ? " Those are questions I should have asked myself back then.

  Now that my kids are all in their 20's they are married or in long term relationships too. I met my current wife 0ver 5 years ago on E-Harmony.com and I highly recommend that dating site. Matches you up on 29 points of common ground. And I was more settled in life when I met Mrs. Flipper. So- Just a few tips and lessons I have learned - for what it's worth. Good luck to you, love your kids and make them your first priority. You will find love again , but be smart and find someone you REALLY connect with ! Take care, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
• 

  monophonic

  from my experience, get out of the marriage, lawyer up to get custody of the kids, and hopefully they're old enough to see the absurdity of jws.

  i disagree with people who are offended by your question, you have every right to think about this. i left the jws in 1999 and stayed a faithful, caring, supportive husband until my jw wife cheated on me in 2008 b/c i wrote a novel that became a love story based in the jws and she had been messing around with 'worldly' dudes for a while and pulled the ...oh, my husband is an apostate.... card to get out of getting in trouble for effing around on me.

  i'm not sure how old you are, but my ex left when i turned 38. i thought my life as a single dude would be over and lonely.

  far from it. i live in san francisco, so being in an ubran area makes getting dates A LOT easier. women are majorly attracted to men who have been in long term relationships....kids or not.

  i have friends who have never been jws who have major dating success in their 40s with children.

  dating now is better than it would have been in my teens/20s. most of the women i've dated are at least a decade younger than me and smart and beautiful and absolutely amazing.

  it kind of helps that i'm a published author.

  if you're having any problems getting dates, then look to yourself to improve who you are as a person. do yoga, exercise, indulge in your dreams and pursue them vigorously without even thinking of dating. you'll find women will come to you with the same passions you develop and intimacy is far greater than just screwing around.

  though screwing around is fun, but something i've learned to just get out of my system and move on to only having intimacy with women who i've connected with on other levels.

  make lots of non-jw friends, dudes and ladies....enjoy their company and how great they are...it's amazing the wonderful people i've met outside jws and after the awful divorce that my ex tried to use to sabotage my novel release and get away with cheating on me. there are awesome people on the earth, most are not jws or have any affiliation.

  i'm dating someone now who grew up in the church of the nazarene. she's wonderful. we're taking things slow (not sexually, we connect more than i've ever connected sexually with anyone in my life).....i'm saying jws are not unique, there are other people out there, comrads, lovers, waiting for an excellent man or woman who has had to divorce b/c of being a jw.

  the best years of my life as a single person have been after my divorce.

  the novel that 'ended it all': confessions of a teenage jesus jerk.

  actually, it restarted my life now that it's published. :)
• 

  metatron

  Remember one quality in a mate that is non-negotiable: Appreciation and gratitude.

  If a woman (or man) lacks that, dump them immediately and never look back. It is vital to avoid a life of unhappiness and frustration.

  metatron
• 

  Found Sheep

  I understand the fear of being alone. In JW world it's like your used goods if you are divorced. In the real world your a single available man. I don't have much advice except to not feel the guilt JW's put on you and get a lawyer JW's are ruthless when it comes to kids and dvorce. Best of luck!
• 

  oompa

  probably a good idea to not date while separated....also avoid close relationships with married women, dating them, or falling in love with them....just a thought

  as far as divorce itself in your/my situation....so much is just so unfair....no matter how many pieces of the puzzle seem to fit....no matter how much you want to make it work....i keep asking myself how it ever can when all of her old friends and mine just pretend i am dead....so that means totally separate social lives....and things will will happen in that situation most of the time..........oompa
• 

  RagingBull

  I had been away for a few days and hadn't seen the rest of these cool comments. Thanks for your support.

  I guess the unique part about my situation is that most of my (real friends) and relatives are NOT JWs so....I may have it better than most when the time is right. My ultimate goal is to not appear to be an EVIL APOSTATE so I've stopped making comments or laughing to my self at "buzzwords" at meetings and so forth. I'm just going with the flow for now, shutting my mouth and at the same time trying to get things in order. I'm on the "Aftermath" chapter of CoC. Having to read it in secret is a pain, but still its one of the best books I've ever read. No wonder the SOCIETY doesn't want members reading it!...EVERYONE WOULD LEEEEEAVE! What's funny is many JWs would be appauled if you told them that you put the Bible before WT literature. That you put Christ above the GB. If/when I'm fired from being a JW...I will not fear shunning. How funny would it be if there was a "SHUN JWs DAY". maybe someone on Facebook will start that. LOL JWs at their jobs being ignored by all of their co-workers is a funny thought.
• 

  Broken Promises

  How funny would it be if there was a "SHUN JWs DAY". maybe someone on Facebook will start that. LOL JWs at their jobs being ignored by all of their co-workers is a funny thought.

  I love it!!
• 

  ultrabimbo

  Hi Raging Bull:

  I am glad that you have come to know a little, or more than a little about the truth about "the truth", but

  I am not happy that you will have to experience the pain that this will cause you in your marriage and in

  your relationships with your kids. I submitted my resignation from the congregation in July '06 based on

  my understanding of the societies stand and policies on child molestation within the congregations and thier

  illicit relationship with the U.N. and the last 5 years have been a mixed bag of increased understanding of

  who Jehovah and Jesus are of the pain and suffering that is experienced when one person sees the

  flaws of the WTBTS and the other does not. My wife and I had been married for 27 years when she decided

  to seperate from me based on the feeling that I was a definite threat to her spirituality. I can only surmise

  that this was the info she recieved at the meetings and from the magazines and from advice from the "brothers".

  We were able to keep our relatinship alive for about 5 years but in the end the humiliation that she suffered

  being married to an "apostate" was too much for her to bare. Don't jump to conclusion though, I have read

  many accounts on this board and others that have shown that this is not always how it turns out. Sometimes

  the mate who is still "in the truth" will start to question things and eventually thier feelings on the matter will

  soften to one degree or another. Don't jump to any conclusions. Your situation may very well be different than

  mine and the outcome could be quite different as well. If you still love your wife it is worth the effort. Wish you

  well in whatever path you choose but I hope things go well for you. I hope this will not cause you to lose your

  faith though as it does to many.

  Frank