I talked the first time in 20 years to a non-JW and need a divorce...

by Intel 55 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Morbidzbaby

  Intel, first let me say I'm truly sorry that you're going through this. Having a young child involved in the situation makes it that much more difficult.

  Secondly, I will say that I am very happy for you that you have broken free of the mind control. If you yourself aren't completely free yet, at least you are in your mind and that is a powerful thing!

  I've gone through the same...I didn't DA, wasn't DF'ed, but I faded. Once my ex found out I didn't want "The Truth", he decided I was a "spiritual danger" and had to go. He had family and fellow JW's agree to swear in a court of law that I was abusive ("abusive" in a JW's mind could be something as ridiculous as a parent not giving a child a bible study or praying with them, refusing to care for their "spiritual needs" translated into neglect). Armed with this testimony, he came to me and told me he had a huge amount of evidence against me and people willing to call Child Welfare and testify that I was abusing my kids. His family threatened me that they would make sure everyone in the area "knew what I was" and that I'd never make it on my own because no one would give me a job once they were done. And staying in my home was not an option because my ex was trying to find some sort of grounds to have me arrested or physically removed from the house. All he had to say was that he feared for himself and my children. I was a stay-at-home mom, didn't have access to our bank account. I didn't have a penny to my name.

  That's not the entirety of it, but I try not to post TOO much detail as I'm still lying low for the time being. But know you're not alone. I wish I had the Child Custody packet back then. I have a PDF of it now, if you would like me to email it to you. I wish I had the money for a lawyer then. I wish I had the time to get more information at that time. So many things I'd do differently. Now my children are half a world away, I only get to speak to them a couple of times a month (after not being able to AT ALL because of my ex's lies), and he has another wife who is raising MY BABIES. What I'm trying to say is DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Prepare yourself, even if you think you will stay together! Make sure you always have a backup, a contingency plan. Give yourself an out and make SURE you can remain in contact with your precious little girl. As she gets older in this cult, she will need her daddy.

  Take care, and please feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to talk further.
• 

  GLTirebiter

  Welcome, Intel!

  When I was first trying to figure out what the Watchtower meant to my family and marriage, google led me to the marriage articles at freeminds.org. Please see these, if you haven't already.

  It's a difficult choice you face. Consider what is better for your daughter: trying to stick it out (growing up with conflict and tension in the family), or leaving your wife (with all the issues of divorce and a young child). I can't say which is better.

  In my case, I stuck it out as long as I could--meaning until I was served with the divorce papers. I don't know if that was the best choice, but it was the best I could do at the time. And that's what should guide you, too: do what you think is best for your daughter, whatever that may be. She's the innocent one, the defenseless one, and that's why she comes first.

  I'll add that counseling is a good idea, especially if your wife will go too. This means an impartial, professional counseler of course--not the untrained elders who, however well-meaning they may be, sympathise with a Witness more than an "Apostate".

  So do the best you can, and know you are not alone.
• 

  jeckle

  Yes stand tall dude. And you got to get firm and tuff not meen but don't back down . Yes she will start crap but this is america and you got rights bro stay in you daughters life /joint custody or full.You can do it. I mean she's the kook in a kooky religion.thats all for now
• 

  sizemik

  Hi Intel

  There is little I can add as the friends here have pretty well covered things (as they do). The only thing I might add is to be very careful with regard to your mental health. When the pressures are extreme, we still feel that we can just "be strong" and work our way through it. Unfortunately we often don't know there is a problem before it's too late and we suffer a real break down.

  This happened to me and it has taken many years to repair the damage. I was always told I was a mentally strong person and the activities I engaged in as a young man lend support to that. But I later learned that those who are strong mentally often fall the hardest. Nobody is immune.

  Support from others is invaluable, that is certain. However it may be the course of wisdom to talk about your situation with an appropriate medical practitioner NOW. As JW's we are made to feel suspicious of this area of medicine. As of now, that should provide extra motivation to avail yourself of it, for this too is based on lies. It is your decision, as only you know your situation thoroughly, but do consider this aspect. Without keeping your mental health sound, the job becomes that much harder and dangerous for you personally. Believe me, prevention is far more desirable than having to seek a cure after the fact.

  All the best with everything.
• 

  AudeSapere

  You've been offered such good advice here already. However there are a few things that stand out in my mind:

  1. Keep coming back here. This place can be a soul-saver for you. A wealth of experience and information. You are not the first to have to go through this difficult situaiton and, sadly, you won't be the last.

  2. On page 1 you wrote:

  if Jehovah wants to kill me to do it RIGHT AWAY, to JUST PULL THE TRIGGER...he would do me a greater favor than menacing me for years with Armaggedon.

  I would re-think how you talk to your wife about spiritual things. Something like what is quoted above is almost psychotic and difficult for most people to address. Really, how do you think she *should* respond to something like that. I do not remember what your current belief system is, but I will guess that you do not really think a god named Jehovah is out to get you personally and plans to murder you himself. Nor do I think you really believe that Armageddon is looming with you as its primary target. So why taunt her with talk like this??

  Since she seems to be so deeply *in* one of these stances may be better: (a) agree to not talk about any spiritual/religious things; (b) have a weekly family study that only uses the bible - and maybe compare different versions/translations; (c) if she brings up your relationship with Jehovah, just politely let her know that you are confident and at peace with your relationship and standing before Jehovah. Exude that peace and smile when you say it. Let the confidence and peacefulness ooze out you.

  3. ABSOLUTELY find non-JW things to do with your daughter, with your wife, and by yourself.

  4. Don't abandon your daughter. Forget about the religious stuff. You are her dad. Period. Fight for access to her and make the time you spend together count. Do fun things. Do adventurous things. But don't leave her. Ever. It does permanent damage to a girl's self-esteem. Keep calm and be determined to not let ANYONE separate you from your child.

  5. If you want to see if there are witnesses near you, check the old postings on the home page for 'Apostafests'. You might find something there. Alternatively, you can send a private message to someone you trust here and ask them to create a new post there to suggest a 'get-together' in your area. When I travel, I often post to see who might be available to meet - even if just for coffee.

  Nice to have you back - whoever you were...~!

  -Aude.
• 

  jean-luc picard

  Hi Intel, and welcome to the board.

  It seems that you are emotionally worn out yourself.

  I would suggest that, first of all, you address that problem, in seeking professional help for you, and do that in secret.

  Then when you are stronger yourself, you can deal with the rest.

  A professional councellor will help you first, and then will be able to give you advice about how to deal with your wife, exiting the borg etc.

  Good luck, and remember, there IS a solution. You WILL feel better soon.
• 

  Aussie Oz

  Hi Intel

  i cant really add much to the great advice already posted.

  I do understand the suicidal feelings though. I once thought it was the way out. I am so glad i did not succeed.

  Far better to just 'disapear' for a while, even if it means no contact with your child for a time. A self exile to save your own life and gain some perspective on your life is far better than the permanant fix to a temporary problem.

  You have a lot of life left to live post JW, and you can make it a good one!

  all the best

  Oz
• 

  jamiebowers

  Aside from building a support system outside the borg, please do the following:

  1. Do not let your wife or any other jw make you feel unworthy of raising your daughter just because you know the truth about "the truth".

  2. Do not just leave the cult and hope your daughter someday asks you why you left. There will be plenty of opportunity to give honest, simple

  answers to her questions as she grows up. The odds are on your side that she will eventually leave as two-thirds of people who were raised

  as jw do.
• 

  EntirelyPossible

  I can't recommend divorce, golf, sex, drinking and making bucketloads of money to everyone, but it's worked pretty well so far for me.
• 

  Intel

  Dear friends,

  I just wanted to update you. I am doing better emotionally...(it's just that over the last weeks this has been "building up")

  The pressure that my relatives (and wife) put on me is too much....some of you think that maybe I have been to "mean or direct" with my wife. Some comments were just "snippets" of long winded conversations. Believe me, over the past five years

  I have tried all kinds of approachs (naturally preferably the "soft approach" like many have suggested. It's only that "you go soft" and "they hit you hard" trying to "rescue my lost soul".

  My wife said the other day that she will stick to this marriage only because she needs to "rescue me", so that Jehovah doesn't loose one of his own! I told her that sometimes I have the feeling that I am married to the Watchtower Society itself and that this feels like the STASI or something. I get menaced that I will be handed over to the elders....that is why I made that "cutting comment". Out of frustration with the circular thinking!

  One more point. I wrote what I wrote or came here to see different points of view, but I think that the biggest way of "moving on" is to just do WHATEVER I THINK is best! My new friends (non JW) are right: I have to stop worrying about what OTHERS think - this is what keeps me inside the Borg. So, I will go "cold turkey" on this....wasted five years trying to "convince" wife and relatives....only to get a shitstorm of "persecution" and problems (even at my workplace!)

  No, I will pick whatever advice I like and do something were I USED my OWN thinking. I like the idea though of "creating distance", "become stronger" only to "come back to save my baby girl" That sounds like a suitable plan to me and fits my own feelings.

  I will keep you updated and very much appreciate your thoughts and comments. Thanks. Thanks and Thanks again!

  Once I am "out" I can come back here and tell some of the "Inside Stories" that might interest many of you