You are not alone. Many people in this forum have gone through the same difficulties like the ones you are facing now, including my self.
My story it is very similar like yours, and I'm sure there are thousands that look alike in the WT world. I was born in the "truth" as a son of an elder, went to school with all the social issues I had to face being a 6 years old JW kid. Teenager was even worst, plus I left high school to become a pioneer since the end was so close and the "famous generation" that it wouldn't pass. Then I was pioneer for almost 10 years, got married (I guess my wife needed a status, since I was pioneer and MS and son of a CO!!!) No need to mention that I had the chance to become a promising musician but I never did since it wasn't appropriate to seek glory for myself!!! As you guess I preferred to work as a cleaner in order to gain time for "God's will". So eventually I was low paid, and trying to raise a family. Since my family became bigger I started working a second job, and then a third. But still it wasn't good enough to support my family needs, especially when you are not an educated person, and having no degrees. I could see my classmates and worldly friends having good jobs and getting paid, enjoying their life and I was in a deep shit...
I started having my doubts when again I had a business opportunity to start my own job (something with the media), and then the "elders" mess up (as usual) and discouraged me for doing so (actually I was told that if I continued with that job I would loose all of my privileges). On the other hand I could see a number of wealthy JW's expanding their jobs and their income off course, or having a double life and still enjoy a good status in the Org.
At the age of 33 I have gone through a detailed research of the WT, starting with their old books. From Russell to Rutherford and then: "heavens opened before my eyes". I did this research long before going on web, since I wanted to be sure that I wouldn't get blinded by Satan. I have found this website in 2001( I was posting as justhuman) but I had to re-login with a slight change since I couldn't get back my old account when Simon changed the site)
My wife is fanatic JW, actually she was the one who turned me in for apostasy to the elders of the WT, not once but twice!!! I faded out for 6 years, but I guess that wasn't enough for her. She is trying to keep the Org clean!!! So the second time I decided to cut my chains and I was disfellowshiped. The result was even worst since I had to leave my house. I do have children like you in young age, but I'm telling them that the coin has 2 sides. Since they were young when I left WT they don't remember me being a JW and that is good. I always try to point them that our Creator is a superior being of love and it will never harm anyone. They have their questions and I talk with them, since I have every right to do that.
Leaving WT it is not a simple task to do having in mind that WT is a mind destructive cult. But life still goes on after your exit. I have found new friends that they care about me. I sometimes I see in the street long time JW's friends and relatives and all of them they turn their heads when they see me. Life begins when you leave behind WT, there is an entire new world to explore. Most of all make new friends and enjoy life. I started traveling in other places, finding my old classmates, I even got a big motorbike so I could go for rides with my friends. I have gone through self destructive period my self like you, but that's history. WT has stolen my best years but I would not allow them to continue destroying my life, or even worsted to commit suicide. It is not worth it. Go on with your life, love your child and if you think that starting a new life is hard, it is not so.
