I’ve come so far but I can’t move on - WHY NOT??

by GoingGoingGone 35 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  GoingGoingGone

  Hi everyone, I haven’t been here for a while but I do pop in and read whenever I can. The economic downturn has left my JW husband with much less work which means he’s home a lot, which means little JWN-time for me :( So many new ones here! Yay! As great as that is, I most love seeing the posters who have been here a while, because you make this place still feel like home to me.

  I’ve been so frustrated and emotional lately, and so I thought I’d lay it all out here and get some input. I apologize in advance for the length.

  I seriously doubted that the JWs had “the truth” even before I got baptized at age 14. But I lived the Perfect JW Life, until a near tragedy jarred me to my senses 10 years ago. I allowed my doubts free reign then, I stopped going to meetings and in service slowly, and 6.5 years ago, I did my first internet search on Jehovah’s Witnesses. It was all over then... I made sure my young teenaged kids did not get baptized, made sure they got to go to college, and now one is graduated and in a great job, and the other well on his way. They are happy, they have great friends and celebrate holidays and b’days and just have a normal life. That was always my goal, and I’m so thrilled for them.

  The end.

  That’s how I feel... like, the story is over... what more is there to my life now? Leaving the JWs, I lost all my friends, I almost destroyed my marriage, and my emotional health took a huge blow. The prolonged stress led to physical problems, and I ended up with cancer.... which may have actually saved my marriage, as my husband’s attitude towards me changed then. We’re doing well now, as well as we can with the WTS in 1st place in our marriage and me in 2nd. And I’m cancer free :)

  So what do I want? I want friends. I want a social life. When my health improves, I want a job outside the house, doing something meaningful. I want to be able to talk to my husband about things that matter to me.

  So why don’t I go out and get what I want? I don’t knooooooowww!!!! I’m terrified that if I pursue ‘worldly’ friendships, it will drive a deeper wedge between my husband and myself. We’ll be living 2 separate lives. I don’t know if I can handle the stress anymore, and it’s both infuriating and depressing. I don’t want to live like this, alone and friend-less, but I’m afraid to change the status-quo. Afraid that if there’s fallout, I won’t be able to deal with it again.

  Also, I’ve been seeing a therapist for over a year. While she has helped me in certain ways, I truly feel that she still does not understand the impact that leaving the JWs can have on someone born in. How could she? She has discounted her rate very deeply for me, which I really appreciate, but I wonder at times if it’s wasted time and money.

  Thoughts? Comments? Questions? I’ll take any input at this point! And thank you in advance!

  GGG
• 

  Ding

  Hang in there.

  You have lots of friends here.

  Does your husband know your anti-WT views?

  Where are you spiritually now? Do you still believe in God and Christ and the Bible or did you give that up along with the WT?
• 

  GoingGoingGone

  Thanks Ding!

  Yes, my husband knows that I don't believe the WTS anymore. That's what started the downward spiral in our marriage. He lost his position as elder when our son refused to go to meetings while a high school senior. I wasn't too popular at that point!

  I spent years researching every religion I could, starting with Catholicism. When I left the JWs, I thought I would find how God wanted me to worship him. Today, I am agnostic. Not sure if I believe in God at all. And I don't believe that the bible is inspired.

  I NEVER thought I would have that set of beliefs! But I'm very much at peace with them :)

  GGG
• 

  Ding

  A lot of JWs find that the husband's BEING an elder puts stress on the marriage because he spends far more time being an elder than being a husband and father.

  Does your husband have any doubts about the organization at all or is he totally gung ho?
• 

  nugget

  The problem may be that you are looking at the whole task ahead and that is intimidating it can seem huge when you are facing the whole future and rebuilding. You do not need to make all the changes at once and no choice is irrevocable. Sometimes one thing will help with another.

  I would start looking for a job outside the home as soon as you feel up to it, after all times are hard and the Bible cites the examples of many industrious women. you can start part time and see how it goes and then move into full time. You may find that work leads to new friends. Also working can help build confidence and self esteem. Your husband may appreciate the financial support right now and it will be easier for him to accept this adjustment when there is a pressing need rather than later when he is in more secure work. You could even start with voluntary work just to see how you adjust and get your confidence up. Don't worry about all the what ifs until you try you will never know.

  I have like you lost all JW friends due to moving away from the religion. It is hard because as JWs we are taught how to make converts but not taught how to make friends. It is often being open to a friendly approach that counts and looking for opportunities. I have many ex JWs who are friends and these help me enormously, I also have made friends with neighbours and other Mums and slowly but surely I am making progress.

  You have so much to be proud of getting your children to break free and have great lives you have already achieved so much not to mention overcoming an enormous health issue. Anyone who can do these things has so much potential.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  I would love to tell you that to pursue worldly friendshipswill not drive a deeper wedge between you and your husband.
  Really, I would.

  I can't, because it might. I have pursued friendships slowly mainly through ex-JW's and co-workers. It causes a separate social life for me than my wife. But I cannot imagine refraining from all friendships and I cannot be friends with JW's while I am totally inactive. I am a bit of a loner and don't even need much in the way of social and close friends, but I need something. Despite the problems it can cause you and your husband, you need to have someone or even several someones to hang out with and confide in about things. The stress of not having that seems greater.

  I would love to talk to my wife about the 800-pound gorilla in the room many times. Sometimes I do. Mostly I don't. The gorilla is all about JW stuff- their thinking on holidays and normal worldly activities and how they treat inactive ones. Quite often, things come up where that gorilla rears its head. I pick my battles because I don't want battles with my wife.

  My therapist doesn't fully understand JW stuff, but she does understand people and traumatic problems and marriage and depression and stuff. I would tell you that you should keep going if she has discounted her rate and you are still unhappy. I would tell you that you will get help for depression or whatever is bothering you and you won't get a rate break if you need to find a different therapist. But I would also tell you that many people don't go to therapy for the rest of their life. Some take a break and see if they can go it alone. Others just stop after so many months or years after getting so much off their chest. So it's a tough call. You seem unhappy still. Address the entire thing to your therapist. Say straight out how you are wondering if it's a waste of time (leave out the money thing since she gives you a break) because she doesn't fully know the impact that leaving the JW's caused you. Ask her what progress she's seen and where she sees you now. If you have been there over a year, you have a lot invested, so maybe she can take you further along toward happiness. Maybe not. Ask her if you should take that break for a month or so and see how you feel then.

  I hope the best for you. If you ever get your sh^t together, let me know how you did it so I can copy your ways.
• 

  GoingGoingGone

  Hi Ding! My husband is totally gung-ho. And, I think he has doubts - but I'm just guessing, because he would never, ever admit it to me if he did. He's a born-in, like me, and has so much to lose if he leaves.

  Nugget - Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm afraid to get a job, any job, outside the house because one day I'm fine, and the next day I'm not. Calling in sick is not an option in my mind - I'd be "letting someone down", "shirking responsibility", whatever... And then I ask myself, am I making too much of this? Why is everything such a big deal? Why do I stress out about everything? Maybe 'one step at a time' is a good way to start, I just have to figure out which step to take.

  OTWO - You are right about the stress of not having anyone to hang out with being greater than the stress of dealing with that reality in a JW/exJW marriage. And it may very well be that the contemplating of that change is the most stressful of all. Maybe I just need to get out and do it already.

  The 800 lb. gorilla lives at my house too. I hate him. But I try to think of it as agreeing to disagree, which can also be difficult because I know I'm right!

  My thoughts on therapy are about the same as you stated. My therapist thinks that my physical problems are more imagined (how does one 'imagine' cancer?) and an attempt to escape my stress. As much as I'd love to escape my stress, I'd much rather learn to deal with it effectively.

  GGG
• 

  Bumble Bee

  Hi GGG, I don't come here very often anymore either, but logged on today and saw your post.

  You have made a start, you know what you want. Now all you have to do is figure out how to get it. I would start with one thing first and go from there. By the sounds of it you aren't well enough to get a job right now? If that's the case, start with the friendship aspect first. Do you have any hobbies or interests? If so, go to meetup.com and see what groups there are out there that you can join. It will get you out of the house and socializing with other people. The friendships will develop from there.

  There is nothing wrong with doing things on your own without your husband, but you might have to make an extra effort to schedule "us" time with him so you stay connected. Lots of people have relationships with different hobbies and interest or clubs that they belong to.

  I'm happy to hear that you are cancer free!!
• 

  GoingGoingGone

  BumbleBee - I've been on meetup.com :) Great minds think alike... lol! I've almost gone to a couple of completely social, just-to-meet-new-people type of events, but can't bring myself to actually do it because that means telling my husband that I need a life.... He's not going to be happy, and that's what is scaring me.

  Nice to 'see' you again!

  GGG
• 

  Chariklo

  Hi GoingGoingGone,

  I'm one of the new ones, so not one of the old faces you'll know, but I hope you won't mind me chipping in here, because I've read carefully through your post and all the following ones and I find it all very moving.

  Just briefly to introduce myself, so that you'll know where I'm coming from. Whereas I think you must have been born in to the JW's, I am an almost-convert, an unbaptised publisher who got "caught" by JW's at a vulnerable moment when my own church (Catholic) was going through huge scandal internationally, nationally and most painful of all, locally. Painful, because I have been very involved. The JW's who I met at that point somehow got through to me and I ended up assiduously going to meetings, studying, gradually making friends and associating with JW's. I was on my way to baptism, when certain events with the sister studying with me broiught me up short, and one morning I woke up with "What am I doing?!" running through my brain.

  You may not believe that this could be so after a mere 14 months with the JW's, albeit an intensive 14 months, but the process of stopping my study, stopping going out on "the service" and not going to meetings was unexpectedly extraordinarily difficult and disorientating. It's all very recent, but I am truly very new here and if you were to look back at my early posts you'll get a taste of how disorientated and in shock I was.

  Because it was all so recent for me of course once I stuck to my guns and also benefited from the fantastic support on here I quickly found my own feet again. Now, here is where it gets to be relevant to you.

  Even that brief though intense experience gave me a taste of how very much the social world of a JW is circumscribed by the WT environment and the WT rules and regulations, especially all the prohibitions. Well done for listening to your own brain and using your own common sense and especially well done for ensuring that your children have got educated, so they can think for themselves.

  My own life experience and work, quite apart from the recent sojourn with the JW's, have given me a lot of experience of people in all kinds of situations. You're in the US and I am not, so some of my suggestions might not be relevant to where you live, but anyway, this is what I thought after reading everything.

  Although you're mentally out of the JW's a lot of your life is still hemmed in by that system. Of course you need friends. Even more importantly, you need just plain social interaction outside the JW artificial bubble. You also need to be able to turn your focus outwards into the "real world". Getting a job might be part of the solution, as nugget suggests, because if you can find something that you enjoy and can get a sense of pride of achievement in then you gain an increased sense of self worth. And bring in money! And why not money just for you, too? But it might not lead to friends, although it certainly could. However, often work colleagues remain work colleagues rather than friends.

  Voluntary work might do better, and Nugget also suggests that. If there's scope for that near you for something you can relate to, then it might lead to other things. Joining an interest or hobby-based group is another idea. Do you have notices in your local library? There could be something there that appeals to you.

  Most important is doing something that you enjoy, just for the sake of it, so that in whatever you do, voluntary work or pursuing an interest, you yourself get to really have a good and satisfying time. Even taking the dog for a walk, and just greeting people with a smile and a hello can lead to a good feeling all round. Making friends is very hard if you are actively trying to make friends. Focusing instead on an activity you enjoy, and even on helping other people, can lead to shared experiences that THEN result in friendship, and that's how friendships just start. You can't force it. If you set out to create it, friendship is elusive. But if you forget all about wanting friends, it can creep up on you and take you unawares and one day you're sitting in a group drinking coffee or walking along chatting to someone and before you know it the friendship is growing.

  I think that's your way forward, both in practical suggestions and in attitude and focus. Oh, and also "pretending" to yourself thhat you're a confident happy person, acting the part to yourself and pretending that you're very positive, can end up with you discovering that you really are. I've used that technique in situations where I'm really nervous, and "putting on a front" can be really effective.

  Sorry this is so long. I hope some of it might be useful!