I’ve come so far but I can’t move on - WHY NOT??

by GoingGoingGone 35 Replies latest jw experiences

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  GoingGoingGone

  Mr. Flipper - I agree 100% with everything you wrote. You are very perceptive, my friend... We ARE living 2 seperate lives. I don't want to contribute to that, I guess. He doesn't have a social life either at this point, other than meetings or service. When he's invited somewhere, he doesn't go, because he knows I won't like sitting home alone. Usually, he doesn't even tell me he's invited somewhere - I'll see a text or an email. So then I feel even guiltier if I go out and find new friends, and he's not hanging out with his, for my sake. On the other hand, he might be getting his social needs met at the meetings and drinking coffee in service.

  But you are right that there are issues in our marriage.... There is too much that we cannot talk about, and I feel betrayed by all that happened between us after I left the WTS. We can't talk about that, either.

  Thanks for your encouraging words, Mr. Flipper!

  GGG
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  jgnat

  Great to see you both, GGG and Will Power.

  GGG, a lot that you describe is part of that mid-life crisis we go through when the children fly the nest. I went through an identity crisis of sorts. I did not know what music I liked, what food I would buy for myself...what to do with all my new spare time. I hated the silent house. I've managed to fill it out nicely now.

  You don't have a quiet house, though. You have a bored hubby underfoot. I can relate to that, too.

  I know you are a smart woman who is well-grounded, confident in who you are. So I'll give tips, but feel free to take or leave the ones that don't fit your situation.

  • Date night with hubby away from the Witnesses. See if you can get him out and about, too. There are discounted events in your neighbourhood if money is an issue.
  • Consider terminating your discounted therapist. If she can't relate, how can she help? Lady Lee taught me the freedom to choose; if a therapist doesn't fit, move on.
  • Find out if a "Chronic Disease Self Management" course is offered in your community. This course gives practical tools for breaking through old habits and patterns, and has been a great support for me. I recently went through a very stressful event and I was able to pull some of these resources out to calm me.
  • Strategize ways to socialize that will gradually acclamitize your hubby. The date night is one of these.

  I have a hubby with OCD and hoarding tendencies. I desperately needed to move some things about and do a purge. Nagging was a waste. I waited until he was out of the house, and purged a little. I purged and moved around a few more things the next day. He moaned, mumbled, and re-sorted his precious stacks when he was done, rightly asked why I hadn't involved him in the decision?

  "Because you would have found a reason to put if off a little longer. It needed to get done."

  He didn't have much to say to that. I think he's written off my new energy to a womanly thing and is tolerating my changes.

  I guess what I am saying is if you make gradual changes perhaps your hubby's resistance won't be set off. He'll work on tolerance.
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  flipper

  GOING, GOING, GONE- Would your husband be willing to go together to marriage counseling with you ? It may yield some good results, better results than it would being counseled by uneducated or untrained JW elders . Just a thought. It seems like the communication aspect needs to be improved and marriage counseling may help that
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  GoingGoingGone

  Hi jgnat! Good to see you too! Your suggestion to get my husband on a date night is a good one. It is an effort to get him to do anything, and I'd given up on that idea long ago because I was too tired to be dragging him places, but I think I'll give it a try again. You said >>Strategize ways to socialize that will gradually acclamitize your hubby. >> That's the hard part.... :) I'm not that terribly imaginative. But I'm working on it.

  Gradual change is definately the way to go. It's how I got him to agree to letting the kids go away to college. I started talking about college years before it was an issue... first community college, then state college, then my daughter was pushing for the best college she could get into. She went and he was very proud of her.

  I am going to look into the Chronic Disease Self Management course. I believe that most of my physical problems are caused by emotional stress. Some people deal with stress by drinking or getting angry or whatever... I've always pretended that nothing is a problem, sucked it up, and moved on with a smile. The emotion doesn't go away, it just gets buried deeper and over a lifetime, it causes physical problems... at least it has for me. I don't do stress very well anymore, which is partly what scares me about making waves in my marriage, by finding 'worldly' friends. But there are some great suggestions here, and the support is invaluable to me.

  Flipper - No, my husband would not go to therapy with me. He thinks the problems are all mine - I'm the one that left the WT, after all. If I went back, everything would be just fine. :(

  GGG
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  jgnat

  Yup, that stress will come out somewhere. The personal management techniques I learned help in so many areas, even for people who are not plagued with a chronic illness.
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  ballistic