True Friendship Only Found In the Organization?

by What Now? 48 Replies latest jw experiences

  • What Now?
    What Now?

    Often times, I read in the magazines that ONLY among Jehovah’s people will you find true friendship. They go so far as to imply that unless people are drawn together by a mutual love for Jehovah (the organization?) they will not have a rewarding friendship.

    My husband and I are not ones to sit back and expect people to chase our friendship. We try to be very hospitable – we have a group of people over for dinner at least once a month. We regularly have movies & snack nights, or have people over for coffee and dessert after the meetings. We organize big group outings, and in our old hall we even held a watchtower study in our home on Friday nights for all of the young people. We acknowledge all of our friend’s anniversaries with small gifts, and anytime a family has had a new baby, we bring over meals for them. The point I’m trying to make is that we try really hard to be good friends.

    But when the organization says that you will only find true friendship among Jehovah’s people … well, that statement has always been a little hollow in our experience. We’ve never found this anywhere in the organization. In the three years since we’ve left our old hall, no one has kept on touch with us. We’ve had friends that we’ve known for over 5 years and not once have we been invited to their home. When I recently gave birth to our son, no one brought over meals, and only a handful of people visited or called. In all the congregations that we’ve ever been in, there always seems to be these already established groups of friends or “cliques”, and no matter how hard we try, we still always seem to end up on the outside looking in. This is not really what I expect from people who are supposed to be willing to give their life for you. Having being conditioned to never cultivate friends outside "the truth" ... sometimes it can get a little lonely.

    I don’t mean to complain … I am just very curious to know what your experiences in the organization have been like when it comes to friends?

  • Honesty
    Honesty

    I had great friends in the organisation.

    Until I publicly rejected the authority of the Gubnin' Buddy.

    Now all of my friends are what the WTBS calls 'worldly but they stand by me through thick and thin.

  • LostGeneration
    LostGeneration

    If you are willing to surrender all of your thinking faculties to the Governing Body of Jehovahs witnesses, and are willing to only have friends that do the same, then you will be fine.

    Otherwise, its just another Watchtower lie.

  • talesin
    talesin

    I see my parents, in the org all their lives. My mom has three close friends. One of them is a woman she knew as a teen, the second a study she 'brought in', and the third a really nice 'sister' who is her 'replacement daughter'. My dad has friends, but more of the casual type. They used to be very popular, and had a large group that were always throwing parties, having dinner, etc. One day, out of the blue, the popular crowd just stopped inviting mom and dad to anything. My parents are a lot fun socially,,, they like to laugh, make great food, and are dependable as friends. They have no clue why they got dropped like a hot potato, but it was quite hurtful to them. I can't figure it out, either. But it was very CRUEL.

    In the RW, I've found that sometimes folks drift apart, or you might lose a friend because their new spouse doesn't like you, or you may have an argument and the friendship 'breaks up'. But that's life. On the whole, though, most folks have lifetime friends that they grew up with, and friends they made in university or at their first job,,, and they keep them. Not a lot, but like me, a half-dozen or so if you're lucky.

    I think it's because in the RW, you choose friends based on common interests, you truly like each other, and you share so many things, like sports, Christmas, birthdays, and such. Your choices are UNLIMITED --- not limited to a hundred people in a KH who have no time to develop the deep, rich bonds that 'worldly' people do. Also, in the RW, you can be friends with a smoker, or maybe your friend has a lot of recreational sex, but it's OKAY, because that does not make them an evil person (ie, human foibles or if you wish to call them 'faults' are not considered worthy of shunning).

    It's the nature of the beast -- being a JW. If you DO have real friends in the congo, then you would be exceptionally blessed. So it's not you, and the loneliness is real and natural.

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I've felt it many times, as my social skills are not very good (born-in that I am). It's OKAY TO COMPLAIN - how else are you going to get those feelings off your chest? And this is a great place to do it, because we 'get it'.

    With a lot work, though, I have learned how to be a 'real' friend,,, non-judgemental of others and knowing YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH are two qualities that I needed to learn. And guess what? I have some AWESOME friends who love me very very much, and life would not be worth living without them.

    tal

  • No Room For George
    No Room For George

    Good thread topic. Sometimes I wonder when looking at all the debates and discussions we have on this forum about "true Christians", if we're looking at it too hard? I say that because we'll examine in depth and discuss debates for multiple pages on subjects such as 607 vs 587, or the Trinity, or fractions vs whole blood, etc.., and I wonder if we're making a bigger issue out of this than necessary. The reason I say that is because Jesus said His disciples would be recognized by the love they had amongst themselves. It doesn't get much simpler than that. I don't want to generalize JWs as not being loving, or incapable of true friendship, because I know plenty of JWs who would break their necks for you and give you the shirt off of their back.

    At the same time, I know plenty who I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw them. When dealing with an elder body, its similar to being in the mafia. Much of that is the end result of the culture that the WT encourages amongst congregations with statements such as, "keeping the congregation clean", "don't offend the conscience of others", or "are you doing enough." In that same order the WT has created an atmosphere of suspicion, competition, and anxiety. Another thing is JWs are so busy with field service, and keeping up with their study, and meetings, that its hard to build relationships that are worth anything as you just don't have time. I got asked to play basketball this weekend, but I just don't have the time and I'd love to go. Being amongst JWs is like having a job that you hate and working for an overdemanding company with serious implications for not keeping everybody happy and playing your political cards right.

    The best friendships I've had with people have been with nonJWs. They didn't judge me, didn't expect anything from me, and they didn't view life as a neverending task.

  • Dune
    Dune

    I never was really part of the "in crowd" of JWs, i sort of just did my thing and had a lot of acquaintences, but never friends. It bothered me between the ages of 10 and 12, but then I just stopped caring. Then when I faded, it was never really a problem because i was already off the radar.

    It's funny because the guys I didn't talk to in Middle School & High School (because they were bad association) are the ones I hang out with now.

  • jaguarbass
    jaguarbass

    I was born in, When my wife had our son the congregation gave us diaper service for a year and cooked our meals for

    the first two weeks. But I had been in the congregation for 20 years and my wife for 10.

    I have been out of the Tower since 81.

    And my wife and I are still good friends with our good friends who were witnesses with us back in the 70's.

    Those are the facts the devils in the details.

  • applehippie
    applehippie

    Welcome What Now? I grew as as a JW and I've struggled to have friends all my life. My mom made sure that activities happened at our house and with our family. There was some reciprocation. But as I grew up I still did not have any close friends I could count on aside from one girl. I am still friends with her all these years later. But I do understand exactly what you mean. When you move it seems life is too busy or too stressful to keep up with old friends- and I'm just as guilty. It's something I'm trying to change now. I have a RW (I like this term) girlfriend who is very real with me- I could not do without her. We don't always agree on everything, our tastes may be different, but we are there for each other- always.

    Now as I've gotten involved with life at my husband's church I feel new hope for normal relationships with the other members. We had a fabulous cookout over Memorial weekend. In fact, I ought to say that I made the decision on Easter Sunday to accept Jesus and will be getting baptised soon.

  • andys
    andys

    When I used to be a JW I never had any close friends in the organization, I don't have the best of social skills, probably one of the things that started to break the straw on the camels back towards last, I was told by my parents the reason why I don't have any friends in the organization is because I was very weak as a JW, I began to think if a person is weak in something and needs help you don't beat the person down but instead you help a person gain strenght, now that I am moved out of my parents house, am out of the borg, I am finding some real friends also discovering who I am, I feel as if I am now on top of the world and its so nice to be free:)

  • jay88
    jay88

    I wonder if you would have more quality friendships now, if your time and energy was directed to decent non-witnesses?

    jay,

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