I finally desided to leave the witnesses therefore my family and basicly everyone and everything I had ever known. I was 19 about to be 20 and I had just finished my first semester at a community college. I was shocked at the respons of my father and others about me attending college at first they were ok but behind my back they were pretty much betting on my failier. My father and step mother are both alcholics and the elders have know about this for years. My father had left my real Mom when I was 9 and she was wrongly disfellowshiped and hurrassed by the elders until she finally left the state for good when I was 13. I was not allowed to see my mom, it was over six years since I had seen my own Mom the woman who gave birth to me and I knew I'd never see her if I stayed amung the jw's. On top of that I had many other 'secrets' that I had been holding onto for so long I felt as if I was about to die. I have battled with depression for most of my life and when I was younger even tried to commit suicide but only found myself in the hospital. I blamed everything on my mom only because she was the one who wasnt there but there was much more behind it. I found myself again contemplating why I should even live anymore when I got a phone call from the only true friend that I had (which was not a witness) she talked to me for a while and convinced me to come see here (she works at a mental health clinic and has worked with me since I was 16). She saved my life that day, I broke down I told her I could not live like that anymore I was sick of sneaking around and lying and living my life in a box. She calmed me down and helped me to find a way out. I went home and found both my father and step mom drunk and fight as usual so I went to my room and began packing a few bags of things I would need until I found my own place. I managed, by the grace of God, to sneak my way out while they were at the meeting that Sunday (I faked sick). I threw a few bags in my car and left to go stay in a shelter because I didn't have anywhere else to go. I refused to speak to my father or anyone other than the one visit my father came to with my therapist. I finally told him everything.. I spilled my guts out knowing that if I would've told him without the therapist there he would have went off on me. I told him I did not want to be a Jehovah's Witness, I was not going to go home, and the hardest part... I finally admitted to my father that I am a lesbian. He was is complete shock and did not have much to say. I felt a sense of relief for the first time, however it didnt last long. I started getting phone calls left and right from everyone in the congregation mostly the elders. I spoke to the PO and asked them to please leave me alone I had been through enough and I had nothing further to say. This continued until I found a job and moved into a town close by. My father and my oldest sister who is also a jw told me what a horrible discusting person I was and that I needed help. They both admitted that they were not surprized that I was gay but they thought I would be strong enough to ignore it. I'm 20 years old how can I ignore something so big? Something that is and always has been a part of me! I am still struggling now six months later with the loss of my family and so called friends. I don't know how to let go of the many things that have happend in my life with as I was raised as one of jehovah's witnesses. The elders had actually started stalking me outside of my home and work and college! My father had lead them straight to me. I tried one last time asking them to leave me alone and I was told that if I refused to meet with them or write a letter then they would have to continue 'staking out my place and work' until they caught me alone. I asked the elder if that was a threat, he didn't know how to respond he only said "well we are only doing our duty to Jehovah." I asked if his duty was to judge and put someone to shame and make them feel worthless, to this he did not really have an answer either. I finally when to the police and filed a harrament report against the elders and my father. This killed me I was so confused and scared. Thankfully they have now backed down and I am now disfellowshiped. I am still however having a very hard time dealing with all of this on my own. I have made friends at work/college and actually have been dating a woman who has been a great source of support but they don't understand a lot because they don't know how the witnesses really are. I guess I am seeking advice or someone who can really understand what I have been going through so that I can move on with my life freely.
I have just left my parents home and the JW's about six months ago and have found it hard to get over.
by StephanieH 51 Replies latest jw experiences
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blondie
Welcome, you came to the right place. We have posters who have successfully dealt with similar issues over time. Please allow me to add some paragraphs for my poor old eyes. Blondie
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I finally desided to leave the witnesses therefore my family and basicly everyone and everything I had ever known. I was 19 about to be 20 and I had just finished my first semester at a community college. I was shocked at the respons of my father and others about me attending college at first they were ok but behind my back they were pretty much betting on my failier.
My father and step mother are both alcholics and the elders have know about this for years. My father had left my real Mom when I was 9 and she was wrongly disfellowshiped and hurrassed by the elders until she finally left the state for good when I was 13. I was not allowed to see my mom, it was over six years since I had seen my own Mom the woman who gave birth to me and I knew I'd never see her if I stayed amung the jw's.
On top of that I had many other 'secrets' that I had been holding onto for so long I felt as if I was about to die. I have battled with depression for most of my life and when I was younger even tried to commit suicide but only found myself in the hospital. I blamed everything on my mom only because she was the one who wasnt there but there was much more behind it. I found myself again contemplating why I should even live anymore when I got a phone call from the only true friend that I had (which was not a witness) she talked to me for a while and convinced me to come see here (she works at a mental health clinic and has worked with me since I was 16). She saved my life that day, I broke down I told her I could not live like that anymore I was sick of sneaking around and lying and living my life in a box. She calmed me down and helped me to find a way out.
I went home and found both my father and step mom drunk and fight as usual so I went to my room and began packing a few bags of things I would need until I found my own place. I managed, by the grace of God, to sneak my way out while they were at the meeting that Sunday (I faked sick). I threw a few bags in my car and left to go stay in a shelter because I didn't have anywhere else to go. I refused to speak to my father or anyone other than the one visit my father came to with my therapist. I finally told him everything.. I spilled my guts out knowing that if I would've told him without the therapist there he would have went off on me.
I told him I did not want to be a Jehovah's Witness, I was not going to go home, and the hardest part... I finally admitted to my father that I am a lesbian. He was is complete shock and did not have much to say. I felt a sense of relief for the first time, however it didnt last long. I started getting phone calls left and right from everyone in the congregation mostly the elders. I spoke to the PO and asked them to please leave me alone I had been through enough and I had nothing further to say. This continued until I found a job and moved into a town close by. My father and my oldest sister who is also a jw told me what a horrible discusting person I was and that I needed help. They both admitted that they were not surprized that I was gay but they thought I would be strong enough to ignore it.
I'm 20 years old how can I ignore something so big? Something that is and always has been a part of me! I am still struggling now six months later with the loss of my family and so called friends. I don't know how to let go of the many things that have happend in my life with as I was raised as one of jehovah's witnesses. The elders had actually started stalking me outside of my home and work and college! My father had lead them straight to me. I tried one last time asking them to leave me alone and I was told that if I refused to meet with them or write a letter then they would have to continue 'staking out my place and work' until they caught me alone. I asked the elder if that was a threat, he didn't know how to respond he only said "well we are only doing our duty to Jehovah." I asked if his duty was to judge and put someone to shame and make them feel worthless, to this he did not really have an answer either.
I finally when to the police and filed a harrament report against the elders and my father. This killed me I was so confused and scared. Thankfully they have now backed down and I am now disfellowshiped. I am still however having a very hard time dealing with all of this on my own. I have made friends at work/college and actually have been dating a woman who has been a great source of support but they don't understand a lot because they don't know how the witnesses really are. I guess I am seeking advice or someone who can really understand what I have been going through so that I can move on with my life freely.
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snowbird
Welcome, Baby Girl.
You've been through the wringer, haven't you?
Come here and let me give you a big, materteral hug.
This place is good for what ails us.
Aunt Syl
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Found Sheep
Welcome!
Good for you at 20 to be so brave. You made the first step but six months isn't much time to heal from 20 years of abuse. Give yourself time to breath. Glad you are in school that is a good path to take. I've been out now three years and it is still at times hard to grasp. It was a slow healing for me. Lots of reading this site and Crisis of conscience by Raymond Franz and I liked reading books by ex-jw's... it takes time.
May God Bless YOU!
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StephanieH
Thank you Blondie I really wasn't thinking about the format thanks for putting it in paragraphs. :) It is just still very hard for me to talk about any of this much less seek help. Plus I am not really sure how this website works just yet.
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nicolaou
Hi Stephanie
What a moving story, my heart goes out to you. I won't pretend to have much insight into your particular situation but I would say that you are amongst friends here, there are a few jerks for sure but most hearts are in the right place.
Have you thought about meeting up with some exjw's in your area? You could ask your girlfriend to join you, it might give her a little more understanding about where you are 'from'.
Love, Nic'
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talesin
You've done the right thing. I was your age, got kicked out at 18, DF several years later.
Remember that you have been hurting a long time, and it's natural to be having a hard time dealing with this. We are NOT MEANT to be banished from our families when we have done nothing wrong ... when we need love and support, especially as young adults searching for our niche in life.
My only advice is to remember that YOU'RE OKAY, it's they who are wrong. Heal at your own pace - it's your journey... others can share, be supportive, offer suggestions (advice, if you will). Pick and choose what WORKS FOR YOU. Counselling may be a good idea, and I see you have already sought help before, so good on ya!
I recently friended a young woman (here on JWN) who also was a JW and is a lesbian. Her healing has really accelerated recently, and happiness is here! Depression does NOT have to follow you around for the rest of your life --- of course you have been depressed for many years --- you've had to hide your true self. This too, will heal. (I know, was suicidal as a child and teen for different reasons, but I am proof that healing is possible for anyone if they work at it and learn to believe in themselves.)
and Welcome to JWN!~
Just a heads-up,, this is an open discussion board, so ignore any ignorance you may encounter re your sexual orientation -- just like in the RW, there are a few misinformed/judgemental people everywhere.
tal
*oops, edited to say JWN, not JWD*
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NomadSoul
Wow, that was brave. You're doing good by not saying a word to the elders or any other JW's. Keep it that way and move on.
Wish you the best.I left the B'org when I was really young also and I was ready to move out when my parents kicked me out. Of course they changed their mind and once I turned 18 I was out of there.
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StephanieH
Snowbird yes I guess I kind of have been put through the wringer over the past few month but I know it will be worth it in time.
Found Sheep I know it will take me a while to deal with this all.
Thankfully I have already been in therapy getting help that way through this even while I was still a part of the organization. I never really understood most of what they taught me growing up because it always seemed to me that my life was one big web of lies and secrets. I just keep hoping that things will get easier. The hardest part of it all was leaving behind my sister and her three kids who have been my world since they were born. I hate knowing how they will grow up, I was the only one who really took care of them when they needed someone and they are still so young. I feel guilty for leaving them behind but I know there is nothing I can do anyway.
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Billy the Ex-Bethelite
Welcome Stephanie!
Here's a message from a JW:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQo4nkNAh3I
Don't let anybody else get you down:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnYa9R4N-8c
Hang in there. It will get better!