I'll always be a failure

by MrFreeze 21 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  sizemik

  Freeze . . . it's the culture of the religion that adds to this . . .

  As you know, JW's are constantly getting the message they're not doing enough . . . not good enough in other words. It's a religion that uses the guilt imposed by that sense of failure to beat the R&F with. Your Mum is probably still being subjected to that after many years of it already. It's likely she will see you through those same tinted spectacles . . . but you've ditched them which lowers the perspective even more.

  And of course you still bare the scars of that yourself. It's as much a product of this constant put down, as it is her personal feelings . . . more so probably.
• 

  OUTLAW

  It`s no big Deal..

  All good Jehovah`s Witness mothers will screw you over for the WBT$..

  Eventually you have to ask yourself "DO you want someone like that in your life?"..

  .....................;-)...OUTLAW
• 

  Gayle

  You are not a failure because of your decision to not remain a JW. Unfortunately, your mom has become disabled by the WTS. She does not even know or understand that this has happened. Her natural love and affection of you has been suppressed by the WTS. Try to forgive her, for your own sake, as she is the one that will be affected the most in the long run. Sadly, it will be her sorry state as she ages.

  Put your energy of making people happy with others. There will be plenty that will appreciate it.
• 

  fade_away

  It is a sad thing. I gave up on trying to please my parents. If I'm not climbing the spiritual ladder, then they're not impressed with anything else I accomplish. When I lived with them i tried to make them proud, but their reaction to everything I did was "meh" as long as it wasn't for Jehovah (WTBTS). Now that I'm on my own I can finally stop worrying about living up to their expectations. I can't say I didn't try.
• 

  blondie

  My mother is an alcoholic. Going to Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholic (ACOA) meetings were great for me. All my life I had been told I was responsible for making my parents happy, my siblings, family friends, people at the KH, even God....I was miserable. I found there that none of us have the power to make other people happy (or unhappy). This doesn't mean that you had to have an alcoholic parent but you have been in a situation at home that was emotionally chaotic and you formed coping mechanisms to protect yourself. Now that you are grown (and I am grown) we continue to use these same behaviors because that is all we know. But we can change. Much of what I learned helped me leave the WTS, a similar place emotionally. I learned what was healthy in a more real world for me. I found a therapist that helped me see I was making progress. If you can find an ACOA group in your area, it could be helpful.

  Behavioral patterns that are common in ACOA cases are:

  - Difficulty with intimate relationships such as short lived relationships, choosing unhealthy partners and communication problems

  - Procrastination - never completing projects or following through with things

  - Being uncomfortable when things are going smoothly, having a sense of impending doom. Individuals may even create chaos to relieve the uneasiness

  - Being overly responsible or irresponsible. Individuals may even feel that they are responsible for the choices of others or making others happy

  - Have a constant need for approval and reassurance

  - Being overly critical of themselves or have higher expectations of themselves than of others

  - Have a tendency to lie to others about things no matter how insignificant

  - May be very loyal, even when it is undeserved, allowing others to take advantage of them

  Here's another list

  • Are you preoccupied with fears of being abandoned or rejected?
  • Do you have unexpressed anger about how you grew up?
  • Do you spend a lot of trying to make other people happy at your own expense?
  • Is emotional or physical intimacy hard for you to experience?
  • Do you distract yourself from experiencing difficult emotions with sex, gambling, work, drugs or alcohol?
  • Do you experience chronic feelings of shame and guilt

  Or some of these

  Adult Children of Alcoholics and Adult Children of Chaos commonly share these experiences:

  • Sadness.
  • An inner sense of anxiety, badness, defectedness, inadequency, and/or worthlessness.
  • Inappropriate internal and external boundaries with people.
  • Impaired judgment and decision making about significant relationships.
  • An impaired ability to form and maintain healthy attachments to people.
  • Difficulty trusting others.
  • Being taken advantage of or exploited by significant relationships.
  • Extremely compulsive or controlling, perfectionistic or rebellious.
  • Clingy or overbearing.
  • Withdrawn or isolated.
  • “I am bad therefore I am alone; I am alone therefore I am bad”; “I must be in control”; “I must avoid conflict”; “I must be responsible for everyone’s well-being/emotions”; “I don’t need anyone”; “I must ignore my needs and wants”.
  • “I must see the good and ignore the bad”; “I must see the good in others and focus on the bad in me”; “I must be close to someone”; “I must keep everyone at arms length.”
  • Deriving one’s purpose or meaning from serving others exclusively, and feeling spiritually lost
• 

  Walt Whitman

  It's what YOU truly believe about yourself that has the most power in your life.

  Sometimes you have to come to grips that -- even though you want it so badly (maternal acceptance) -- there no water in that well. And probably never will be. Time to let go and move on. It might hurt like hell but turn the page; but don't give her the power if she makes you feel a failure.
• 

  MrFreeze

  I may look into that blondie.

  I don't feel like I'm a failure. I think I've done pretty well for myself since I left the organization. The point Im trying to make is from her point of view. I think its depressing that someone will never find contentment. Its a pain to deal with people who are impossible to satisfy. Its very frustrating.
• 

  pubtruth

  I can relate to this situation, now that I'm losing JW friends and the continual withdrawal of approval from my mother, as I stand firmly with my facts about the organization I was born in to. Its hard looking at my mother posing a now fake grin trying to fake happiness for me when she in fact dreads the day I'll die in "Armageddon".. Try your best to wake her up, like I'm trying with mine, even though mines still doesn't like what I've decided in life, shes starting to realize nothing can be done to change my position, and slowly starting to accept it. (Listening to what I say as well, even though her mind trips back into JW thinking shortly after)

  Remember, it's your life, be happy, and it's not being selfish, it's simply survival. (quoting a post i had read some time back)
• 

  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  Hang in there MrFreeze!

  This is all a part of the "self-destruct mechanism" that WT tries to plant in every JW. When you try to leave the org, the pre-programmed guilt will come from your "friends", family, and the constructed belief system in your mind. The folks in Bethel want you to believe that you're a hopeless failure if you don't follow their commands.

  In reality, you know that it's their interpretation of "generation" that's a failure... along with almost everything else they believe.
• 

  sd-7

  I'm just going to say it. Your mom's point of view is wrong. It is based on a false premise to begin with--that your worth is measured by your allegiance to a religion. But as others have said here, I doubt that's how your true mom really feels. Beneath the cult, I mean.

  Besides, you're MrFreeze. Your current predicament leaves you COLD to her feelings about you.

  

  --sd-7