Welcome
I too was an elder's wife when I first came to this sight and was scared half to death, but my doubts would not let me leave the sight alone.
Hang in there, glad you are here.
LITS
New here - hello!
by sickandtired 62 Replies latest jw experiences
-
-
sickandtired
AMNESIANO -
THANK YOU so much for your kind words. I think I will one day be where you are hopefully. The thing I wrestle with most is causing my family pain. Especially my mom and husband. But, my children are the most important thing to me. But, I hate the thought of rocking their world because my husband and I have worked hard to provide them with a stable, loving family environment. Because of the degree of my husband's committment to this religion, I feel I must tread lightly. I do make little seemingly innocuous comments here and there to hopefully get him thinking. I have to say that he did tell me that he didn't agree with everything (of course, he didn't expound on that and I didn't push it) but he very much feels it's the truth.
I'm not quite mentally out yet. I still have thoughts like "What if they're right?" I was raised as a Witness from a young age so it is essentially all I've known. As you can see, I have lots to sort out and hopefully this forum will help me do that.
-
AnnOMaly
A big WELCOME, sickandtired!
Much of your experience resonates with my own situation as it developed over the past decade (yep, that long!). One big difference is that it was my husband who woke up first, many years before me, and I was the one who couldn't see it. He had the good sense to keep it pretty much to himself (despite it 'killing' him to do so - pre-internet so no one to talk to). I had the good sense not to rat on him about him having doubts. Eventually, niggly questions I had of my own would not go away and they had to be dealt with (607/1914 also a biggie for me) ... and then the floodgates opened. Our present situation remains a very wobbly tightrope and I for one have wanted to jump off it for a long time but due to certain circumstances I can't yet. I know exactly how you feel about FS and studies - especially difficult if you are supposed to be an example to the congo as the wife of an elder or MS!
Good advice from everyone. Mine is: don't lose hope regarding your husband - you never know.
I've tried to look for another organization to compare, but I come up empty.
Don't look for another organization to compare. They all have their good and bad points - after all, they're imperfect human constructs so they are bound to disappoint you in some ways! If you still believe in the Bible, it's Jesus, not an organization, you're supposed to be looking to (John 6:68; 14:6). If you focus on the Perfect Example, you're not going to worry about trying to find a 'perfect' organization.
To add: apart from hubby, the internet and JW-based forums have been invaluable helps to keep me sane LOL.
-
WalkTall
Sickandtired and Amnesiano, I too am in a similar position. My husband was an elder for over 20 years and the only reason he is not one today is because we changed congregations and he had low service time due to his work committments. I woke up almost 6 years ago and have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. Somedays, I see the prison bars all around me and I feel like a caged animal. Then there are days when it's not so bad and I can't imagine losing all my family and friends. This is what this cult does-when you are a firm believer, it deludes you into investing your whole life and all your energies into it. They don't push you into the cellblock, you walk into it on your own. Trouble is, you don't see the bars there until it's too late. But when you do, especially in our situations, it is only with difficulty that we find our way out.
Leaving cold turkey for me would cut me out of the lives of my grown children and other family members whom I love. So, I have chosen the slow fade. I only attend 3 or 4 meetings a month, service every 3 months (in which I insist on going alone and the pretend to ring the bell, what a crazy way for a grown woman to live!). I still put made up numbers on the slip each month, so I'm not inactive and they'll leave me alone. But in the meantime, I have started asking my family some of the questions that others on this thread have suggested. I always take the opportunity to point out to them the lack of love, the judgemental attitudes and the idolatry of the GB that consistently goes on. While no one in my family has awakened as of yet, I can tell that they are realizing that some of the things I say have validity. But, it is a lonely road to walk somedays. There are times I look around and realize I'm totally surrounded by people living in delusion and I wonder how in the hell I got here. So far, no one in my family has turned me in as an apostate, but as time passes, I start caring less and less if they did. There are days I'm just tired of living like this. But, yet I can't quite work up the courage to just quit because then there are those days when the thought of being cut out of all of their everyday lives is unbearable to me. So I take one day at a time. I've read Ray's book, I read the Tao, Tolle, and other things that help me cope. This board has been a life saver for me, just knowing there are people out there who understand, who've walked this path before me, or are in the same situation as myself, alleviates the feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Please feel free to pm me anytime. Perhaps we can exchange contact info. if you ever need anyone to talk to.
-
Room 215
Welcome!! Your first-ever contribution to this forum is wonderfully eloquent and quite moving.
I keep thinking that maybe God is backing the Witnesses because I see evidence of love and harmony that I have not seen in any other religion.
You're quite right about the undeniably positive aspects of the Witnesses culture. One point to consider is the extent to which you've had the experience to venture elsewhere for a first-hand look at other religious communities, on which you might base a comparison. Another is to consider the extent to which we were all intimidated into avoiding the experience of taking a first-hand look.
Were you to do so, you might be surprised at the extent to which you'll find such qualities in evidence. Since the congregations of most protestant religions are far more autonomous -- less hierarchical -- than their JW counterparts, you'll likely observe less uniformity over behavior. Still, it's been my experience that communties of caring, charitable, socially conscientious Christians do indeed exist and are far less rare than the WT stereotype would have us believe.
-
Franklin Massey
Welcome. I live a somewhat mirrored life to yours. I recently resigned as an elder and my wife is more mentally "in" than I am. A few years ago, when I first started to voice my doubts, my wife was scared. She put up the walls common to those who have been immersed in high control groups. Granted, my approach was flawed as I was fueled by feelings of confusion and despair. I backed off, learned to balance my emotions a bit (posting here has been therapeutic), worked some internal issues out and focused on being the best husband I can be. Presently, she is slowly awakening and has grown comfortable with having her own ideas independent of the WT Org. It turns out that she has always "made the 'truth' her own." I, on the other hand, was the more imbalanced one in terms of how I perceived JW doctrine. I had a hard time letting go. We also are learning that when it comes to spirituality, no two people can be on the exact same page at the same time. It truly is an individual journey. In coming to terms with this, our relationship has gone from good to great. We have learned that religion doesn't necessarily make a happy marriage. Respect, patience, and love make a happy marriage.
You mentioned "I keep thinking that maybe God is backing the Witnesses because I see evidence of love and harmony that I have not seen in any other religion." Maybe. May I ask though, how many other religions have you closely associated with? Have you spent enough time getting to know people of other religions so as to have enough evidence to say that only JWs experience high levels of love and harmony? And where does the JW unity come from? Do all JWs really believe the same, or, is unity more a reflection of Organizational control?
From my experience, I have found love and harmony in abundance outside of the WT Org. Other religions share the same type of love among members. I have also found love and goodness among the non-religious. As a JW, I have been told that we have something that no one else has. The Org goes to great lengths to tear down other people's belief systems and build up their own. If you pay attention, you may notice a lot of "us vs. them" language. JWs talk about how people of "the world" can't be as happy as them. They paint a picture of "worldly" people being miserable and lost. On the other hand, they build up JWs as the happiest people who have real hope and real "truth." It's "JWs vs. everyone who isn't a JW." I don't find that approach to be very Christian, let alone beneficial to humanity in general. Once I dropped the attitude that I was somehow superior and special just because I was part of a certain religious group, I began to notice that many people outside of the JWs are really happy. They do live good lives. They do have hope. We can learn so much from everyone but only if we drop the idea that we're the only ones with "truth." This is not to say that there aren't good aspects to being a JW. I'm only saying if love and harmony are evidence of God's hand, then I see God's hand working everywhere, not just in the WT Org.
-
cantleave
WELCOME - You are amongst friends here, many who have been or still are in your situation.
-
CuriousButterfly
Welcome SickandTired your life mirrors so much of mine. :) I too am married to an elder and have major doubts about the religion. Ironically over the whole generation change.
I am going to send you a PM, it is the little envelope on the top right of your screen.
-
Velour
Welcome to the forum SickandTired!
I'm in agreement with everyone here who says to take your time. For myself, even after fully believing that being a JW was not for me, it was difficult to see myself parting with my family. My family consists of myself (the oldest of 4), 2 younger sisters, 1 brother, and father and mother. I stuck with the religion for a while just to keep my family close to me. I remember my heart bursting with pain and my stomach knotting up with misery at the thought of losing my family, of them shunning me. I knew I couldn't be a witness but I knew I couldn't lose my family.
I imagine that being married and having children of your own makes the pain of such a decision much more difficult. I must admit that even after leaving I hated and resented the idea that they shunned me. I felt hurt and betrayed and I felt like a betrayer. It's been a year and I'm just now realizing that it is in fact my family who have chosen to shun and turn their backs on me- not that it makes the pain go away but I know it's not me pushing them away, as I stand here everyday with my heart wide open to them.
Also, for my younger siblings, I've set the example that if you have questions and you realize that you can not stay trapped, leave. Leave and live life! You don't have to stay clutched in the iron hands of the organization. I feel if I had all of these doubts and I was miserable and stayed in this organization, what kind of example would I be setting for them? Is staying in this organization allowing it to crush me emotionally, stiffle me mentally, and pin me in the right message to send to them? I feel that my young and growing siblings should have the opportunity to be who they are and express themselves without restriction, which this organization frustratingly does not allow. I feel I've opened the way for them to do that. I'm a pioneer in the family in that sense =P making it easier for them to leave too.
I've thought about if I had waited longer and my siblings grew up without seeing anyone question and leave the organization, they may not know how to cope and deal with any doubts they had. They wouldn't know anyone, wouldn't have any proof, that life outside the organization is not only possible but desirable. But now they know. Or they would have grown up not even knowing to check facts and ask questions and would accept the organization as all-knowing, always right. So when, because it was inevitable, I left, they would shun me whole heartedly instead of having the love that children have and having this moment in their childhood memories to reflect on when they get older asking, "was it really right that because of these teachings my sister, my family, our relationships were damaged?"
My little brother shows signs of homosexuality. One of my sisters has a strong sense of right and wrong, and asks questions that were difficult to answer. Another sister is a free spirit and doesn't respond well when she isn't able to paint and create and just be herself. If any of them choose to leave because of the nonsense they recognize they all know I'm here and they don't have to stay and be miserable and stiffled.
I know my relationship with my siblings is not the same as yours to your children. Your bond is much deeper and stronger than any sibling relationship could be. I feel you could be a much more reliable stepping stone out of the organization when they grow up and realize that they are more than Watchtower robots.
-
sickandtired
Thanks to all of you for giving me so much to think about.
LITS, I smiled when I read your reply. I was scared to death of posting here. It's amazing the amount of fear they put into you about apostate websites! But, like you I couldn't stop coming here. Still can't! I've always been a "good girl". Even as a teenager! While other Witness kids around me were doing everything under the sun, I was aux pioneering on summer vacation and felt extreme guilt for holding a boy's hand at school! Posting on this forum is probably the most rebellious thing I've ever done in my life!