Trying to Salvage a Friendship (page 2)

Scully

I tried something similar about a year ago. I'd heard from this friend's brother that she was no longer Active™ as a JW - hardly ever went to meetings, did some things that JWs would frown upon, etc.

So I sent her an email hoping only to catch up. I shared some details of my life. She responded with no details, just wanted to know if I was an Active™ JW. I was honest with her and told her I wasn't. The next thing I heard from her was that she did not want to communicate with me b/c I was following Satan.

Then a couple of days later, I realized that she had found me on FB and used my friends list to re-connect with classmates who were never JW (the ones who were always "following Satan". I was infuriated that she used me the way she did, and just blocked her.

I truly hope your experience is different, Quendi. But know that you can share with us regardless of the outcome.

Quendi

I want to share the latest on this thread, and again I want to thank all for their advice and support. Instead of contacting my friend directly, I asked a mutual friend to do so. This mutual friend called twice and left messages with his phone number and asked that his calls be returned. The last call was placed on Friday and as of Sunday night there has been no reply.

Actually, this is what I had expected. My friend, whom I'll call "Evan", has fallen on some very hard times. He is unemployed, penniless, and now forced to live with relatives. He no longer attends the meetings--at least not regularly--and certainly does not participate in the field service. I also fear that he is now drinking rather heavily.

Our mutual friend has begged me to make an effort to talk to "Evan". In the past, I was the closest friend "Evan" has ever had. We have drifted apart since I was disfellowshipped due to the WTS shunning policy and have not spoken to each other in nearly four years now. I suspect that "Evan" was too embarrassed and ashamed of his current circumstances to talk to our mutual friend and that is the reason he has not returned those phone calls. He does not want to be reminded of the past, so he has withdrawn deep within himself.

I have decided that I will make an attempt to reach "Evan" on the telephone. I have his number. He lives less than a dozen miles from me but I don't think I should show up at his door unannounced. But I want to consult with others before I make my next move. The entire reason for this exercise is to determine if our friendship can be salvaged. I want to help in any way I can, but I also know that the slope to co-dependency is a very slippery and seductive one. A co-dependent relationship is the last thing either one of us needs. "Evan" most likely needs professional help and counseling and I am not qualified to render those. All I can do is be his friend and support him in his efforts to move forward with his life again.

I've appreciated the thoughts and counsel I have received from all of you. That is why I am turning to you once again as well as consulting with friends close at hand. What do you think? Should I even make this attempt? If I do, how should I approach "Evan"? I know that delicacy, tact, and genuine affection will need to be displayed. Is there anything else I should say and do? And when should I understand that "Evan" might not want to renew our friendship and let go? Your thoughts, advice, and comments are most welcome.

Quendi

talesin

Hi Evan,

I've really missed our friendship over the past few years. It would be great to talk to you, or maybe even get together for a coffee if you'd like. Could you give me a call? My number is ... Take care, Quendi.

Maybe a card with a note similar to the above? It lets him know you're okay with the past 4 years of no-contact, and doesn't bring up his current circumstances. It's really how you feel --- yes, you want to be supportive now, but really, you just plain miss him. It's an equal-footing type of message.

t

smiddy

I think the best indication is the fact he never tried to contact you when you first reached out to him.We had a similar experience with a family we grew in the "truth" together and they shunned us,on my wifes second contact. ( and religion was not even mentioned ) Forget about him and move on with your life .Their not worth it

smiddy

Quendi

@talesin: Thank you for your wonderful suggestion of sending a card instead of making a phone call and the message the card should carry. I have spoken to others who have given the same counsel. I think this will represent my best chance of resuming contact with "Evan".

@smiddy: I appreciate your counsel on this matter. If I get no response from the card then I will take your advice. For then it will be plainly evident that "Evan" does not want to resume our friendship and I will be free to move on.

Quendi

talesin

Quendi, if I receive a card, I know it's heartfelt, and also less pressure than a phone call, text or face-to-face. It's good to have the folks here for different options, huh?

t

Quendi

@talesin

I put the card to "Evan" in the mail today and it should reach him no later than Saturday. He might even get it tomorrow. I used your suggested message practically word-for-word and added a sentence that also gave him my e-mail address. My return address (a post office box) is on the envelope, but I did not put my name there because I did not want any of his relatives with whom he is staying to possibly keep the card from him. All of his family know that I am disfellowshipped. Since they also know my handwriting, I addressed the envelope in block letters rather than cursive script.

"Evan" and I used to go on what we called "buddy trips". It would be just the two of us and we would take up to a week wandering through the mountains of Colorado. We took photographs; went to ghost towns; traveled back roads; examined regional geography and geology; and traversed many a high pass. Early autumn, when the aspens turned gold, orange, and red was our favorite time of year to do this. When high summer brought out mountain wildflowers, we would get up into the high country to see them. (Can you tell that both of us are nature lovers?) His favorite place in the entire world is the San Miguel River Valley high in the San Juan Mountains where the ski town of Telluride stands. Looming over Telluride are mountains and mesas that have to be seen to be believed. So the card I chose to send has a photograph of a flower-spangled mesa with the snow covered San Juans beetling above it. I'm sure it will bring back many memories of our travels together.

Now all I can do is wait. The friends I have spoken to believe that I have done all I can and that your suggested approach is the best. They think "Evan" will respond positively. I know he is unhappy, lonely, and suffering from depression. Being trapped in the WTS cult is making matters worse. I hope that he will ignore their orders about not communicating with disfellowshipped people and reach out to me. Whatever happens, I am satisfied with my effort to salvage our friendship.

I want to thank talesin and everyone else who gave me counsel on this sensitive subject for me. I'll keep all informed about any future developments.

Quendi

I am reporting back on my effort to salvage the twenty-five year friendship I had with my friend "Evan". First, I want to thank all and sundry for their advice and suggestions. I am glad I solicited them. I know that I had to make this attempt because I needed closure one way or the other. So the input I received was instrumental in how I crafted the approach I finally used. I want to thank talesin particularly for her warm and helpful suggestion of the kind of message the card I sent to "Evan" should have.

I mailed the card last Thursday, 28 July. Since "Evan" lives only a few miles away from me, I figured it should have reached him no later than Saturday, 30 July. That would give him plenty of time to read it, consider the message, and make a reply if he wanted to get back together. Nearly a week has passed and I have received no word at all. No phone call, no e-mail, not even snail mail. I provided him with all the necessary information so that he could have contacted me if he had made any effort to do so.

So I now have to face the hard reality that this friendship and relationship is over. I am trying not to take the silence too personally. The reason I say this is because I know some of our mutual friends and acquaintances have also attempted to reach out to "Evan" and have been met by the same silence and rejection. That may indicate that he is struggling with deep issues that are hindering him from enjoying a normal, healthy relationship with other people. On the other hand, his lack of action may simply indicate a cold hard truth. He no longer wishes to renew our ties and rekindle our friendship.

In any case, I am now prepared to move on. I have done all that I could. I also believe that if "Evan" is so psychologically and emotionally impaired that he cannot enjoy our friendship again, then there is probably very little I can do for him. It may also be that associating with him again may put my own mental and emotional health at risk. I also know that if his circumstances change, I am ready to get together once more. But I cannot spend any more time pursuing something he clearly does not want at this time. The ball is firmly in his court, and I will leave it at that.

Quendi

talesin

Hi, Quendi.

I'm sorry you haven't heard back from "evan". It's something we all have to face at one time or another, and it hurts, no matter what kind of a 'good spin' we try to put on it.

Thinking of you, and sad at how you are feeling ..... ((((((QUENDI)))))))

tal

paulnotsaul

Quendi, I know you care about your friendship. Please, go to your friends house. Make him see your face. Let him here your voice. If he rejects you after that than I say you did all you could do. I lost a best friend because I refused to reach out face to face. My best friend died. You know how the ORG. is. Go and try to salvage your friendship. paulnotsaul

Trying to Salvage a Friendship

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