I could really use some advice :(

by FifthOfNovember 38 Replies latest social relationships

  • FifthOfNovember
    FifthOfNovember

    Okay, here's some background information.

    My girlfriend is in a program at a college about 30 minutes away. She can only come home on the weekends and I usually go over once a week to visit. There is a guy there that she hangs out with quite a bit, she's mentioned how he is really nice and funny. Sure, I was a little jealous at first but I didn't let her know that. But she was hanging around him so much that another person in the program thought something was going on between them. After that, I told her it bothered me a little that she was hanging out with him so much that somebody thinks that something is going on. She repeatedly told me that he is only a friend and nothing will happen.

    Now, this is where the problem really starts. The other day she told me that the guy she has been talking to told her he has feelings for her. When she was telling me this, she also said she developed a small crush on him but tried to make it seem like it's not a big deal. I got upset and we talked a little and eventually she asked this. "Would you be mad if we kissed?" I told her I would. Then she said that they didn't. But what's worrying me is, why would she ask that in the first place? I asked her a few times if they did and she said no. I plan on asking again because something doesn't feel right.

    Now, I am really worried because this fall I'll be going three hours away for college. She's only 30 minutes away and I feel like our relationship is falling apart. If our relationship even makes it through the summer, what the hell is going to happen in the fall?

    I just needed to tell someone this because there isn't really anyone I feel like telling this to in real life. Thanks.

  • breakfast of champions
    breakfast of champions

    ...time to move on....

  • ballistic
    ballistic

    Fifth - it's not a good situation, no man or woman EVER admits to having feelings for another unless it's pretty much it. I only wish I could be more positive. On a different note, you don't have doubts or worries in a truly successful relationship where love is beyond worry, fear, paranoia and other negative emotions like jealousy. Now is the time to try to think positively about yourself and remain confident.

  • talesin
    talesin

    "Would you be mad if we kissed?"

    Buh bye!

    That doesn't sound like a 'committed to the relationship' comment.

    Sorry to say that, Fifth, but why on earth would she consider kissing another man? For no good reason.

    tal

  • FifthOfNovember
    FifthOfNovember

    I'd just also like to say that so far we have had no other problems in our relationship. And today she sent me a message saying she hoped her honesty didn't ruin anything, and how terrified she is of losing me, and how much I mean to her.

  • ballistic
    ballistic

    Hi Fifth, someone saying these things would be confusing to me if she were older and experienced, but the fact you are college age (the pair of you I'm guessing) just leads me to think she doesn't know what she wants or is confused herself. It's still not good.

  • FifthOfNovember
    FifthOfNovember

    Talesin, I don't think she was implying that she considered it. I think what was meant was "Would you be even more mad if we had kissed?" That's assuming they didn't. And if they did I know it would definitely be over, because that would destroy all the trust needed to make a long distance relationship work.

    I'd just also like to say, she is a really sweet, honest person. She really is a great girl. But things can happen unfortunately.

  • talesin
    talesin

    I hear you Fifth, and I think Ballistic hit the nail on the head.

    And she's being honest, well then,,, she needs to learn that any guy that hangs around with a woman, being a 'friend',, is always hoping for more. Is she naive, or confused about her feelings? That would be my other question.

    t

  • FifthOfNovember
    FifthOfNovember

    I'm going to go with naive. I'm sure she thought of him as a friend for a while, she probably assumed that's how she would always feel. The other day she said that having a small crush on someone was normal, sure I'll agree with that. But being around that person all the time? Not so much.

  • nugget
    nugget

    This is a tough situation. I would ask her how she sees your relationship. Is this a boyfriend, girlfriend casual relationship or is she seeing this as long term something special. If she sees you as a couple then she shouldn't be hanging round with other guys. If you spend a lot of time in someones company then it is possible for feelings to develop.

    He shouldn't have declared his feelings if he knew she was in a relationship and she shouldn't lead him on if she is serious about you. As soon as she was aware of his feelings for her she should have stopped seeing him and made it clear she was committed to someone else, not speculated on whether it would be ok to kiss him. I would say that at present she isn't being kind to either of you, she needs to make a decision and stick with it. Either she has to let you find someone who loves you or she must stop giving this other guy false hope.

    This is not about jealousy it is about being a grown up. She likes having all this attention but relationships are based on trust and she is not behaving well. It may be she is immature and is worried about hurting people's feelings but then maybe you need to find someone who is better able to sort out their emotions and understands what it means to be a couple.

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