Why do exJW family members not reach out to other exJW family members?

by truthseeker 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  leavingwt

  So am I an oddball? First thing I did when leaving the Borg was reconnect with "worldly" family, including DFd, DAd, and never-dunked.

  I didn't realize the topic of this thread was a common phenomenon. Is it really?

  Mad Sweeney: I'm an APOSTATE. Everyone in the JW circuit knows this. As such, there are plenty of ex-JWs who wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. Why? Because there is a huge difference between being an Apostate and being DF'd. Many DF'd people are very sympathetic characters. However, there is ZERO sympathy for Apostates or anyone who is friendly/supportive of apostates.

  Example: A son or daughter disfellowshipped for fornication. Fornication, while considered a gross sin, is something that humans can understand, because most of us enjoy sex. However, turning your back on Jehovah -- Apostasy -- this is something that the cult mind cannot understand. No allowance is made for this pro-active opposition to God himself.

  So, if the disfellowshipped son or daughter still needs financial support from Daddy Elder, then he or she would be advised to steer clear of apostates and keep all future 'sin' secret. The parents will maintain the (perhaps false) hope that the child will return to Jehovah.

  Writing a DA letter is not an indication of someone being "weak". It gives the active members a legitimate reason to "hate" you.
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  sabastious

  I didn't realize the topic of this thread was a common phenomenon. Is it really?

  Well I can only speak for myself.

  I think the reason for me is that I never really know where someone stands even after hanging with them for a while (unless they are a flagrant apostate). There are like a gajillion different types of ex witnesses.

  There's the ones that don't want to ever talk about it again and get mad if you bring it up. There's the ones that don't want to stop talking about it ever. There are the ones that still believe in the Watchtower's God, but not the Watchtower. There's the ones that become staunch atheists and the ones that get into fluffy pagan stuff.

  You never know what you are going to find! This cult wacks people out too sometimes (RICK FEARON anybody?)

  -Sab
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  Wasanelder Once

  Believe it or not you had the "TRUTH" in common. Now you don't. Even if you didn't like each other as Witnesses you had to get along with them because, let's face it you were going to "live forever" together and had better learn to get along before hand. Remember that gem?
• 

  Scully

  Reconnecting can be pretty awkward. I reconnected with relatives who never became JWs after we left, and believe it or not, my first attempt at reconnecting was to send Christmas cards to all of them. We included a brief message that we were no longer practicing the JW faith, but could not completely cut ties with the religion in order to maintain the relationship with our JW relatives.

  We received a bunch of Christmas cards in return, all of them saying they were thrilled to have us back in their lives too, and that they understood the precarious situation with the JWs relatives.

  The ones I totally don't get are my raised-JW-but-never-dunked siblings. It's like pulling hens' teeth to maintain a relationship with them, and I'm at the point where I really don't care for being the one doing all the work.
• 

  truthseeker

  WasAnElder,

  Yeah, that's about the long and short of it, only the "truth" is what kep families united yet I saw preciousl little family unity growing up.

  Scully, as I recently found out, reconnecting can be awkward, especially after many years, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

  Ditto the following:

  The ones I totally don't get are my raised-JW-but-never-dunked siblings. It's like pulling hens' teeth to maintain a relationship with them, and I'm at the point where I really don't care for being the one doing all the work.

  I'm already at that point, they don't reach out to me and they don't try to make it work.
• 

  Coffee House Girl

  Connecting with other exJW's I knew personally fills me with anxiety because I do not know (as LeavingWT put into categories) if I'm going to talk to the exJW who is mentally out like me...or an apologist who still believes in the "truth" and will rat me out to get back into good graces with their JW family (elders on a committee to reinstate).

  I recently friended a exJW (DF'd for 10yrs or so) on facebook- she was from my old cong. but I thought it was okay since it looked like she "moved on" with her life-

  A few months later now she is sending me messages that she is going back for family & will quit going to meetings once she is reinstated (she said she doesn't believe in the "truth", but is trying to prove to parents that forgiveness in JWland comes from men and not God)....now I am ready to sh*t my pants because she knows details about me-

  I agree it is much easier to talk to exJW's that you have never met before & take it slowly on giving of personal information

  CHG
• 

  Thetis

  Agree with all that has been said. I have an ex brother-in-law that I would love to contact. However, his brother is an elder and this makes me anxious. Will he mention how I feel and how will this impact on my own family? So sad that we are still affected by them......even if it doesn't work out, at least it would be wonderful to have that choice of finding out....
• 

  leavingwt

  Yes, I forgot to mention "status".

  Many ex-JWs are not DF'd or DA'd. If they CARE about their specific status, then they must adjust their actions accordingly. This can include avoiding apostates or other ones that the local elders consider to be undesirable.

  I get the impression that many elders are content with ignoring fading ones, if those people disappear and have no contact with JWs.
• 

  cult classic

  I have a handful of family members who have never been baptized, are disfellowshipped or inactive. Everyone is treated the same. My family (on both sides) pretty much maintains the position that nothing comes before family. Yes, they would like everyone to do what they are supposed to do, but they are pretty loyal family members. My family is just as afraid of being on the outs with the family as a group as they are of losing Jehovah's favor.

  As far as I know, I'm the only one who's ever been called an apostate.

  But guess what? It doesn't matter because they still love me. That's why I get so mad at myself for staying in so long. I was always so afraid to defy my family and the religion. But once I walked away, there was no monster waiting to get me.

  It's crazy.

  edited: So, I guess my point is that in my family, all the exJW's get along just as well with each other as if they were still in.