One step closer to freedom!

by OneDayillBeFree 22 Replies latest jw experiences

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  OneDayillBeFree

  Hello everyone,

  It has been some time since my last post on here and its been hard for me to post much since I'm still in and my fellow dubbies are always poking there heads in my business trying to find something wrong to get me into trouble, but I do enjoy lurking on here from time to time... And I do plan to post here much more in the near future!

  Actually, being on this site and reading all of your threads (mostly on my phone) has become my favourite thing to do at meetings and on field service and pretty much anything WTBTS related!

  You all have been such a great help and comfort to me when I feel down, seriously even the trolls that come around here every now and then leave me with a sense of tranquility, for it reminds me of how I used to be just like them at one point, it gets me all "happified" to know that I have now awakened and see the "truth" about the truth and feel quite at peace with myself at times.

  As some of you that have read my first post may know... I've been working on a really, really long fade, and so far its been going steady to say the least. I am currently trying to prepare myself for the next step, which would be to step down from being a regular pioneer. But first, I must endure one last thing before marking that off the list for good, and that is going to Pioneer school.

  Shortly after attending the school, I will quit being a RP for good. I can't say exactly when the time will be but trust me, you'll be the first to know! (I would say "soon" or "just around the corner" but that word and phrase mean nothing to me anymore).

  The Piosneer school starts in just a couple weeks, and from what I hear, its going to be hell... Especially for those that no longer believe any of the things from the religion... which in this case would be me.

  Would any of you like to share your memories of Poineer school? How was it? Did you like it? Was there class on the weekends too? Were any of you mentally out while you attended? If so, how did you manage?

  Also any advice to better help my fade would be most greatly appreciated... All I want in the end is to be truly free. I've never really experienced the feeling, although it has come around and teased me a couple of times.

  My dream is to one day wake up in the morning and breath the air of freedom, freedom from this cancer I currently live in. And walk out the door with a smile on my face and feel the wind pass me bye and whisper gently in my ear that everything's going to be okay as I place my first step out into the world and never ever look back.

  OneDayillBeFree
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  cantleave

  Ha Ha love - it go to the pioneer school and then quit!!

  Don't forget to scan the book and post it on-line.
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  sizemik

  Hi again OneDayillBeFree . . .

  It's been almost 20 years since I attended Pioneer School . . . and I was uber-dub at the time of course. I remember from that perspective it was actually quite enjoyable.

  However, for someone who is mentally out I feel it will be exactly the opposite. I recall that the sessions were quite intense at times . . . and a fair degree of group intimacy developed after the first couple of days . . . a kind of "group-think" thing with everyone similarly enthused. Not much room to stay in the background.

  Stepping down from pioneering will definitely kick-start your fade. While not obvious . . . all those that felt a tinge of jealousy at the status you enjoy as an RP will soon turn to a subtle smugness with some. You will be seen as having "diminished value"

  All the best with it all . . . nice to see you back.
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  Nobleheart

  I haven't had the chance to read your first post so Welcome to this forum!

  About Pioneer school...I attended it last year actually. Unlike you, I was totally mentally in at the time so I thought it to be such a privilege to receive this special encouragement and instruction that few others would have to chance to enjoy. Overall, I did like it except that I was trying my best to prepare for any question in the book, look up every single scripture (taken out of context) that I'd not get enough sleep and getting up early for the next morning session was really hard.

  If you care about appearances, just jot down one scripture for a few questions instead of going overboard. This way the friends won't look at the white pages. Not really cool to miss out on the fine spiritual banquet, right?

  You'll receive the schedule the first day (Monday). There are no classes on weekends, so it's a total of 10 days Mon-Fri between 9:00 am - 4:00 p.m, with a 1 hour lunch break 12:00-1:00.

  You have an excuse to miss the mid-week meeting, and even the Sunday one if you're so busy studying...

  During the 2 weeks, you'll get to go out in FS 3 times: once door to door, another time to follow up a RV you found from d2d (during the 1st week), and the third time to start a study (on the second week), I know...yeah right!.

  Something I remember finding out during my Pio. School was that the tetragrammaton didn't appear one single time in the original copies of the Greek Scriptures. When our instructor said that, I was totally shocked. Others seemed unphased by it though.

  Feel free to ask about it, the experience is still fresh in my mind. One suggestion for you is to ask questions, there are opportunities to do that at the end of each study but few take it. The instructors know pioneers wouldn't ask 'apostate questions' so they encourage you to pose questions about things.
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  jwfacts

  My pioneer school was one of the smallest ever, with only 8 people. Five of those went on to get disfellowshipped.

  I had a great time as I was in another city with my best mate. We would rush through the homework and then go out at night for some fun.
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  trailerfitter

  What is stopping you from just walking away from it all?
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  Quandry

  Hello one day.

  Looks like you are proceeding with your plan as outlined in your first post. Just keep thinking ahead...keep your eyes on the prize-ha!

  I hope you are still determined to get an education. Knowledge is freeing...and yes, power.

  Patience is called for. One day at a time.
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  Found Sheep

  pioneer school!!! 1993 for me. I enjoyed the experiance mainly cuz i was able to be away from home. I was shy and everyone thought I was a snob! oh well... our last talk that was personal to the group was a lashing to us about how we didn't appreciate God's gift to us? I guess the cool people were partying all two weeks... I wasn't invited!

  I still was a believer and soaked up all the "knowledge"...

  I laughted at thinking someone is reading this site at the KH or in FS!!!

  Welcome and best wishes

  FS
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  OnTheWayOut

  Pioneering was pretty much Jehovah's last stand for me. If God's blessings were upon the JW organization and He wanted to bless me, then surely He would bless my efforts to spread the word as a pioneer. I started out so busy doing what I thought I was supposed to do.

  I was already years into the JW's and nothing really surprised me. The pioneers were all about "getting time." They would meet early in the A.M. to do street work regardless of the results, call someone from the Kingdom Hall to "start your time" before walking out the door, do their errands while out in the recruiting work and simply leave a tract in the bank lobby or offer it to their dry-cleaner to keep your time going. I decided not to be like that. I didn't feel God's blessings at all.

  I had great conversations with people, but they simply became members of my "route." I won't dwell on all that time wasted. I will just end with saying that toward the end of my pioneer year, whenver absolutely nobody showed up at the Kingdom Hall to accompany me in "my ministry," I would go to the public library and do research from outside (not Apostate) sources on JW doctrines. I took no notes as I was paranoid about being "caught" but I remember trying to learn about chronology and abstaining from blood and what others had to say about the second coming. By the time I got to pioneer school, I was pretty sure I would not continue pioneering after the school. But the school was the last part of Jehovah's last stand. If the school could help me with "Jehovah's explanation" (WT's explanation) of the things I studied, maybe I would know better that I had allowed myself to be misled by worldly reasoning.

  Pioneer school was nothing about doctrine. It was really two things: (1) A call to arms and a pep rally to do all that you can do and (2) a focus on what WT considers balance- how to put "getting your time in" ahead of anything else. Pioneer time was more important than aiding a brother or sister in need, it was more important than making headway toward increasing your retirement funds or making your family more comfortable, it was more important than everything. If your "bible student" needed your help, that was okay because you would "count the time." Oh, it was disguised as "showing them what being in the truth really meant" but that was the clear message- get the time.

  We had mostly retired ladies and one retired man, but a few wives whose husbands busted their asses to allow the pioneering. We had one girl who had just graduated high school and she could barely read. My best example of her bad reading would be that she would be asked to read a very familiar scripture to any JW such as "This means everlasting life, their taking in knowledge of you...." Even that scripture, she would stop at "everlasting" and and start saying "even....every...elasting...uhm...." and then some kindly elderly sister would whisper "everlasting" and she would repeat that only to start stuttering on the word "their." I mention her specifically because the C.O.'s conducting asked each person what they gave up in order to pioneer. She said she gave up college and some kind of worldly career that would follow that. I mean, she was pushed through High School and she clearly wasn't going to pass a college entrance exam. Any college classes she might take would be the remedial classes that typically went to people who didn't finish high school. But show up and you won't "fail" pioneer school. What in the world would this girl be able to teach some "householder" ?

  Anyway, the whole school acts as if it teaches you to be more spiritual and Bible-minded. In reality, it teaches you to be a better Watchtower researcher and to always always always hang on every letter from WTS and every word in study articles and to answer all your questions using your WT CD-ROM. As an elder, I already knew how to do that. Most JW's who prepared for their own talks in the school knew how to do that. The school was like anything else- assemblies, C.O. visit, conventions: attendees said it was wonderful and most actually convinced themself that it was wonderful, but it was really just tiring.

  I quit pioneering immediately after the school, saying that I enjoyed the school but just was not able to keep doing it. Don't feel guilty about any pressure, stand firm on "I can't do it anymore." You can offer more explanation, but don't keep trying to justify and debate with any elders or family or friends. Just stop at that point. Many many members quit pioneering after the first year.
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  shechaiyah

  Wow. I thought the Covenant was about Sincerity and speaking from the heart.

  I simply don't know how one can put up such a charade, and feel at Truth in one's heart.

  Couple of things come up.

  1. Being out in the world is not freedom; it is slavery to the money-cycle.

  2. Cutting oneself off from one ideology that no longer fits may be a good thing;

  but what will replace your focus on being Other-Centered and not just ADOPT Self-Centered LIFE?

  Isn't that just jumping from the frying pan into the fire?

  3. Have you talked to your associates about how you feel? Or are you acting phony with everybody?

  I feel very sorry you, young woman. You don't appear to know your own mind very well yet.

  When I was in your situation (similar), I went ON RETREAT in silence, and just talked to God about it.

  Shechaiyah