Feel like I'm living a lie....

by mochamint22 22 Replies latest jw experiences

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  mochamint22

  Hi all,

  It's been a while since I've posted on the forum but Im needing to get how I'm feeling out of my head and out in the open. I don't know what's going on with me but sometimes I feel overwhelmingly sad and my eyes well up like I'm going to start crying. I'm not thinking about any one particular thing when this happens. I just think all of the pressure I'm under is just getting to be too much for me. It's hard because my husband treats me like I'm lazy and crazy because I tell him how I feel. I also have been lied to by him soooo much about who he is and I'm dealing with the reality of who he is and his lies and trying to do so with class and dignity and selflessness but I'm afraid I can't hold it in anymore. At the same time of these feelings of depression and lonliness, I also feel cut off from emotion if you can try to understand it because it's like i CANT cry either. I get to the point of crying but then the emotions go right back in and I don't let the tears fall.

  What I'm referring to when I say his lies, I mean that I just found out last Nov that he has three children that I had no knowledge of. And I've welcomed them and spent money on them and spent time with them but it never seems like its enough. He's always raising his voice to me saying that I don't like him talking to them and just this last friday I sent $50 over to his nephew as a late bday gift and when he saw that he yelled at mi saying "Dummy you wouldve done better sending money to the kids (his 3 sons) instead of sending a grown man $50" I had just finished sending them $100 minutes before he said that. But he only saw me wiring money to his nephew and went off.

  I sent them $200 to have a bday party and have gifts and my husband sent $130 because they said they needed more money to have everything for the party (I failed to mention that his sister who takes care of them lives in another country) Yesterday we connected on skype to see who the party went and they were so happy and excited thanking him for the party and I just felt useless and a little bad that he was acting like it was his idea and he sent over the bulk of the money. And he wanted me to pay him back half of the $130 he sent saying that because the party was my idea I should pay for it. But then I get a next to nothing thanks for it. Then one of his other sisters needed some money to buy som shoes for her kid and he sent her some money and I guess this morning she was talking to him on skype and told him to tell me thanks and god bless and he comes up to me and said " my sister said to tell you thanks and god bless. you didn't send her anything it was me but ok just relaying the msg"

  He's such a jerk. Calling me dumb and stupid and treats me badly. And he can't stand my his step daughter (my daughter) but has the audacity to be that way when he lied to me these 6 yrs we've been married about having three kids. And he expects me to just be ok with it and take it with open arms and I have. but i need for him to acknowlege that he lied to me and that he needs to earn my trust back but nothing. I get an emotional slap in the face and am told to deal with it. I've tried to tell him about my feelings of depression and he thinks its a joke. I've been in therapy for almost a year now with no results. I'm just seeing and psychologist so no meds are being prescribed. Also he knows that since I have cut my mother out of my life because shes hardcore JW and I've left the "truth" and don't want her in my life anymore because shes toxic, I've been really needing to have his emotional support and I don't have it. everytime he sees me on this website he calls me rediculous. Also sometimes when I talk to him he just ignores me. He hears me but he doesnt even look at me he just ignores me. Or I'll start talking to him and he fake yawns and says "how boring" and starts whistling to shut me up.

  He wants all access to my information, bank account, email and facebook passwords and yet I have no access to his information. And I just feel like he's a liar and I can't handle his emotional abuse anymore. I feel like I keep giving and giving and getting nothing in return. I'm not a selfish person but I feel like i deserve respect and that I'm a good wife and mother and deserve to be treated as such.
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  zoiks

  Mochamint22, your husband is an asshole and needs a good beatdown for treating you this way. Sorry for the language but this really gets me upset.

  In the meantime, please contact a help line in your area, if possible. You are being abused and need someone to help you to sort through your options. You need to be prepared to leave as soon as possible.

  I am sure that someone on this forum with more experience and qualifications will be able to give you better and more specific advice. Please know that what you are experiencing is not ok - there is no excuse for him to act this way towards you.
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  cptkirk

  you have to get some kind of mediator into this situation. he cant be allowed to just push you around without consequence. nobody deserves to be under that kind of emotional torment indefinitely. (handling oppression from a boss is one thing, handling it from someone that swore to honor and protect you is another). you cant stay subjected to that indefinitely. you have to get some sort of mediator involved. he probably feels immune from consequence, with a mediator, there is someone now that he has to answer to. which will either fix the situation, or make it worse....but what else can you do?
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  mochamint22

  yes and i've called a help line before and it's nice to have someone to talk to but you know they aren't living it everyday. also, I've asked him to come with me to marriage counseling and he shuts down and says i'm rediculous with the whole "counseling thing" and says never to ask him that again. His own family didn't know that I didn't know about the kids until a yr ago. So he's been lying to them too. but i'm just under all this pressure to be what he wants every minute of the day and to be all smiles whenever the kids are on skype plus i'm under a lot of stress from work, which is another thing he yells at me about and says i bitch all the time and should be happy i sit on my ass all day type of job (his exact words) and think i'm ridiculous. plus the responsibility of taking care of our 2 kids here. my daughter, the one he doesnt like doesnt like him either and has bad personality traits and it's partly him but also from being around my mother and her toxicity as well. my husband expects us to move to his country in about a year to live there for a little while so he can be near his kids and i've gone along with it but i seriously have doubts. i actually filed for divorce 4 mos ago but never sent in the final paperwork because i want to work it out but i really dont know if this is fixable. but if i were to have him leave and complete the divorce, i feel like i'd be letting down everyone that expects this to work, his family, his three kids which have grown very attached to me and myself too. i dont know what to do. i'm soo depressed.
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  rebel8

  He wants your passwords? That is so over the top.
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  mrsjones5

  Sounds like you're done to me. I mean really you just found out he had three kids and on top of all the lies he treats you like dirt. You can't change him. You have to decide to do better, to move on to better. It easy for me to say but I don't see this getting any better cuz your husband sounds like an abusing jerk and it's only a matter of time before the hitting begins. Get out girl friend...Now!!
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  mochamint22

  the physical abuse has already happened before. right as i was filing for divorce and asked for him to sign the papers he hit me accross the head and gave me a mild concussion. but i decided not to send in the paperwork so we could try to work it out because I suppose I provoked him to hit me since he was saying he wouldnt sign the papers and I hit him on the arm because he made me angry. It was my own fault on that one.

  but yes i feel like i cant trust him and its just not good. also whenever he walks up to me he cant ever just hug me, no he has to grab my chest or my private section. ive already told him that i want him to show other forms of affection besides grabbing up on my privates and he doesnt get it. he's pissed right now because i've been on my period for like over a week. but its because i have PCOS due to stress that my hormones are all off and he just doesnt get it. he's made at ME bc my period is still on and he cant get any. he says "fine, its not my fault then if i get outside what i'm not getting at home."
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  Gayle

  oh mochamint,,I got depressed just reading this,,there is so many "red alerts" going on here. That he didn't tell you about his 3 kids initially puts him in a "#10" level liar. Major. Then, he turns around and disrespects you after you have accepted all that. He wants your banking info but doesn't give you his,,no, no, no. He wants you to go to a foreign country with him when things are just not open, honest and secure there, no,no,no.

  You've gotten yourself beaten down tremendously, emotionally. Maybe it goes back to your critical mom, that you are taking additionally so much negativity from your husband. You need to go to someone, a therapist, to help you sort out all this. Don't wait for him to be willing to go to a therapist.

  You will have to answer to your children some day on how you handle things. Would you want your daughter going through this? What would you tell her out of love? You must love yourself too. The WTS would never allow us to think that way but you must.
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  mrsjones5

  No no no, it was not your fault that he got upset and hit you. There is no way that was even right. I had begun to think I was wrong in my last post that you should get out, now I think you should have been gone. Get out honey. Call a women's shelter and get the hell out!
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  mochamint22

  i know guys, i know. and i always come back to this point feeling that i need to get out. to get relief. and i actually have had him move out a couple times but i always let him come back home. he basically gets me to go out to dinner or something with him and then he pressures me to let him come back. i wouldnt need to go to a shelter, he would leave if i asked him. in fact he tries to scare me by saying to get the divorce paperwork together whenever i don't want to do something he likes. or whenever i stand up for myself and tell him i dont like how he treats me. he says that i don't see how i behave and that i bitch about everything and that i think i'm better than him, blah blah. its all crap.

  this may seem like a small thing but i want to tell you guys what got me started feeling like this all over again this morning. i was IMg his niece and she told me that she just turned 31 last saturday. over comes my husband and starts reading my conversation with her and typing like he's me and he sees that i was typing to her how crazy it is that him, her uncle is younger than her. and she responded saying no he's not, he already turned 32 last year. well as far as i know my husband is 30. when he saw me telling her that i know he's 30 he moved my hand away from my laptop to delete me typing that he's 30. I don't know if that's because he's lying to me and he is older or if he was just not liking that i was talking about him. it was a totally casual conversation nothing was going on at all but he just got all bent outta shape seeing me tell her that he's 30. I'm like whats all that about??