I have been separated from the JWs now for 4 years. The first year, I went into a deep and severe clinical depression. I think that's what happens when you are 3rd generation JW, born and raised. When it's all you know, everyone you know...and then it's gone. I took Prozac and then Prozac and Wellbutrin to numb me enough to survive. Then I found a chat room on AOL. I've spent the last 4 years there. (I'm sure that sounds like I still need serious help) But, it served a purpose. There were many people along the way who were more than willing to listen to my story and for that I'm grateful. Although, it was a story I never really liked to talk about. During my years in that chat room, there were lots of people who came and went. Some had agendas...some wanted comfort...some just needed a friend. I matured from the needy newly inactive JW to a full-fledged EXJW who could offer that comfort and friendship to others. But, one thing that separated me from most EXJWs who would visit there...was I didn't like discussing anything biblical. Sure, there was an occasional debate on the Trinity...I was all too happy to throw my two cents in. It was the serious anti-JW biblical discussion I secretly cringed at. So, I spent the time...making silly remarks, sexual innuendoes and suggestive comments. It was a diversion from reality.
As the grand daughter of one of the anointed...the sister of a few elders...the wife of a ministerial servant and a regular pioneer (titles I wore with pride) I could never say out loud what I was thinking. I was generally quiet by nature (only because I didn't want to offend) except when it came to JW doctrine. I was the one with the Watchtower completely covered with notes on Sunday (you should see my pioneer book) I printed out ALL the scriptures for the book study from the WT CD. I made sure I commented at least 4 times every meeting, and that they were insightful comments, researched. I was used for impromptu talks...because I had the gift of public speaking (enrolled in the TMS since the age of 6) I was always ready and willing to volunteer for assembly parts or work.
Sorry....for the tangent...back to my chat room diversion. I tried for several months to immerse myself into the Trinity Doctrine, Immortality of the Soul, Hellfire, Heaven....only to realize that I could not make myself believe it. So, back to the jokes and sex talk I went. It was fun. I talked to anyone. JWs, Inactive JWs, DA'd, DF'd...people are just people to me. I even enjoyed talking with atheists, agnostics, wiccans, pagans. (They have the best sense of humor by far) I found myself cringing when anyone would try to preach to me...I couldn't stand listening to Born Again Christians or Devout JWs online...they made my skin crawl!
In real life...I enjoyed an occasional Birthday or Christmas Party at work...but, it didn't infiltrate my home life. I maintained contact with my JW family. When I visited them, they would hug me and talk freely about what's going on at the hall. But, they steered clear of the subject of me being inactive. I really felt like I was still a JW...I just didn't attend the meetings. If I would see brothers at the mall or grocery shopping...it was always a friendly and loving meeting. As long as no one brought the subject up, things were fine.
Fine... until two weeks ago. My older JW sister...who's only had limited contact with me for many years decides to talk to me online. The first 20 minutes were catching up with our lives...talking about our aged parents etc. then the witnessing starts. I tried to dance around the issues and stay completely neutral on every subject. But, she kept coming at me. Asking me the same questions over and over that I was giving vague answers to. Until finally she broke me down...upset, I admitted I no longer thought the same way I used to. I even questioned the validity of the Bible and religion. Needless to say, the three hour conversation was highly charged.
A week later, I find out that my sister and her daughter are planning a visit. They live in another state...and we hadn't seen each other in eight years. The visit was miserable. During the course of the visit she told me she didn't like me, she thought I was doomed for destruction, influenced by Satan. She said she would like to be able to pray for me, but...she knew she couldn't. It wasn't right.
I found in myself a new strength that I didn't know I had...and I didn't give into her emotionally. At one point...while I was remaining calm during her attack on me...she had an anxiety attack and what appeared to be an emotional breakdown. My sister, who I looked up to all my life. Who as a regular pioneer herself was my example. Who studied with me even before I could read was now in front of me...showing her venerability. My unemotional glances and occasional smiles at her "Armageddon & Destruction" sermons were very unsettling to her. We departed...more distant than ever.
During this same time, I learned (from a reliable source) that my oldest brother...who had been a JW for over 50 years...most of those years spent as an elder (from age 18) and congregation servant...was on this discussion board. I know I've been inactive for 4 years now...and I've heard every argument there is to hear against JWs...but, this was faith wrenching. As I began to read my brother's posts although they were not completely inflammatory against the JWs....the little faith I still had left in the JWs began to die. I did not sleep well the first week. None of my family know about my brother. They still hold him very high in a JW spiritual sense. Not long ago, this same JW sister who tore me to shreds...visited him and asked for spiritual advice on a personal matter. Little did she know of his real feelings toward the JWs. She still thinks of him second only to Christ himself.
I am sinking back into depression. I was happy for a while when I thought I could have both the "world" and my JW friends and family. But, two weeks ago...after talking online with my sister...I quit my job. I have lost interest in things that used to be fun for me. I am feeling very alone. (for a while....I thought maybe I could start going to Sunday meetings after a few years) I know now that I will never be part of the JWs again. The friends I made on AOL...have all since gone on with their lives...healing and living again.
Now, here I am...on JWD. I have allowed myself to read more anti-JW stuff in the past week than I have in four years. I tried to remain humorous...an occasional sex post for reassurance. But, this feels very lonely. On AOL I was very open with who I was...freely gave out my name, location and picture to whoever asked. I've met one (smurfy) friend who's made me laugh several times in chat here...thank you. ;) I guess, I haven't come out to you all...with who I am, because I am afraid of disappointing my brother with my posts. Kinda going back to my JW days of being quiet...and not letting anyone know what I'm really thinking for fear of offending someone. So, here we post...two anonymous people who grew up in the same life who are of the same blood...who separately arrived at the same place ... it's just we haven't met yet.
I'm sorry this is so long...as I've said before I don't even read long posts. So, if you're here...and you followed me through all this teary incoherent dribble...thanks. It means a lot. This has been very painful.
I've cried for days.