I've Cried for Days

by Smoldering Wick 33 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  ring

  (((((smoldering wick)))))
  I dont think anyone has ever writen
  anything here that I personally
  could relate to as well as this thread.
  Thankyou for sharing your story.
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  jesussaves

  I'm new here. I went through the same thing. I wanted to keep on living my double life and be able to speak to my old friends when I saw them and not have my family shun me. It took me a long time to believe any doctrine that didn't coincide with JW teachings. Years, actually. My grandmother was the only one bold enough to come out and ask me if I had joined a church. I would always be very evasive. I would sometimes act like I didn't hear her and continue the conversation. The more active I became in the church, the more difficult it became for me to avoid my grandmother's eagle eye. My family is quite ridiculous, they even interrogate my toddlers when they get the chance. Well, just today, I finally came out to them. It didn't feel as liberating as I thought it would, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be either. I'm going to post my whole story in the Personal expereriences thread. Wick, if you still believe that the bible is the word of God, then read it. Every time I open my bible, a verse jumps out at me that disproves something I grew up believing. It helps to cure your mind of the 'what if they're right' syndrome. Keep your head up.
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  Perry

  Now, here I am...on JWD. I have allowed myself to read more anti-JW stuff in the past week than I have in four years. I tried to remain humorous...an occasional sex post for reassurance.

  Smoldering Wick,

  You say you "allowed yourself" to read anti-JW stuff as if it was a weakness. That tells me you are still in the grips of the Tower.

  I certainly will not condemn you because I think that people whose families go back generations have very unique challenges in shedding the guilt because it is so intertwined with family folklore. I'm a 4th GenEx.

  I stayed chained for years after leaving, in part because of how my mother suffered at school during WW II, being spit on, called NAZI, being hailed to the Principals' office every morning to be kicked out and rejected infront of all her peers.

  I deeply love my mother, was proud of her stand, and didn't want to believe that it was for naught. Eventually I got around to studying about ascetisism and legalism. I realized my family liked to be victims so they could actually feel superior by means of the things they denied themselves and suffered. I had confused strength of charatcter with ascetism. They are very different. Simply reading the NT with a good study bible (one with lots of commentary) cleared it up for me.

  While my heart still goes out to that 9 yr. old little girl that rolled with the punches during war time hysteria, I myself was faced with a challenge and stand that I had to make. In some ways saying goodbye to generations of family on grounds of conscience is far more a test of character than anything my mother ever did.

  I encourage you to be content with where you are in your walk with God. I feel your pain and I know this is something that cannot be rushed. But know this, when you are ready, and you will know when you are, you will want to more from a victim to the victor of your own life, with or without your family. Then, you may very well find yourself seeking community based on your conscience and not on the tenets of family folklore and religious guilt.

  I just got back from a Men's Bible study tonight. Conraderie with over 40 men from different perspectives and walks of life is very encouaging to me. You don't have to be alone.

  Please feel free to e-mail me any time if you need an ear, or feel that our experiences have been similar in some way that might be helpful.

  Perry
• 

  cornish

  Lilacs
  Are you also luv2shari on Paltak.if so Hi,from Cornish Pride
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  WildHorses

  Yes cornish, the one and only LOL I guess I get around. LOL

  Lilacs

  I don't want someone in my life I can live with. I want someone in my life I can't live without.
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  Frenchy

  Dear Wick,
  As some have already commented to that effect, I’m sure by now you realize that others have been down the path that you are now just discovering. It was very un-loving of your sister to travel so far to come tell you that she doesn’t like you after she failed to ‘bring you back into the fold’. It’s not a unique situation, however. Many JW’s get very angry if you do not nod and grin and go along with what they say. When this happens out in field service they walk away very smug with the notion that this person will perish at Armageddon for having the bad manners not to agree with their every word. When it has to do with a witness, then they can always label that one an apostate and again revel in the joy that this person will meet his just reward at Armageddon. Perhaps there is a deep fear inside that they are not right and need that faith re-affirmed by those around them. Remember that it’s their conditioning.

  You said something else that really struck a chord with me: “During this same time, I learned (from a reliable source) that my oldest brother...was on this discussion board…this was faith wrenching.” Isn’t it strange that you would (finally) decide that this is not the truth and then almost panic when you realize that a family member is coming to the same conclusion? I experienced this same thing with my children. It took a long time for me to finally make the mental break and during that very precarious state in which I found myself, I saw my children begin to express doubts. It frightened me until I realized that it was the conditioning I had undergone that did that. Once the break is complete then you will see thing differently.

  E-mail me if you like.
• 

  patio34

  Dear Wick,

  I hope you feel better soon. I agree with what everyone else is saying. One thing i'd add. It seems you said something about da'g yourself (tho i can't find it now). The way i see it, that you definitely should not until a lot of time has passed (if ever! and you're able to think more objectively about what has happened. You have a lot of family 'in' and that will cause major problems.

  Maybe it's hard for you now, but i think things will definitely get better for you. You've been inactive for some time now, so you're used to that. After all, attitude is the critical factor. Some might say things are looking up for you once the shock of your sister's visit is over. You've found your brother is reaching many of the same conclusions and that could be a comfort to you once you assimilate it. As Frenchy said, once the WT hold on you breaks down, it won't look the same.

  But, i feel you need to take positive action! Start to educate yourself, if you haven't already. Ray Franz's books are excellent. And then just go to the library and read anything that catches your fancy. I get books on evolution and history. I'm reading such interesting books now by Gary Greenburg on the history of the Jews in Egypt (101 Myths of the Bible & the Bible Myth). The world is your oyster!

  All the Best!

  Pat

  
  "It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the world." (from "Stuart Saves His Family")
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  patio34

  Here's a post from Target that i found very empowering:

  Sometimes our recovery depends a lot on how we percieve the events that took place. Over the years i felt like the victim so many times and until I couldn't take it anymore and I "left".
  I suddenly realized that I didn't go anywhere. I am still here. My life is still here. It is the Borg that is gone from my life because I KICKED IT OUT! I am the one with the power, not them. I had this whole mental fantasy where I told the elders they are all a bunch of bastards and they can get the hell out of my life. I AM KICKING THEM OUT! I wish I had thought about the whole thing this way before. It makes me feel really great.
  Target
  PS. In a fantasy you can slap them upside the head.

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/forum/thread.asp?id=20795&site=3#258952

  
  "It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the world." (from "Stuart Saves His Family")
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  Lari

  Smoldering Wick,
  My heart aches for you. I know how very difficult the process of leaving the Org is. I also know what it's like to take the job on while suffering from depression. When I weigh they pain I felt at leaving the Org, which compared to the experiences of others was a smooth process, to what you must feel. Well, I admire you tremendously.

  I quit going to meetings in about December 2000. I turned myself into the elders (to save my sister the heartache of having to do it) and was disfellowshipped in May 2001. My family is all very sad that I am DFed, but I still have contact with my parents and two sisters. My brother was never baptised and is atheist. But I lost all my extended family and the friends I had come to feel were like family.

  I too play it cool when speaking with JWs. Preferring to let them believe I was seduced by the world's charms rather than disgusted by the Society's deceit. Better to be fallen than apostate. But about a month ago, after being Un-Invited to stay with my sister because she "remembered" that I was DFed, I cracked too. Couldn't make myself be vague anymore. Things are still strained in that quarter.

  Please, Please, Please read the posts about making an exit plan and how to go about DAing yourself. Don't just let your emotions make decisions for you on this one.

  Please keep posting here and letting us get to know you. Email me anytime.

  Your friend in suffering and in Freedom.

  Lari
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  jschwehm

  Hi-

  If you need to talk...email me.

  Always remember that no matter what we are feeling at the moment God loves us all unconditionally.

  Jeff S.